Tag Archives: Dramatization

Back From Vacation

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SCENE:  A “domestic” set in a media production room in DC.   Two Staffers, CHAD and JOSHUA, and two Harris staffers, COURTNEY and CLAUDE, are going over footage from an attempt to shoot a video.

COURTNEY:  OK, try take 45:

KAMALA HARRIS (on playback) “Hey, I’m Kamala Harris, and I spent the past week or two getting unburdened by what has been, raging on Jäger shots and weapons-grade weed, and trying to…

CLAUDE:  That’s not gonna work. 

COURTNEY:  What else we got?

JOSHUA:  Well, let’s just say this ad campaign is…um…

CHAD: Unburdened by a great take.

CLAUDE:  Well, I’m afraid that means the best take is…

COURTNEY:   63. 

CHAD:  Hard to say. She smelled like a three day bender the whole time.

COURTNEY:  (shrugs shoulders) Let’s try and see it again.

JOSHUA: (presses button)

The four wince visibly.

COURTNEY:  Seriously?   The best take?

JOSHUA:  Er…

CHAD:  Yep.  That’s as good as it gets.

CLAUDE:  We could try again when she’s sobered up?

COURTNEY:  OMG, she’s worse when she’s hung over. 

CLAUDE: (shakes head). What the hell.  Post it. 

CHAD: ( posting the video). Here comes the joy!

 And SCENE!

UPDATE:  I mean, look what they had to choose from?

Going Back

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SCENE:  In a conference room at the headquarters of Minnesotans United for All Progressive Causes, a blindingly Scandinavian-looking suite of offices in a pre-war building in Saint Paul.  On one wall, a window looks out on a stunning vista the Mississippi River.  Through the other, rows of cubicles staffed by interns making fund-raising calls, as a couple of college-age boys tear down Kamala Harris posters and throw them in the trash.

In the conference room are:

  • Moonbeam BIRKENSTOCK, community engagement manager.  She’s wearing a blue bracelet.
  • Inge “Lucky” CARROLL, head meme-buffer.  She sports a new, blue Celtic Thorn tattoo on her wrist.
  • Gretel STROMBERG, executive director.  She also has a blue bracelet. 
  • Ken MARTIN, Chair of the MN DFL
  • Martina ROBBINS, Liaison director for Planned Parenthood of Minnesota.  She’s wearing blue bracelets on each wrist. 
  • Chad MANBUNFRONDSON, Democrat National Committee field staffer based in Minneapolis, and current romantic partner of Gretel Stromberg.
  • MyLissa SILBERMANN, Reporter for National Public Radio’s Saint Paul bureau, covering the “Fake News” and “Diversity” beats, and no way no how an active participant in regional progressive politics.   Her hair is newly-died blue. 

All look visibly cried-out. 

STROMBERG:   OK.  So, that could have gone better.  But (she says, visibly trying to convince herself), it’s a new day.  Onward and upward.  What do we say?

EVERYONE (grumbling).  We’re not going back.

BIRKENSTOCK (slightly more chipper): Tuuuuurn the page!

(The exhortation is met with grumbles). 

STROMBERG:  OK.   We’re going to get on top of the new plan.  Inge?

CARROLL: Yes.  We’re going to get women to adopt the “Four Bs – it’s a South Korean trend where women swear off dating, sex, marriage and having kids with men”.

BIRKENSTOCK:   I already broke up with my boyfriend.  

STROMBERG:  I actually ditched my partner .

MANBUNFRONDSON:  You what?

STROMBERG: Oh, yeah.  I’m  not going back…

MANBUNFRONDSON:  But…but… (tearing up a bit) Not even if I wear the Schoolgirl outfit?

MARTIN:  (a little perplexed). Hang on, Gretel. Isn’t Chad always an ally?  I mean, he wears an unironic man-bun and ran White Dudes for Harris of Minnesota…

STROMBERG:  The cause is the cause. 

