This is, as Barack Obama might have called it, a “composite conversation”. It happened – in bits and pieces, with different people. 

No Kings Protester (“NKP”): No kings!

Me: Couldn’t agree more. And what luck – we don’t have one!

NKP: You know what we mean. Donald Trump is acting like a King!

Me: I mean, if you disagreed with ICE’s tactics, I might agree – but that doesn’t make Trump a king any more than it made Bill Clinton one when the FBI killed Randy Weaver’s family or killed almost 100 people, disproportionally children, in Waco…

NKP: I don’t know anything about that, and I don’t care. 

Me: OK ,that’s fine. But you DO know that the “No Kings” organization demonstrated against the removal of Victor Maduro, who has murdered tens of thousands of people…

NKP: I don’t know anything about that. 

Me: And in favor of the dictators of Cuba, who’ve murdered tens of thousands of Cubans and many more around the world. 

NKP: Don’t know, don’t care. 

Me: Huh. And today the organization is supporting keeping the Mullahs in power – and they may have murdered more of their own people in a single day than the Nazis ever managed. 

NKP: Not sure how that’s relevant. 

Me: Well, “No Kings” keeps supporting actual dictators. 

NKP: I don’t know about any of them. 

Me: And billionaries, too?

NKP: Yep!

Me: So you’re aware that “No Kings” is funded by a network of plutocrats, including not only the usual Soros family trash, but Neville Singham, the billionaire who moved to Shanhai and is dedicated to spreading Communism – which has murdered as many as 100 million people?

NKP: So you say. I can’t confirm any of that. 

Me: You certainly COULD if you wanted…

NKP: I oppose kings in the US. That’s ALL I care about. 

Me: Huh. Like when Trump created a snitch line, an Orwellian thoughtcrime database, fired people who stood up for their medical autonomy, and pushed censorship of dissent and drove legislation to gut the Fourth Amendment for law-abiding citizens…

NKP: Yeah! That’s some real fascist snizzle, there. 

Me: Every last one of those was either Tim Walz or Joe Biden. 

NKP: <blinks>

Me: So it appears to me, a mere casual observer, that while you may oppose kings, you seems to be fine with dictators. 

NKP: JANUARY 6! 

Me: How so?

NKP: FASCIST! FASCIST!

Me: Wait’ll next week when we talk about the leftist and socialist roots of “fascism”

(But NKP has left the conversation).

Al

SCENE:  Mitch BERG is talking with Bill GUNKEL, former Republican who is now chairmain of the Inver Grove Heights chapter of “Former Republicans for Ron Paul…er, Dennis Massie”.  

GUNKEL:   Illegal immigrant voting is impossible.   

BERG:  Of course it is.  

GUNKEL: Glad we agree!

BERG:  Of course.   When the DFL jammed down automatic vote registration on issuing drivers licenses, and then passed drivers licenses for illegal aliens. and pointedly shot down GOP attempts to have those IDs labeled “Not to be used for voting”, in a system that allows any voter to “vouch” up to eight other voters in with a – wait for it – drivers license, that was all just to spike the rhetorical ball in the end zone during the “trifecta”.  

GUNKEL:  There’ve only been five examples of illegal voting found in the past 400 years…

BERG:   Er…OK, so let’s say some illegal does vote in Minnesota.  We can’t identify illegals at the polls, and we don’t have provisional ballots, so once a ballot is cast, there’s nothing we can do about it in the unlikely event we do catch them.  Which, if you assume the oh-so-extreme hypothetical that Secretary of State Simon and Attorney General Ellison are in on the fraud, there’s absolutely no impetus for them to do.   Aren’t these “small numbers” small numbers because the system is designed not to catch illegal immigrants voting?

GUNKEL: (pregnant pause)

BERG:   Not to mention the thousands of cases of fraudulent registrations found in 2012, which I’m sure were there just for the fun it. 

GUNKEL:   Illegal immigrant voting is impossible.   

BERG:  Of course it is.  

SCENE:   Velma pulls an “Elliot Ness” mask off of the crook, revealing Governor Tim Walz.  

DAPHNE AND SHAGGY:  “It’s Minnesota Governor Tim Walz”

WALZ:  “And let me tell you, I’d have gotten those fraudsters if its weren’t for…”

SCOOBY: “Rose Doggone Resky Kids?”

WALZ:  “No, knucklehead, those ICE agents.  I was just about there!”

He was —>this close<—-. 

SCENE:  The headquarters of the Democrat Farmer Labor Party, in Saint Paul. Chair Richard CARLBON is convening a meeting of key Democrat activists, including Tim WALZ, Keith ELLISON, Moonbeam BIRKENSTOCK, Avery LIBRELLE, Inge “Lucky” CARROLL, And Evan Micah BRYAN.  

WALZ:  Damn.  This damn fraud damn scandal is damn causing a damn lot of damn trouble. 

CARLBOM:  We’re not on camera, Tim. 

WALZ:  Doh.  I’m a knucklehead.  This fraud scandal is causing a lot of trouble.  

BIRKENSTOCK:   So what do we do?

CARROLL:   Rebrand “finding fraud” as racist?

BRYAN:  We have been doing that.  It’s not working quite like it used to.  

ELLISON:  We can tell the media who’s boss. 

CARROLL:   On it.  

CARLBOM:  No bad ideas, folks.  But I think I’ve got it.  

(The room hushes)

CARLBOM:  We run as the anti-fraud party!

WALZ:  Damn yeah damn we damn tell people damn damn damn damn

(BIRKENSTOCK rises, takes Walz’s hand, leads him from the room)

BRYAN:  You mean, go at all these allegations of seven years of fraud while we controlled the executive branch and most of the Legislature by saying we were always the party that fought fraud. 

CARLBOM:  Yep. 

ELLISON:  But what about the Somalis?

CARLBOM:  Pfffft.   We throw them under the bus.  

LIBRELLE:  Isn’t that a little bit cynical?

CARLBOM:  It’s a lot cynical.  That’s what I do.   We burn one group of immigrants, we bring in another group of migrants.   Palestinians are hot right now.  

