Back in college, during late-night sessions in the computer lab (during my brief, misapplied stint as a computer science major), a friend of mine, Rich (who actually did finish the degree and go on to a career in the field) joked:

“the speed at which we process data is increasing so fast that by 2005, there’ll be huge industry to generate data to process”.

I laughed.

I laughed too soon.  He was right. Only the shortage isn’t “data”, per se, but “content” – the stuff people read. 

Case in point – this piece from Men’s Health about what guys’ celeb crushes say about them.

Throughout their lives, men have all kinds of crushes. When they’re growing up, they may have crushes on their teachers. When they’re all grown up, crushes can come in the form of co-workers, neighbors, coffee pourers, spinning instructors, you name it.

“Spinning instructors?”

I digress:

One kind of crush that sticks with a guy: the celebrity crush…Though the characters may change from time to time, guys often choose their celebrity crushes based on some deeper longing for what they want in women.

That’s profound.  Why, the next thing you know, they’ll be saying that’s why we choose girlfriends and spouses as well. 

And you know what that leads to.  Don’t you?

Either does the author:

Early on, the overriding factor may have been the prevalence of skin (Bo, Farrah, Pamela, and SI swimsuit models being excellent examples). But as men grow up, it’s more than just physical attraction to the kind of woman he features in his cerebral movie theater – it’s the total package that includes not only her looks, but what her looks, lifestyle, and personality may also represent.

 So in other words, they provide a idealized, fantasy-world version of their feminine ideal?

Hmmm. I’ll need to absorb this for a moment. 

If he fantasizes about…Angelina Jolie
It may mean… He’s attracted to a do-gooder woman who also isn’t afraid to show a bit of a wild streak. It’s the reason why Jolie tops so many men’s wish lists: They want the woman who is good, but not too good. And the woman who is sultry, but not too sultry.

If he fantasizes about…Jennifer Aniston
It may mean… Attracted to Aniston’s innocent persona, he likes the girl next door and yearns to be the household protector. Though traditional gender roles have certainly changed and evolved over the last several decades, many men still enjoy playing the role of the prince who rescues the damsel in distress.
 
If he fantasizes about…The young, troubled beauties (Paris, Lindsay, Britney)
It may mean… He’s attracted to risk-takers-and women who don’t care what other women may think about them. That, and perhaps the boy has got more loose screws than a hardware store.  

If he fantasizes about…Halle Berry, Scarlett Johansson
It may mean… That he has darn good taste. Physically, they represent classic feminine beauty-their curves, their skin, their heart-stopping faces. That may mean he has very high standards-and seeks relationship perfection.

If he fantasizes about…Julianne Moore, Michelle Pfeiffer
It may mean…He appreciates that experience, knowledge, and just the right amount of sass and humor goes a long way to making for strong relationships. Mrs. Robinson jokes aside, he appreciates maturity-and all the good things that come with it.
 
If he fantasizes about…Pam Anderson
It may mean… Do I really have to say it?
 
If he fantasizes about…Beyonce, J. Lo, Fergie, Janet
It may mean… That he’s not only into curves and lovely lady humps, but that he’s also into women who have some relationship rhythm. He wants a woman who’s able to let loose, show her moves, and someone who’s confident being on center stage-sexually and socially.

If he fantasizes about…Any character from Grey’s Anatomy
It may mean… That he’s a sensitive dude. Not because he’s got a thing for Meredith, Izzie, or the rest of the crew, but because-instead of being at a bar or a ball game-he’s obviously sitting next to you on Thursday nights.

Bottom line on all this: Fantasy crushes are kind of like practice for the big game, allowing someone to keep one’s emotions and instincts in check while imagining the big event with a partner.

Never mind.  It’s too shallow to absorb. 

OK.  So it’s just a toss-off intro by a toss-off writer.  Let’s get down to brass tacks.  What would a series of celebrity crushes including, say, purely hypothetically, Ingrid Bergman, Teresa Wright, Audrey Tatou, Audrey Hepburn, Lauren Bacall, Ally Sheedy, Marisa Tomei, Rosie Perez, Gina Gershon, Mikki Steele, Chrissie Hynde, Madeline Stowe, Sara Silverman, Sonia Braga, Selma Hayak, Mariska Hargitay, Diane Neal, Dana Delaney, Reese Witherspoon, Neve Campbell, Silvia Bernier, Julia Ormond, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Nancy Travis, Annabella Sciorra, Ida Lupino and Angie Harmon – just to pick a few names more or less at random – mean?

Hypothetically, of course.

This entry was posted by by Mitch Berg on Thursday, July 12th, 2007 at 5:02 am and is filed under A 'n E, Men and Women. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.