(The women all nod.  Martin looks around, fall silent. MANBUNFRONDSON leaves the room, in tears)

SILBERMANN:  So that means…

CARROLL:  No dating.  No sex.  No marriage.  And noooooo babies.  None.   Complete cut-off. 

STROMBERG:  Sounds like genius.

(Everyone applauds – even Martin, gingerly – except for ROBBINS)

ROBBINS:  Wait.  No sex?

CARROLL:  Yep.  Even for your husband. Sorry. 

ROBBINS:  Oh, that train left the station five years ago.  No, here’s the problem (pulls out iPad, shows it around the table):

ROBBINS: This ingenious plan of yours will leave us broke. Busted. Bupkes.

(Silence around the table, as the murmer of the fundraising and MANBUNFRONDSON’s sobbing filters through the glass wall)

BIRKENSTOCK:  Well, the legislature will appropriate money to make up for it! 

CARROLL: Yeah!  We got the trifecta!  

STROMBERG:  ONE MINNESOTA!

MARTIN:  Uhhhh, kind of a good-news, bad-news situation, here…

SCENE pulls away to the middle of the fundraising floor, to the sound of the womens’ blood-curdling screams. 

And SCENE.

One Day At DFL HQ

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SCENE: In a conference room at the MN DFL headquarters. Chair Ken Martin is sitting along one side of the table with Gretel STROMBERG and Inge “Lucky” CARROLL, the executive director and chief social media meme-buffer at “Minnesotans United for All Conservative Causes”, the state’s primary non-profit political action committee that is no way, no how connected with the DFL, you racist pig. Across the table sits Chad MANBUNFRONDSON, upper midwest outreach director for the Harris/Walz campaign.

MANBUNFRONDSON: So here’s the new ad we’re thinking to get out the vote in Minnesota.

(Clicks remote.  Ad flickers onto the screen)

(MARTIN, CARROLL and STROMBERG look at each other.  The silence is a little awkward).

MARTIN (finally):  It’s pure genius!

(CARROLL and STROMBERG applaud politely in the background)

MANBUNFRONDSON:  We just figured that after seeing her husband’s performance during Covid, where treating the state like a bunch of addled infants for 19 months got him re-elected, that we literally couldn’t go broke betting on the stupidity of MInnesotans.

STROMBERG and CARROLL (simultaneously):  You got that right.

MANBUNFRONDSON:  So, presuming the media vetted the Governor and his wife sufficiently…

(MARTIN, CARROLL and STROMBERG look awkwardly at each other. before bursting out laughing.  MANBUNFRONSON, late to the joke, joins them). 

MANBUNFRONSON:  (Catching is breath) Yeah, I know.  No matter how often I come here, I still can’t get used to this place. 

MARTIN (Summoning a butler with a clap of his hands):  Let’s celebrate!

And SCENE

Pounce

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SCENE:   Governor Walz’s command post van, parked out back of the Minnesota State Fair.  Governor WALZ enters, dressed in his “regular Joe” costume, trailed by Lieutenant Governor FLANAGAN, sans turquoise earrings.  Trailing after in the entourage are the Governor’s press secretary, Moonbeam BIRKENSTOCK, and Lt. Gov. Flanagan’s press aide Cat SCAT.   WALZ’s face is red, causing his eyebrows to stand out like little white flares on a dark night.  Several other staffers, as well as FLANAGAN’s husband, former MPR political reporter and NPR’s MyLyssa SILBERMAN, reporter for National Public Radio’s Saint Paul bureau, covering the “Fake News” and “Diversity” beats, and Betty Rae TORSTENGAARDSEN, a writer at the (possibly fictional) progressive blog “MinnesotaLiberalAlliance.Blogspot.com“, and Lac Qui Parle County Dairy Princess in 1987, and voted “most likely to end up as a freelance political writer” by her sorority at U of M Morris in 1992.

WALZ:  What the hell was that?

FLANAGAN:  Weren’t they tooooold of the policy?

BIRKENSTOCK:  It was on the handout (SCAT produces the handout); “The state fair is only about food and baby animals“. 

WALZ:   Then what the hell was this?