(Nods and murmurs of assent around the room)

CARROLL:  Hm.   Kind of Orwellian.   

CARLBOM:  Of course it is.  And it works.  It’s always worked before.  Minnesotans just aren’t that smart.  

(Muted assent around the table)

BRYAN:  People are pretty stupid.  

CARLBOM:  That’s our unofficial motto.  OK.  Make it happen!

and SCENE

SCENE:  Cat SCAT is out patrolling for Republican lawn signs to rip down when he sees Mitch BERG weed-whacking his row of barberry bushes.  It’s too late for BERG to evade. 

SCAT:  Hey, Nazi. 

BERG:  Oh, great…

SCAT:  Shut up.  We’re flying flags at half staff nationwide for the Nazi Charlie Kirk, but we didn’t for Melissa and Mark Norton. 

BERG:  Hortmann. 

SCAT:  I fact check you.  Norton.  

BERG:  OK.   So as with so much of what’s wrong in Minnesota, it’s Governor Walz’s fault.  

SCAT: I fact-check you and prove you false. 

BERG:  Because…

SCAT:  I’m a fact-checker.  

BERG: OK, so how about this:

During the afternoon news conference, Trump said Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz never asked him to have flags at the nation’s capitol be placed at half-staff after Melissa and Mark Hortman were fatally shot. 

That same morning, Minnesota lawmaker John Hoffman and his wife, Yvette, were shot several times at their Champlin home in a politically-motivated attack.

What Trump said:

“Well if the Governor had asked me to do that, I would’ve done that. But the Governor of Minnesota didn’t ask me. I wouldn’t have thought of that, but I would’ve if somebody had asked me. People make requests for the lowering of the flag. Often times you have to say no because it would be a lot of lowering, the flag would never be up. Had the Governor of Minnesota asked me to do that, I would’ve done that gladly.”

The flags at the Minnesota State Capitol were placed at half-staff after the shootings.

BERG:  Which fits with Walz’s pattern of not really paying attention to the administrivia of running a state – like sending in the National Guard during riots, or paying attention to the tsunami of corruption on his executive branch’s watch, or , well, this. 

SCAT:  LIke I always said, Walz forgot and Trump didn’t do it for him because he’s a Nazi.  

BERG:  Huh.  So what you said earlier…

SCAT:  I never said anything earlier. 

BERG:  Ah.  Gotcha. 

And SCENE. 

SCENE:  The basement studio of AM1280 The Patriot.  Mitch BERG is hosting his weekend talk show.    Unbelievably, across the table is Richard CARLBOM, chair of the MInnesota DFL party.  Why did he agree to an interview?  Search me. G-MONEY, the producer, is through the glass window in the control room, adjusting levels.

BERG:  So Mr. Carlbom – you’re advocating a “special session on guns”.  Since the House is tied and at least some outstate DFLs are going to be very uncomfortable trying to jam down gun bans, this would seem to be more of a DFL fundraiser than a special session.  Your thoughts?

CARLBOM:  F)ck that cynical sh1t…

(G-MONEY, the producer, frantically hits the dump button).  

BERG:  Er, you can’t talk like that on the radio.k 

CARLBOM:  Talk like what?

BERG:  You can’s swear on the radio. 

CARLBOM:  I didn’t.   I’m just talking like all the real Democratic men. 

BERG: OK.  So – special session or fundraiser?

CARLBOM:  Well, one f)cking thing you conservative a$$h0l3s miss is…

(G-MONEY frantically smashes the dump button again)

BERG:  Y’see, you did it again?

CARLBOM:  Did what?

BERG:  Swore on the radio.  That’s a no-no. 

CARLBOM:  It’s just the f)cking way all of us m0th3rf__ing authentic big-d1ck Democrat p1ss working f3lch men Cl3v3l4nd St34m3r men are f3lch d1rty s4nch3z w4d (G-MONEY hammers the dump button; steam starts pouring from the delay box). 

BERG:  You’ve been a political flack your entire career.  (Looks up at the call board). We’ve got an anonymous caller on the line – Ken from DC, you’re live and on the air…

CALLER:  Mr. Carlbom, has anyone ever told you that you look like a slightly younger Herman Göring? 

CARLBOM:  Ken?  Ken Martin?  Is that you?  

(But the line has gone dead). 

And SCENE

SCENE:   Mitch BERG is having an Old Fashioned at a bar in northern Wisconsin.  Engrossed in a conversation with the waitress, he doesn’t notice Avery LIBRELLE has walked in, wearing a “MEAT IS MURDER” t-shirt.  

LIBRELLE:  Merg!

BERG:  Of, for…the second time this week, how ya doing…

LIBRELLE:  Shut up.   It’s the guns, stupid. 

BERG. So I’ve got a question for you, Avery.   Whenever a spree killer can be tied, however tenuously, to the right, the media and people like you get veeeery serious about dissecting connections to “extreme” ideology.  Like Vance Boelter…

LIBRELLE:  Extreme pro-life MAGAt!

BERG:  …but when it’s someone like the Covenant or Annunciation shooters, whose manifestos were like Gen-Z leftist movie screenplays, full of hate for Christians, Jews, conservatives, Trump…

LIBRELLE:  It’s the guns and only the guns!   And how dare you blame all transgender people!

BERG:  Where did I mention transgender people?

LIBRELLE:  You did. 

BERG: (Turns to stenographer sitting at next stool) Please read back the converstation starting with “shut up”:

COURT REPORTER:  OK.  Starting from where Mist…er, Mizz…er…(looks to BERG with look of inciipient panic)

BERG:  Don’t worry. Just read. 

COURT REPORTER:  OK.  

LIBRELLE:  Extreme pro-life MAGAt!

BERG:  …but when it’s someone like the Covenant or Annunciation shooters, whose manifestos were like Gen-Z leftist movie screenplays, full of hate for Christians, Jews, conservatives, Trump…

LIBRELLE:  I could have sworn I heard you call for the deaths of all transgender people.   

BERG:  You’re thinking of Mayor Frey…

LIBRELLE:  Shut up.  Why are you bringing a court reporter with you?

BERG:  Seems I need one lately. 

And SCENE.  