 

BIRKENSTOCK: It was all that out of town media.

WALZ:  Well, what can we do about them? 

SILBERMAN:  What do you mean, “do”?

WALZ:  Can we get rid of them until they know the rules?  I mean, just look at this:

WALZ: I mean, what happened to the reporters who knows the rules? Peggy, what did you do with that guy from Public Minnesota Radio?

FLANAGAN:  Dated and married him? (WEBER gushes).

WALZ:  Can one of you date and marry that woman?

(BIRKENSTOCK and SCAT trade nervous glances)

BIRKENSTOCK:  Uhhhhh…

WALZ:  Look – the Minnesota media knows their place.  What’s it gonna take to get these national people to follow the rules?

SILBERMAN:  I probably shouldn’t be talking here, but playing games with access usually does the trick.

BIRKENSTOCK:  I know, we gotta get in control of that.

TORSTENGAARDSEN:  Or – and this may seem a little radical – you could answer policy questions from the press…

(Everyone in the room looks at TORSTENGAARDSEN as if she’s farted in church)

WALZ:  Get her the hell out of here.

(Security guards and Secret Service pass TORSTENGAARDSEN out of the van like it’s a mosh pit in 1992). 

WALZ:  OK.  Serious discussion here.  National media.  What the hell?  Think, people…

And SCENE

America, 2027

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SCENE:  On Broadway at Central, in Northeast Minneapolis.  It’s late fall; winter is clearly on the way.  Stray papers blow down the street, nearly deserted in, visibly chilly.  Outside the boarded up remains of what had been a breakfast place catering to “laptop-class” white progressive “new urbanites”, one of many boarded up stores on that once-lively stretch of street, a small group of people stand around a fire in a trash pail. 

The group includes Tyrese and TayShawnda GROVES, a 40-something black couple; Steven SPALSKI, a 31 year old white male with his girlfriend, 30 year old Summer BLEAKER; 58-year-old Cindy HARLESS; Juan and Marcella VEGA, both 50, with their 11 year old son Arturo; and 45 year old Thai NGUYEN..

A police car creeps down the rutted road, dodging potholes, the officer avoiding the gaze of the people around the fire. 

TYRESE GROVES:  (to Spalski):  So what did you used to do?

SPALSKI:  You mean…before the joy?

(The group laughs, mirthlessly)

SPALSKI:  I was a graphic designer for a startup that had just done its IPO. 

BLEAKER:  He was in line for a ton of stock options. 

MARCELLA VEGA:  What happened?

SPALSKI:  (sighing with a weight greater than his years):  All our customers went bankrupt. 

TAYSHAWNDA GROVES:  Same here.  We ran a little grocery store over North.  We were getting by…

TYRESE GROVES: …til the “anti-gouging price controls” hit.  

NGUYEN:  F***ing “anti-gouging act”

 (Several of the people spit onto the dirty sidewalk). 

GROVES (To Juan and Thai)  You?

JUAN VEGA:  I ran a little repair shop.   Couldn’t get parts anymore. 

NGUYEN:  Thai restaurant.  All our wholesalers went bust. 

TAYSHAWNDA GROVES:  Well, they took care of the “gouging”. 

(Bitter laughs ensue)

MARCELLA VEGA:  At least we had all that “joy”.

(General murmurs of disgust was the group warms their hands).

A Subaru, belching oil smoke, pulls up.  Two women – 27  year old Emily FRONTENAC and 48 year old Emily MONTPETIT-EMILY, roll down a window.  FRONTENAC’s hair shows little flecks of long-neglected blue dye at the end of long dirty-blond roots.  MONTPETIT-EMILY, a blocky-looking woman, stares ahead grimly.

FRONTENAC:  Hey – do you know the guy who’s selling the gluten-free eggs?

THAI:  I might.

JUAN VEGA:  Hey, just a minute ( points at the shirt MONTPETIT-EMILY is wearing,  which looks a little like this…

JUAN VEGA:  You’re one of the “pissed off women” who dragged Harris and Piglet over the line into the white house!