SCENE:  MItch BERG is ordering an omelette at a local diner.  Too late, he notices Avery LIBRELLE entering the building.  There is no graceful exit. 

LIBRELLE:  Merg!

BERG:  Er, hello, Av…

LIBRELLE:  Shut up.  The shooting in Minneapolis yesterday proved that “thoughts and prayers” aren’t enough.  They were literally praying…

BERG:  So it’s time to doooooooooooo something?

LIBRELLE:  Why the tone of mockery?  I’m serious.  It’s time to…well, it’s time for action!

BERG:  Any action?

LIBRELLE: Anything that works!

BERG:   Great.  So the state’s “red flag law” didn’t work, because for some reason nobody called the authorities about an apparently transgender person saying crazy things. 

LIBRELLE:  Heyyyyyy

BERG:  And to ban guns you’ll have to repeal the Second Amendment…

LIBRELLE:  Which we can dooooooo!

BERG:  You can’t.  You’ll need 2/3 of Congress – you might get 35%, once.  And if for sake of argument you do, then yo’ll need 38 states.  You might get 10, one time.   So that’s not happening.  

LIBRELLE:  OK, wise guy, what do you have?

BERG:  Something that been 100% effective so far in preventing school shootings. 

LIBRELLE:  Oooh,  Go for it. I’m all ears.  

BERG:  It’s a policy used in 1,000 school districts nationwide.  And in 25 years, there’ve been zero shootings at any of them, during school hours, on school property.  

LIBRELLE: Let me guess- religious and home schools?

BERG:  I said districts.  Public. schools.   

LIBRELLE:  OK. So far so good. . 

BERG:  Not a single child harmed.  That’s what we’re going for, right?

LIBRELLE:  Right.   Must be some really progressive policy!

BERG:  They’ve rejected the “gun free zone” label.   They allow staff to carry their own firearms.  Some of them require training, others don’t’, but the point is, anyone thinking about shooting up a school has to reckon with the fact that any teacher, any principal, any janitor, any lunch lady can end them.  

LIBRELLE:  That’s horrible!

BERG:  Why?

LIBRELLE:  More guns ocn’t fix the problem. 

BERG:  First – it’s not “more guns”.  It’s the possibility of any gun.  And if “no school shootings” is your goal, then that seems to have hit the spot, doesn’t it?

LIBRELLE:  That…just…

BERG:  VIolates your sense of moral aesthetics?   

But steam is coming out of Librelle’s ears.  

And Scene.  

SCENE. It’s December, 1944.   Bastogne, Belgium.  The men of the 101st Airborne Division are surrounded, defending the vital road junction, as seven German divisions close in. 

Men of Company F, 506th Parachute Infantry Regiment – just down the line from the famed “Easy Company”, not the same guys at all – are coming out of their foxholes after a German bombardment. 

PRIVATE JEB RANKIN (a farm boy from Alabama):  Hoooo-iiiie, that was something.  

TECH SERGEANT FOURTH CLASS ANDREW “ANDY” PILSNER (the platoon radioman):  I heard Lieutentant Ratchett in Third Platoon got blown up.  (The others shake their heads in that “glad it wasn’t me” manner). 

PRIVATE FIRST CLASS GUISEPPE “JOE” RANDAZZO (a former streetcar conductor from Southie in Boston):  Rattled my fillings.  

STAFF SERGEANT WILLIE BUXTON (a Montana rancher turned NCO, and the platoon sergeant):  Everyone OK? 

CORPORAL JAMES “JIMMY” STEVENS (a former rendering plant worker from Indiana):  Crissake.  Why do we do this.  

RANDAZZO (Sardonic):  To defend democracy.  

RANKIN (earnest):  To liberate Europe.  

SECOND LIEUTENANT LLOYD MOUNTEBANKE (A Yale Business School graduate who is the platoon leader):  That’s incorrect.  

RANDAZZO: Sir?

MOUNTEBANKE:  This is why we’re fighting:

RANKIN:  We’re sittin’ here thousands of miles from home, so…people can kill babies, sir?

RANDAZZO: Ma’Donn (crosses self). 

MOUNTEBANKE:  You heard the woman.   Carry on.  (Exits into the woods as suddenly as he appeared)

STEVENS: (Sotto Voce) That doesn’t seem right…

BUXTON:  OK, men, that’s enough jawing.   You heard the Lieutenant.  We’re fighting to kill babies. Now get some top cover on those foxholes.  

And SCENE

SCENE:  It’s a typical weekday at the MNDFL headquarters.  Richard CARLBOM, the chair, is meeting with activist Avery LIBRELLE and Moonbeam BIRKENSTOCK, party executive Inge “Lucky” CARROLL, as well as Betty Rae TORSTENGAARDSEN, from the (possibly fictional) progressive blog “MinnesotaLiberalAlliance.Blogspot.com“.  She was Lac Qui Parle County Dairy Princess in 1987, and voted “most likely to end up as a freelance political writer” by her sorority at U of M Morris in 1992.

LIBRELLE:  So polling is showing that Minnesotans are getting concerned about the amount of fraud in Minnesota government.  

CARROLL:   I say we do what we always do – bully voters into silence.  

BIRKENSTOCK:  It worked well during the Same Sex Marriage issue in 2012!

CARROLL: (Sotto voce) Brown noser…

CARLBOM: (Beamingˆ). Yeah, those were the days.  But I think we need something different.  The other side has given up the illusion that Minnesota is the same as the one Garrison Keillor talked about.  We need to step up the game. 

LIBRELLE:  How?

CARLBOM:  Hear me out.   We don’t just double down.  We dec-tuple down.  

CARROLL:  We make fraud…cool!

BIRKENSTOCK:  Sort of like “celebrate your abortion” for graft!

LIBRELLE:  How do we do that?

CARLBOM:   We run a campaign showing DFL pols, stakeholders, non-profiteers and the like, revelling in the wealth they’ve gained from…somewhere.  

BIRKENSTOCK:  Show Omar Fateh driving down the street in a Bentley!

CARROLL:  “Don’t you want to be like Omar?”

LIBRELLE:  So pitch defrauding the state as…

CARLBOM:  The ultimate social program.  

CARROLL:  I like it!

And SCENE

SCENE:  Mitch BERG is parking on the street to go to a private event.  He’s trying to wrangle with the stupid newfangle parking meter when Avery LIBRELLE rolls around the corner on a recumbent bike. 

LIBRELLE:  Merg!

BERG:  Uh…

LIBRELLE:  Shut up.   The “party of faith” is embracing blasphemy!

BERG:  I’m not actually Catholic, but I’m pretty sure you can’t commit “blasphemy” against a human, being that Christ was the only human who’s ever also been deific…

LIBRELLE:  Republicans clearly hate Christians!

BERG:  Right.  So do you remember this…:

(But LIBRELLE has already left)

And SCENE.

SCENE:  The Minnesota Supreme Court.  The court, various court staff, and the plaintiff and respondent attorneys, are arguing the merits of the election-related business in front of them. Also present are the GOP’s attorney Ryan WILSON, and the DFL’s counsel,LEAKY THE BEAGLE. 

CHIEF JUSTICE HUDSON:  OK, counsel for the defense.  Your statement. 

WILSON:   Our case is clear and consistent, your honors. The Minnesota State Constitution is clear that:

• Quorum is a majority of current members.   Given the overturning of the District 40B election, that means there were 133 members on January 14, the statutory date for convening the legislature.  That means a quorum is 67.
• Furthermore, your honors, as the Constitution clearly gives the Legislature the duty to run its own affairs, the attempts by Secretary Simon, Governor Walz and, for that matter, any hypothetical attempt by the Supreme Court would be a violation of the separation of powers prescribed in both the US and Minnesota constitutions.

We therefore request the court dismiss this frivolous and anti-democratic claim with prejudice.

Thank you.

HUDSON : Thank you, Mr. Wilson.  Now, Mr…Beagel?

LEAKY THE BEAGLE :  (Slowly, ostentatiously waddles to the lectern).  (Pauses).   (Starts speaking in an atrocious German accent). Ladies und Chentelmenn of ze Zupreme Court…

JUSTICE THIESSEN:  I’m sorry to interrupt – whats with the accent?

LEAKY THE BEAGLE:  Nobody rrrrillly knowsss.  May it pleece ze court…

(Slowly, with all pretentious dramatic intent, lays out seven photographs)

LEAKY THE BEAGLE:  Nice houses zat you have.   It’d be a schame if there were to get…(pauses for sininster effect)…mostly peacefully protested. 

(There is silence). 

HUDSON:   We’ll – uh – take it under advisement.

LEAKY THE BEAGLE:  Zat’s rrrrright.  You vill.

And SCENE

SCENE:   Former Governor Mark DAYTON’s house, on Lake Minnetonka [1].  

He’s sitting in his bathrobe and slippers by a roaring fire, reading the Strib. His wife , Ana ORKE-DAYTON, enters the room.

ORKE-DAYTON:  I’m taking a stack of credit cards and taking the Porsche to the Galleria.

DAYTON:   Mpfmbfh. 

ORKE-DAYTON leaves, as DAYTON’s eye alights on a news item:

U.S. Rep. Kay Granger, R-Fort Worth, has missed votes in Congress and has been “having some dementia issues late in the year,” her son told The Dallas Morning News. Granger, 81, last cast a vote on the morning of July 24…The congresswoman now resides in a Fort Worth senior living facility called Tradition Senior Living. There are two locations on the same property, but Brandon Granger confirmed it is not the memory care facility, as some media outlets have reported. Granger said his mother is staying in the independent living facility to be around other seniors.

DAYTON: (Thinking to self) Huh. I wonder what the statute of limitations is on pretending to be in office?

And SCENE

[1] I have no idea where he lives. It’s gotta be Minnetonka, right?

SCENE: The rotunda at the Minnesota State Capitol.   A press conference is underway.  Standing at the podium, in front of a “Satanic” display, are three members of the Twin Cities Church of Satan:

• Joshua Micah GUMPKE – a tall, morbidly obese 30-something man with thick, unkempt back hair,  and a black neckbeard.  His arms are covered with “sleeves” of occult-looking tattoos.  He wears a black occult-themed T-shirt, stained with cheeto dust, fresh and otherwise. 
• Eva BACHMANN-DUMPF – a morbidly obese twenty-something woman with long straight blond hair.  She is wearing a different black occult-themed t-shirt, and sports a small pentagram tattooed under her left ear. 
• Edmund POCKERT – A short, wiry man with a fringe of white hair snaking around the back of his head to meet his white beard.  He wears a visibly worn suit. 

A smattering of reporters are gathered.

POCKERT:   I’m Edmund Pockert, the legal counsel for the Twin Cities Church of Satan. 

GUMPKE AND BACHMANN-DUMPF: (awkwardly, loudly) Hail Satan!

POCKERT:  Mr. J-Talon666 and Ms. QueenOfTheDark will now answer questions.

CHANNEL 11:   Mr. and Ms. What? 

POCKERT:  Those are the names our representatives go by. 

CHANNEL 9:  So what’s going on with this display?

GUMPKE:  This display is ack-shu-ally our way of striking a blow for religious pluralism.

BACHMANN-DUMPF:  We love to notice the hypocrisy of Christians who melt down when other people exercise religious freedom. 

MPR NEWS:  When you say “melt down”…?

BACHMANN-DUMPF:  Christians always have a cow and melt down when we assert our rights. 

POCKERT:  Always. 

ALPHA NEWS:  So, how do you respond to allegations that the “church of Satan” is less about religious freedom and more about getting a juvenile rise out of mainstream Christians.

BACHMANN-DUMPF:  Well, it is their own fault.  They always have a cow and melt down and freak out go into emotional tailspin and get loud and crazy and deranged and lose their shi…

GUMPKE:  They are very predictable. 

CENTER OF THE AMERICAN EXPERIMENT:   So a local blogger and talk host left this satirical response to your display:

(GUMPKE and BACHMANN-DUMPF stand, gobsmacked and confused, for a moment. )

GUMPKE:   (finally breaking the silence) Well, this is typical.   A Christian freaking out…

CHANNEL 4:  This doesn’t appear to be – what was your term – “freaking out”.