MONTPETIT-EMILY:  Er…uh…

SPALSKI:  You’re the ones that brought us all the “Joy”!

FRONTENAC:  Uh….

JUAN VEGA:  I had a good life before you “pissed off white progressive women” tanked the economy!

FRONTENAC:  We saved abortion rights…

HARLESS:  I can’t feed my grandkids abortion rights!

FRONTENAC:  But…

TAYSHAWNDA GROVES:  Hey, it’s a couple of the “pissed off women!”

JUAN VEGA:  You always knew better than everyone.

SPALSKI:  I had a life before you and your idiot president!

(Arturo Vega picks up a small rock and whips it at the Subary, dinging off the door)

FRONTENAC: Heyyy!

NGUYEN, HARLESS and TYRESE GROVES pick up handfuls of rocks and garbage and start pelting the car, which accelarates away as SPALSKI kicks at the back bumper. 

MARCELLA VEGA:  Feeling the joy yet, b***h*s?

JUAN VEGA sails a rock down the street, cracking the Subaru’s back window. 

TAYSHAWNDA GROVES:  I’ll show you pissed off women…

(General murmurs of asssent)

NGUYEN:  So what are you all having for dinner tonight?

BLEAKER:  Probably more joy. 

(MIrthless laughter).

SPALSKI:  Never gets old, does it?

And SCENE.

 

 

Joy!

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SCENE:   A small postwar “starter” home in New Hope, Minnesota.  It is about 10PM.  Josh McGILL, 35 year old estimator and sometimes technician for a family HVAC business, and Cassie McGILL, 33 and an office manager for a real estate firm, have finally gotten their kids to bed for the evening.  They are working on the bills as the evening news plays on the TV in the background.

JOSH:  Well, if we just had $100 more, the budget would be balanced.

CASSIE:  But Junior is going to need new skates for hockey soon.

JOSH:  Ugh.   I don’t know that I’m going to be able to get a lot over overtime.

CASSIE:  And then there’s the elephant in the room – this house is just too small for three kids. 

JOSH:  The way mortgage rates are going, we can’t afford to move.

CASSIE:  And with food up 30%, gas and heating up…

JOSH:  …don’t forget taxes on everything going up…

CASSIE:  …that too – I don’t know how we make that work. 

JOSH:  And with our commercial customers dropping like flies, we are going to wind up laying people off at this rate. 

CASSIE:  (sighs heavily). We’re still paying for that catalytic converter that got stolen.  What are we going to do?

(The TV mysteriously gets louder, and Kamala HARRIS and Tim WALZ dart their eyes to CASSIE and JOSH, through the screen)

HARRIS:  Feel joy!

JOSH:  DId you say something Cassie?

CASSIE:  It’s…the TV. 

HARRIS: 

WALZ:  Do it for One Minnesota!

CASSIE:  Oh, Madame Vice President and Governor Walz.  Hi.  It’s just that things are kinda…stressful…

(The sound of Beyonce’s song “Freedom” turns up, and HARRIS and WALZ start dancing)

JOSH:  It’s kinda like, prices have gone up way, way faster than our incomes, and business is slowing, and interest rates for my business are crazy, and whatever savings we have are getting bled out, and our kids school just isn’t doing the job, and…

(The music stops abruptly.  HARRIS and WALZ’s eletronic gazes fix upon the McGills)

WALZ:  Perhaps you weren’t listening.

HARRIS:  Don’t be weird ,Josh and Cassie.  Feel joy!  Because joy is what you should feel if you don’t want to be the weird person who isn’t feeling joy.

JOSH:  Er, that’s great, but it doesn’t…

HARRIS:  (Scowling). I said feel joy. . 

WALZ:  Now.  For One Minnesota.

HARRIS:  And One America, not weird America, a joyful America, unburdened by the weight of what has been.  

(And just as suddenly as they appeared, they are gone, as KARE 11 shows TikTok videos of the Saint Paul City Council dancing.)

CASSIE:  What was that?