ALPHA NEWS:  Yeah, more like “satire” or “parody”, speaking to the notion that “Satanism” exist just to try to mock and ridicule regular Christians.

BACHMANN-DUMPF:  Is this even legal?  Can they do that?

POCKERT:  (nods silently)

GUMPKE:   It’s our view that this just contributes to the climate of hate against Satanists…

PIONEER PRESS:  But it’s just mockery – not a whole lot different than this display, itself

POCKERT:  OK, this converence is over.

(The three shuffle away from the podium).

And SCENE

SCENE:  A “domestic” set in a media production room in DC.   Two Staffers, CHAD and JOSHUA, and two Harris staffers, COURTNEY and CLAUDE, are going over footage from an attempt to shoot a video.

COURTNEY:  OK, try take 45:

KAMALA HARRIS (on playback) “Hey, I’m Kamala Harris, and I spent the past week or two getting unburdened by what has been, raging on Jäger shots and weapons-grade weed, and trying to…

CLAUDE:  That’s not gonna work. 

COURTNEY:  What else we got?

JOSHUA:  Well, let’s just say this ad campaign is…um…

CHAD: Unburdened by a great take.

CLAUDE:  Well, I’m afraid that means the best take is…

COURTNEY:   63. 

CHAD:  Hard to say. She smelled like a three day bender the whole time.

COURTNEY:  (shrugs shoulders) Let’s try and see it again.

JOSHUA: (presses button)

The four wince visibly.

COURTNEY:  Seriously?   The best take?

JOSHUA:  Er…

CHAD:  Yep.  That’s as good as it gets.

CLAUDE:  We could try again when she’s sobered up?

COURTNEY:  OMG, she’s worse when she’s hung over. 

CLAUDE: (shakes head). What the hell.  Post it. 

CHAD: ( posting the video). Here comes the joy!

 And SCENE!

UPDATE:  I mean, look what they had to choose from?

SCENE:  In a conference room at the headquarters of Minnesotans United for All Progressive Causes, a blindingly Scandinavian-looking suite of offices in a pre-war building in Saint Paul.  On one wall, a window looks out on a stunning vista the Mississippi River.  Through the other, rows of cubicles staffed by interns making fund-raising calls, as a couple of college-age boys tear down Kamala Harris posters and throw them in the trash.

In the conference room are:

• Moonbeam BIRKENSTOCK, community engagement manager.  She’s wearing a blue bracelet.
• Inge “Lucky” CARROLL, head meme-buffer.  She sports a new, blue Celtic Thorn tattoo on her wrist.
• Gretel STROMBERG, executive director.  She also has a blue bracelet. 
• Ken MARTIN, Chair of the MN DFL
• Martina ROBBINS, Liaison director for Planned Parenthood of Minnesota.  She’s wearing blue bracelets on each wrist. 
• Chad MANBUNFRONDSON, Democrat National Committee field staffer based in Minneapolis, and current romantic partner of Gretel Stromberg.
• MyLissa SILBERMANN, Reporter for National Public Radio’s Saint Paul bureau, covering the “Fake News” and “Diversity” beats, and no way no how an active participant in regional progressive politics.   Her hair is newly-died blue. 

All look visibly cried-out. 

STROMBERG:   OK.  So, that could have gone better.  But (she says, visibly trying to convince herself), it’s a new day.  Onward and upward.  What do we say?

EVERYONE (grumbling).  We’re not going back.

BIRKENSTOCK (slightly more chipper): Tuuuuurn the page!

(The exhortation is met with grumbles). 

STROMBERG:  OK.   We’re going to get on top of the new plan.  Inge?

CARROLL: Yes.  We’re going to get women to adopt the “Four Bs – it’s a South Korean trend where women swear off dating, sex, marriage and having kids with men”.

BIRKENSTOCK:   I already broke up with my boyfriend.  

STROMBERG:  I actually ditched my partner .

MANBUNFRONDSON:  You what?

STROMBERG: Oh, yeah.  I’m  not going back…

MANBUNFRONDSON:  But…but… (tearing up a bit) Not even if I wear the Schoolgirl outfit?

MARTIN:  (a little perplexed). Hang on, Gretel. Isn’t Chad always an ally?  I mean, he wears an unironic man-bun and ran White Dudes for Harris of Minnesota…

STROMBERG:  The cause is the cause. 

(The women all nod.  Martin looks around, fall silent. MANBUNFRONDSON leaves the room, in tears)

SILBERMANN:  So that means…

CARROLL:  No dating.  No sex.  No marriage.  And noooooo babies.  None.   Complete cut-off. 

STROMBERG:  Sounds like genius.

(Everyone applauds – even Martin, gingerly – except for ROBBINS)

ROBBINS:  Wait.  No sex?

CARROLL:  Yep.  Even for your husband. Sorry. 

ROBBINS:  Oh, that train left the station five years ago.  No, here’s the problem (pulls out iPad, shows it around the table):

ROBBINS: This ingenious plan of yours will leave us broke. Busted. Bupkes.

(Silence around the table, as the murmer of the fundraising and MANBUNFRONDSON’s sobbing filters through the glass wall)

BIRKENSTOCK:  Well, the legislature will appropriate money to make up for it! 

CARROLL: Yeah!  We got the trifecta!  

STROMBERG:  ONE MINNESOTA!

MARTIN:  Uhhhh, kind of a good-news, bad-news situation, here…

SCENE pulls away to the middle of the fundraising floor, to the sound of the womens’ blood-curdling screams. 

And SCENE.

SCENE: In a conference room at the MN DFL headquarters. Chair Ken Martin is sitting along one side of the table with Gretel STROMBERG and Inge “Lucky” CARROLL, the executive director and chief social media meme-buffer at “Minnesotans United for All Conservative Causes”, the state’s primary non-profit political action committee that is no way, no how connected with the DFL, you racist pig. Across the table sits Chad MANBUNFRONDSON, upper midwest outreach director for the Harris/Walz campaign.

MANBUNFRONDSON: So here’s the new ad we’re thinking to get out the vote in Minnesota.

(Clicks remote.  Ad flickers onto the screen)

(MARTIN, CARROLL and STROMBERG look at each other.  The silence is a little awkward).

MARTIN (finally):  It’s pure genius!

(CARROLL and STROMBERG applaud politely in the background)

MANBUNFRONDSON:  We just figured that after seeing her husband’s performance during Covid, where treating the state like a bunch of addled infants for 19 months got him re-elected, that we literally couldn’t go broke betting on the stupidity of MInnesotans.

STROMBERG and CARROLL (simultaneously):  You got that right.

MANBUNFRONDSON:  So, presuming the media vetted the Governor and his wife sufficiently…

(MARTIN, CARROLL and STROMBERG look awkwardly at each other. before bursting out laughing.  MANBUNFRONSON, late to the joke, joins them). 

MANBUNFRONSON:  (Catching is breath) Yeah, I know.  No matter how often I come here, I still can’t get used to this place. 

MARTIN (Summoning a butler with a clap of his hands):  Let’s celebrate!

And SCENE

SCENE:   Governor Walz’s command post van, parked out back of the Minnesota State Fair.  Governor WALZ enters, dressed in his “regular Joe” costume, trailed by Lieutenant Governor FLANAGAN, sans turquoise earrings.  Trailing after in the entourage are the Governor’s press secretary, Moonbeam BIRKENSTOCK, and Lt. Gov. Flanagan’s press aide Cat SCAT.   WALZ’s face is red, causing his eyebrows to stand out like little white flares on a dark night.  Several other staffers, as well as FLANAGAN’s husband, former MPR political reporter and NPR’s MyLyssa SILBERMAN, reporter for National Public Radio’s Saint Paul bureau, covering the “Fake News” and “Diversity” beats, and Betty Rae TORSTENGAARDSEN, a writer at the (possibly fictional) progressive blog “MinnesotaLiberalAlliance.Blogspot.com“, and Lac Qui Parle County Dairy Princess in 1987, and voted “most likely to end up as a freelance political writer” by her sorority at U of M Morris in 1992.

WALZ:  What the hell was that?

FLANAGAN:  Weren’t they tooooold of the policy?

BIRKENSTOCK:  It was on the handout (SCAT produces the handout); “The state fair is only about food and baby animals“. 

WALZ:   Then what the hell was this?

BIRKENSTOCK: It was all that out of town media.

WALZ:  Well, what can we do about them? 

SILBERMAN:  What do you mean, “do”?

WALZ:  Can we get rid of them until they know the rules?  I mean, just look at this:

WALZ: I mean, what happened to the reporters who knows the rules? Peggy, what did you do with that guy from Public Minnesota Radio?

FLANAGAN:  Dated and married him? (WEBER gushes).

WALZ:  Can one of you date and marry that woman?

(BIRKENSTOCK and SCAT trade nervous glances)

BIRKENSTOCK:  Uhhhhh…

WALZ:  Look – the Minnesota media knows their place.  What’s it gonna take to get these national people to follow the rules?

SILBERMAN:  I probably shouldn’t be talking here, but playing games with access usually does the trick.

BIRKENSTOCK:  I know, we gotta get in control of that.

TORSTENGAARDSEN:  Or – and this may seem a little radical – you could answer policy questions from the press…

(Everyone in the room looks at TORSTENGAARDSEN as if she’s farted in church)

WALZ:  Get her the hell out of here.

(Security guards and Secret Service pass TORSTENGAARDSEN out of the van like it’s a mosh pit in 1992). 

WALZ:  OK.  Serious discussion here.  National media.  What the hell?  Think, people…

And SCENE

SCENE:  On Broadway at Central, in Northeast Minneapolis.  It’s late fall; winter is clearly on the way.  Stray papers blow down the street, nearly deserted in, visibly chilly.  Outside the boarded up remains of what had been a breakfast place catering to “laptop-class” white progressive “new urbanites”, one of many boarded up stores on that once-lively stretch of street, a small group of people stand around a fire in a trash pail. 

The group includes Tyrese and TayShawnda GROVES, a 40-something black couple; Steven SPALSKI, a 31 year old white male with his girlfriend, 30 year old Summer BLEAKER; 58-year-old Cindy HARLESS; Juan and Marcella VEGA, both 50, with their 11 year old son Arturo; and 45 year old Thai NGUYEN..

A police car creeps down the rutted road, dodging potholes, the officer avoiding the gaze of the people around the fire. 

TYRESE GROVES:  (to Spalski):  So what did you used to do?

SPALSKI:  You mean…before the joy?

(The group laughs, mirthlessly)

SPALSKI:  I was a graphic designer for a startup that had just done its IPO. 

BLEAKER:  He was in line for a ton of stock options. 

MARCELLA VEGA:  What happened?

SPALSKI:  (sighing with a weight greater than his years):  All our customers went bankrupt. 

TAYSHAWNDA GROVES:  Same here.  We ran a little grocery store over North.  We were getting by…

TYRESE GROVES: …til the “anti-gouging price controls” hit.  

NGUYEN:  F***ing “anti-gouging act”

 (Several of the people spit onto the dirty sidewalk). 

GROVES (To Juan and Thai)  You?

JUAN VEGA:  I ran a little repair shop.   Couldn’t get parts anymore. 

NGUYEN:  Thai restaurant.  All our wholesalers went bust. 

TAYSHAWNDA GROVES:  Well, they took care of the “gouging”. 

(Bitter laughs ensue)

MARCELLA VEGA:  At least we had all that “joy”.

(General murmurs of disgust was the group warms their hands).

A Subaru, belching oil smoke, pulls up.  Two women – 27  year old Emily FRONTENAC and 48 year old Emily MONTPETIT-EMILY, roll down a window.  FRONTENAC’s hair shows little flecks of long-neglected blue dye at the end of long dirty-blond roots.  MONTPETIT-EMILY, a blocky-looking woman, stares ahead grimly.

FRONTENAC:  Hey – do you know the guy who’s selling the gluten-free eggs?

THAI:  I might.