JOSH:  I have no idea.

And SCENE.

Melting With Rage

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SCENE:   Mitch Berg is waiting for a coffee order before going on a road trip when Evan SCHMEISSER-JUNG, political scientist, walks into the room. 

SCHMEISSER-JUNG:  Merg!

BERG: Oh, hey, Evan.  Long time no…

SCHMEISSER-JUNG: Shut up!   Did you see the results of the Twins game last night?

BERG: Yeah, the bullpen kinda let us down…

SCHMEISSER-JUNG: Why are you melting down over the Twins?

BERG:  Er, I’m not sure I follow…

SCHMEISSER-JUNG:  I just mentioned the Twins game, and you started melting down over it.  It’s just a baseball game. 

BERG:  Oh, great.  This again.  

SCHMEISSER-JUNG:   What again?

BERG:   Describing a perfectly emotionally neutral response – usually but not always in writing – as “Melting Down”. It’s a strawman and a deflection – trying to force me to defend a non-existent emotional state rather than arguing the actual point.  It’s illogical, and kinda rhetorically abusive. 

SCHMEISSER-JUNG:  So you’re angry.

BERG: Huh?

SCHMEISSER-JUNG: You’re roiling  with anger!

BERG: Aaaaand more of the same.

SCHMEISSER-JUNG:  Does this make you maaaaad?

BERG: No.

SCHMEISSER-JUNG: Tell the truth.

BERG: OK, the truth: no, and try to find a new subject. 

SCHMEISSER-JUNG:  Speaking of straw men, why do you always transfer political subjects to fake people like Avery Librelle?

LIBRELLE: (sitting at a high-top table drinking free water and using the wi-fi). Beg pardon?

BERG:  See?  Not so much a fake person as a satirical invention.  Because sometimes satire illuminates the truth better than just butting my head into it.

SCHMEISSER-JUNG:  So you’re both melting down.  

BERG: (Audibly sighs, turns back toward the front, waiting to order, as LIBRELLE looks on, puzzled )

SCHMEISSER-JUNG:  More melting down.

(BERG orders a large dark roast with heavy cream.  LIBRELLE goes back to playing Wordle) .

SCHMEISSER-JUNG:  Feel the rage.

BERG:  Exits stage R

And SCENE

A Discourse On Berg’s Fourth Law

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MITCH: Go Timberwolves!

CRITIC: But hey, Mitch – since when do you care about pro sports?

MITCH: Outside the Bears, Cubs and Twins?

CRITIC: Right. Since when?

MITCH: Since never. Don’t usually care. But I DO care about having fun, and being in a place where one of the teams is doing well is kinda a blast, even if you don’t care that much about the sport. See also the NDSU Bison.

CRITIC: But you haven’t been a loyal Timberwolves fan!

MITCH: Yep.

CRITIC: That makes you a fair weather fan!

MITCH: Dang skippy it does. Why waste time on losers?

CRITIC: But you’re a Bears fan.

MITCH: Yep. And they’re going to the Super Bowl this year. Or next, if that doesn’t work out. The weather is *always* fair, here.

CRITIC: But doesn’t this violate Berg’s Fourth Law?

MITCH: Close. But here’s the statutory technicality: I’m not saying “they’re gonna win!”. I’m being hopeful but pessimistic. So we’re good.

CRITIC: That don’t make no sense

MITCH: Shut up cheer. Sheesh.

Words. Just Words.

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SCENE: A (probably) fictional meeting at the StarTribune editorial board. Servants bustle about, gathering cocktail glasses and the picked over remains of lobster from the table. Publisher Steve GROVE presides, as David BANKS, Jill BURCUM, Scott GILLESPIE, Denise JOHNSON, Patricia LOPEZ, John RASH, D.J. TICE and CEO Michael J. KLINGENSMITH slowly focus their attention.

GROVE: OK. So someone asked me – what is the current term to refer to an ill…er, to someone who has migrated to the United States without legal authorization?

TICE: It’s been “Undocumented Migrant” for about 20 years now.