JUAN VEGA:  Hey, just a minute ( points at the shirt MONTPETIT-EMILY is wearing,  which looks a little like this…

JUAN VEGA:  You’re one of the “pissed off women” who dragged Harris and Piglet over the line into the white house!

MONTPETIT-EMILY:  Er…uh…

SPALSKI:  You’re the ones that brought us all the “Joy”!

FRONTENAC:  Uh….

JUAN VEGA:  I had a good life before you “pissed off white progressive women” tanked the economy!

FRONTENAC:  We saved abortion rights…

HARLESS:  I can’t feed my grandkids abortion rights!

FRONTENAC:  But…

TAYSHAWNDA GROVES:  Hey, it’s a couple of the “pissed off women!”

JUAN VEGA:  You always knew better than everyone.

SPALSKI:  I had a life before you and your idiot president!

(Arturo Vega picks up a small rock and whips it at the Subary, dinging off the door)

FRONTENAC: Heyyy!

NGUYEN, HARLESS and TYRESE GROVES pick up handfuls of rocks and garbage and start pelting the car, which accelarates away as SPALSKI kicks at the back bumper. 

MARCELLA VEGA:  Feeling the joy yet, b***h*s?

JUAN VEGA sails a rock down the street, cracking the Subaru’s back window. 

TAYSHAWNDA GROVES:  I’ll show you pissed off women…

(General murmurs of asssent)

NGUYEN:  So what are you all having for dinner tonight?

BLEAKER:  Probably more joy. 

(MIrthless laughter).

SPALSKI:  Never gets old, does it?

And SCENE.

SCENE:   A small postwar “starter” home in New Hope, Minnesota.  It is about 10PM.  Josh McGILL, 35 year old estimator and sometimes technician for a family HVAC business, and Cassie McGILL, 33 and an office manager for a real estate firm, have finally gotten their kids to bed for the evening.  They are working on the bills as the evening news plays on the TV in the background.

JOSH:  Well, if we just had $100 more, the budget would be balanced.

CASSIE:  But Junior is going to need new skates for hockey soon.

JOSH:  Ugh.   I don’t know that I’m going to be able to get a lot over overtime.

CASSIE:  And then there’s the elephant in the room – this house is just too small for three kids. 

JOSH:  The way mortgage rates are going, we can’t afford to move.

CASSIE:  And with food up 30%, gas and heating up…

JOSH:  …don’t forget taxes on everything going up…

CASSIE:  …that too – I don’t know how we make that work. 

JOSH:  And with our commercial customers dropping like flies, we are going to wind up laying people off at this rate. 

CASSIE:  (sighs heavily). We’re still paying for that catalytic converter that got stolen.  What are we going to do?

(The TV mysteriously gets louder, and Kamala HARRIS and Tim WALZ dart their eyes to CASSIE and JOSH, through the screen)

HARRIS:  Feel joy!

JOSH:  DId you say something Cassie?

CASSIE:  It’s…the TV. 

HARRIS: 

WALZ:  Do it for One Minnesota!

CASSIE:  Oh, Madame Vice President and Governor Walz.  Hi.  It’s just that things are kinda…stressful…

(The sound of Beyonce’s song “Freedom” turns up, and HARRIS and WALZ start dancing)

JOSH:  It’s kinda like, prices have gone up way, way faster than our incomes, and business is slowing, and interest rates for my business are crazy, and whatever savings we have are getting bled out, and our kids school just isn’t doing the job, and…

(The music stops abruptly.  HARRIS and WALZ’s eletronic gazes fix upon the McGills)

WALZ:  Perhaps you weren’t listening.

HARRIS:  Don’t be weird ,Josh and Cassie.  Feel joy!  Because joy is what you should feel if you don’t want to be the weird person who isn’t feeling joy.

JOSH:  Er, that’s great, but it doesn’t…

HARRIS:  (Scowling). I said feel joy. . 

WALZ:  Now.  For One Minnesota.

HARRIS:  And One America, not weird America, a joyful America, unburdened by the weight of what has been.  

(And just as suddenly as they appeared, they are gone, as KARE 11 shows TikTok videos of the Saint Paul City Council dancing.)

CASSIE:  What was that?

JOSH:  I have no idea.

And SCENE.

SCENE:   Mitch Berg is waiting for a coffee order before going on a road trip when Evan SCHMEISSER-JUNG, political scientist, walks into the room. 

SCHMEISSER-JUNG:  Merg!

BERG: Oh, hey, Evan.  Long time no…

SCHMEISSER-JUNG: Shut up!   Did you see the results of the Twins game last night?

BERG: Yeah, the bullpen kinda let us down…

SCHMEISSER-JUNG: Why are you melting down over the Twins?

BERG:  Er, I’m not sure I follow…

SCHMEISSER-JUNG:  I just mentioned the Twins game, and you started melting down over it.  It’s just a baseball game. 

BERG:  Oh, great.  This again.  

SCHMEISSER-JUNG:   What again?

BERG:   Describing a perfectly emotionally neutral response – usually but not always in writing – as “Melting Down”. It’s a strawman and a deflection – trying to force me to defend a non-existent emotional state rather than arguing the actual point.  It’s illogical, and kinda rhetorically abusive. 

SCHMEISSER-JUNG:  So you’re angry.

BERG: Huh?

SCHMEISSER-JUNG: You’re roiling  with anger!

BERG: Aaaaand more of the same.

SCHMEISSER-JUNG:  Does this make you maaaaad?

BERG: No.

SCHMEISSER-JUNG: Tell the truth.

BERG: OK, the truth: no, and try to find a new subject. 

SCHMEISSER-JUNG:  Speaking of straw men, why do you always transfer political subjects to fake people like Avery Librelle?

LIBRELLE: (sitting at a high-top table drinking free water and using the wi-fi). Beg pardon?

BERG:  See?  Not so much a fake person as a satirical invention.  Because sometimes satire illuminates the truth better than just butting my head into it.

SCHMEISSER-JUNG:  So you’re both melting down.  

BERG: (Audibly sighs, turns back toward the front, waiting to order, as LIBRELLE looks on, puzzled )

SCHMEISSER-JUNG:  More melting down.

(BERG orders a large dark roast with heavy cream.  LIBRELLE goes back to playing Wordle) .

SCHMEISSER-JUNG:  Feel the rage.

BERG:  Exits stage R

And SCENE

MITCH: Go Timberwolves!

CRITIC: But hey, Mitch – since when do you care about pro sports?

MITCH: Outside the Bears, Cubs and Twins?

CRITIC: Right. Since when?

MITCH: Since never. Don’t usually care. But I DO care about having fun, and being in a place where one of the teams is doing well is kinda a blast, even if you don’t care that much about the sport. See also the NDSU Bison.

CRITIC: But you haven’t been a loyal Timberwolves fan!

MITCH: Yep.

CRITIC: That makes you a fair weather fan!

MITCH: Dang skippy it does. Why waste time on losers?

CRITIC: But you’re a Bears fan.

MITCH: Yep. And they’re going to the Super Bowl this year. Or next, if that doesn’t work out. The weather is *always* fair, here.

CRITIC: But doesn’t this violate Berg’s Fourth Law?

MITCH: Close. But here’s the statutory technicality: I’m not saying “they’re gonna win!”. I’m being hopeful but pessimistic. So we’re good.

CRITIC: That don’t make no sense

MITCH: Shut up cheer. Sheesh.

SCENE: A (probably) fictional meeting at the StarTribune editorial board. Servants bustle about, gathering cocktail glasses and the picked over remains of lobster from the table. Publisher Steve GROVE presides, as David BANKS, Jill BURCUM, Scott GILLESPIE, Denise JOHNSON, Patricia LOPEZ, John RASH, D.J. TICE and CEO Michael J. KLINGENSMITH slowly focus their attention.

GROVE: OK. So someone asked me – what is the current term to refer to an ill…er, to someone who has migrated to the United States without legal authorization?

TICE: It’s been “Undocumented Migrant” for about 20 years now.

KLINGENSMITH: The consensus is that’s too pejorative. We need a new one.

GROVE: No bad ideas, here, people.

BURCUM: How about “trans-national Americans”?

RASH: Oooh, I like that. “Trans-national Americans are real Americans”. (Murmurs of assent)

GILLESPIE: Border victims.

JOHNSON: Oooh, nice.

GROVE: OK. Good ideas, here. We’ll work on it. Now – we’ve had a question about the term “soldier”. Of course, soldiers have guarded this nation’s freedom…

LOPEZ: (hisses contemptuously)

GROVE: I know, I know, work with me, here. That’s the baggage – a lot of the F150 driving “big yard” set…

LOPEZ: ( hisses contempuously again)

GROVE: …think “Soldier” is an honorable term in our society.

BURCUM: ( giggles)

GROVE: So how about this piece here?

GROVE: Any problems using “Soldier” to refer both to someone defending this country…

LOPEZ: ( hisses contempuously yet again)

GROVE: …and a knee-buster for a cartel?

(Uncomprehending stares from the entire board, except for…)

TICE: Uh, that seems…

GILLESPIE: We’re good!

GROVE: OK. Moving right along…

And SCENE

SCENE: A conference room in Zürich, Switzerland. An international team of historians is gathered in a conference hall. Behind the panel tabel, a large “Powerpoint 2170” holographic slide displays the title for the session: “Origins of the Second American Civil War”.

PROFESSOR A: Welcome, one and all, to this discussion on the origins of the Second American Civil War. We’d like to start with this presentation from PROFESSOR B.

PROFESSOR B: Thank you. As you know, the origins of the Second American Civil War, 150 years ago, are shrouded in mystery. But we found this exchange on “X”, a “social medium” popular around 2024, that sheds some light on the subject.

(B swooshes his hand in the air, and the holograph advances to show a “Twitter thread”i)

ProgressiveDuke1332: ReTHUGlicons have no policies to fix Minneapolis’s problems.

Mitchpberg: Of course we do. Arrest, prosecute and incarcerate actual dangerous criminals. Make life better for law-abiding citizens. Get rid of impediments to affordable life, like rent control, the Met Council’s idiot zoning policies and city policies about “driving density”. Have a a sales tax holiday. Cut spending, and cut taxes, especially some of the more niggling, punitive taxes like parking meter rates and hospitality taxes, to simulate traffic and business.

ProgressiveDuke1332: Hahaha, mitchpberg think you can eliminate crime by lowering parking fees!

PROFESSOR B: This, I hold, was the beginning of a pattern where nobody in society could communicate about anything.

PROFESSOR C: So, part of America lashed out at the other part as a matter of…

PROFESSOR D: Intellectual self-defense?

PROFESSOR B: Precisely.

(Brow-furrowing and beard-scratching follows)

PROFESSOR E: I mean, it doesn’t not make sense…

(General assent breaks out).

And SCENE

SCENE: It’s a darkened back room at Minnesota DFL headquarters. Ken Martin and an attendant perp-walk a figured in handcuffs with a bag over his head into a room at the faaar back of the building. They sit him down and pull the bag off, revealing Rep. Andy SMITH (chucklehead jagoff, Rochester). DIsoriented, SMITH blinks and adjusts to the dim light as he notices the people around him.

SMITH: Er…who are you?

MAN 1: I’m former state Representative John Thompson.

MAN 2: I’m Representative Dan Wolgamott

WOMAN 1: I’m Representative Brion Curran.

MAN 3: I’m former sheriff Dave Hutchinson.

MAN 4: I’m William Davis, former communications genius.

WOMAN 2: I’m Julie Blaha, state auditor.

MAN 5: I’m Matt Roznowski, , DFL comms guy and tough tough enforcer.

SMITH: Wow. So – what are you all in for?

CURRAN: Same thing as you.

SMITH: Uh…what’s that?

HUTCHINSON: Keep you out of sight.

SMITH: Why?

BLAHA: So the media doesn’t accidentally get curious and cover any of us.

THOMPSON: RIght about now, you’ll be…

(DAVIS pulls up SMITH’s twitter account)

DAVIS: Just like they did for me.

Everyone nods, goes back to quietly passing the time.

And SCENE