KLINGENSMITH: The consensus is that’s too pejorative. We need a new one.

GROVE: No bad ideas, here, people.

BURCUM: How about “trans-national Americans”?

RASH: Oooh, I like that. “Trans-national Americans are real Americans”. (Murmurs of assent)

GILLESPIE: Border victims.

JOHNSON: Oooh, nice.

GROVE: OK. Good ideas, here. We’ll work on it. Now – we’ve had a question about the term “soldier”. Of course, soldiers have guarded this nation’s freedom…

LOPEZ: (hisses contemptuously)

GROVE: I know, I know, work with me, here. That’s the baggage – a lot of the F150 driving “big yard” set…

LOPEZ: ( hisses contempuously again)

GROVE: …think “Soldier” is an honorable term in our society.

BURCUM: ( giggles)

GROVE: So how about this piece here?

GROVE: Any problems using “Soldier” to refer both to someone defending this country…

LOPEZ: ( hisses contempuously yet again)

GROVE: …and a knee-buster for a cartel?

(Uncomprehending stares from the entire board, except for…)

TICE: Uh, that seems…

GILLESPIE: We’re good!

GROVE: OK. Moving right along…

And SCENE

At A History Conference, 2174 AD

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SCENE: A conference room in Zürich, Switzerland. An international team of historians is gathered in a conference hall. Behind the panel tabel, a large “Powerpoint 2170” holographic slide displays the title for the session: “Origins of the Second American Civil War”.

PROFESSOR A: Welcome, one and all, to this discussion on the origins of the Second American Civil War. We’d like to start with this presentation from PROFESSOR B.

PROFESSOR B: Thank you. As you know, the origins of the Second American Civil War, 150 years ago, are shrouded in mystery. But we found this exchange on “X”, a “social medium” popular around 2024, that sheds some light on the subject.

(B swooshes his hand in the air, and the holograph advances to show a “Twitter thread”i)

ProgressiveDuke1332: ReTHUGlicons have no policies to fix Minneapolis’s problems.

Mitchpberg: Of course we do. Arrest, prosecute and incarcerate actual dangerous criminals. Make life better for law-abiding citizens. Get rid of impediments to affordable life, like rent control, the Met Council’s idiot zoning policies and city policies about “driving density”. Have a a sales tax holiday. Cut spending, and cut taxes, especially some of the more niggling, punitive taxes like parking meter rates and hospitality taxes, to simulate traffic and business.

ProgressiveDuke1332: Hahaha, mitchpberg think you can eliminate crime by lowering parking fees!

PROFESSOR B: This, I hold, was the beginning of a pattern where nobody in society could communicate about anything.

PROFESSOR C: So, part of America lashed out at the other part as a matter of…

PROFESSOR D: Intellectual self-defense?

PROFESSOR B: Precisely.

(Brow-furrowing and beard-scratching follows)

PROFESSOR E: I mean, it doesn’t not make sense…

(General assent breaks out).

And SCENE

Disappeared

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SCENE: It’s a darkened back room at Minnesota DFL headquarters. Ken Martin and an attendant perp-walk a figured in handcuffs with a bag over his head into a room at the faaar back of the building. They sit him down and pull the bag off, revealing Rep. Andy SMITH (chucklehead jagoff, Rochester). DIsoriented, SMITH blinks and adjusts to the dim light as he notices the people around him.

SMITH: Er…who are you?

MAN 1: I’m former state Representative John Thompson.

MAN 2: I’m Representative Dan Wolgamott

WOMAN 1: I’m Representative Brion Curran.

MAN 3: I’m former sheriff Dave Hutchinson.

MAN 4: I’m William Davis, former communications genius.

WOMAN 2: I’m Julie Blaha, state auditor.

MAN 5: I’m Matt Roznowski, , DFL comms guy and tough tough enforcer.

SMITH: Wow. So – what are you all in for?

CURRAN: Same thing as you.

SMITH: Uh…what’s that?

HUTCHINSON: Keep you out of sight.

SMITH: Why?

BLAHA: So the media doesn’t accidentally get curious and cover any of us.

THOMPSON: RIght about now, you’ll be…

(DAVIS pulls up SMITH’s twitter account)

DAVIS: Just like they did for me.

Everyone nods, goes back to quietly passing the time.

And SCENE

For Want Of A Strongly-Worded Sign

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SCENE 1: It is Constantinople, 1453. The Ottoman forces under SULEIMAN THE GREAT have breached the inner wall of defenses, on their way toward changing the city’s name to Istanbul. SULEIMAN and GENERAL KARAKÜL are standing in the breach, as troops stream past, on their way to loot, rape and pillage.

KARAKÜL: “Go forth and seize what you will, and burn the rest, for you have earned it!

SULEIMAN: (Looking at a sign, in Greek, just inside the wall). Uh, just a moment. The sign says “No raping, looting, pillaging or burning”.

KARAKÜL: Ooops. Good catch, your excellency. (Yelling to troops) Check that. No looting, raping or pillaging!

SCENE 2: Nürnberg, Germany, 1934. The leaders of the recently-empaneled German “Emergency Cabinet” led by Adolf HITLER, are walking from a meeting to a small vegetarian cafe for lunch, discussing their plans now that they’ve achieved complete control of Germany.

HITLER: So, we’ve agreed. The campaign for Lebensraum and the final solution to the “Jewish Problem” must proceed in parallel…”

RUDOLPH HESS: Uh, Mein Führer, before we go too far on that, check that out.

(HESS points at a multicolored sign on the wall next to the cafe.

HITLER: “In this haus, we believe that science is real, that nobody is illegal, that Jews are Human…”

MARTIN BORMAN: D’oh.

HITLER: That changes everything. Maybe we should just work something about with the Poles about Danzig…

SCENE 3: Minneapolis. It’s 1AM on a Saturday morning. Inge SVENSSON and Guiseppe MORELLI, two young hoodlums with arms laden with bottles of cheap vodka and drug syringes, are walking onto the Green Line platform at Stadium Village.

MORELLI: Damn. I need a fix.

SVENSSON: Me too. And I feel like groping some chick.

MORELLI: Groping, my a**. I need to get some.

(A Green Line train with few passengers pulls up to the stop)

SVENSSON: I like how you think my good man. But first, I gotta take a dump.

MORELLI: Don’t be a pig and do it here. Do it on the train. And hurry – my back teeth are floating. Also, I gotta get high.

SVENSSON: Oh, s**t. Wait. Read this:

(Both men scrutinize the sign).

MORELLI: No pooping, peeing, drinking or drug use?

SVENSSON: Dammit. Now we gotta find a restaurant.

MORELLI: The Metro cares about that stuff now? Who knew?

And SCENE

The Real Victims

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SCENE: Mitch BERG is leaving a guitar shop on Selby Avenue after dropping off an instrument for some repairs, when MyLyssa SILBERMAN, reporter for National Public Radio’s Saint Paul bureau, covering the “Fake News” and “Diversity” beats, steps out of a chi-chi coffee shop.

SILBERMAN: Merg.

BERG: Oh, hey, MyLyssa…

SILBERMAN: Terrible, what’s going on in Gaza.

BERG: Yep. 1,300 Israelis massacred, thousands of Gazan human shields dead, hundreds of Israeli soldiers killed…

SILBERMAN: Dozens of journalists killed in Gaza by Israeli forces. It’s terribly dangerous for journalists.

BERG: er, yeah. I suppose that’s a problem too. But, as in World War II, if you’re where the action is, there are dangers.

SILBERMAN: World War II killed dozens of journalists.

BERG: Right. And between 30 and 50 million other combatants and civilians.

SILBERMAN: And dozens of journalists.

BERG: And during the New York Draft Riots of 1863, which killed thousands, especially black and immigrant New Yorkers…

SILBERMAN: Rioters besieged the New York Times building and killed several journalists.

BERG: When the Titanic sank, it was a tragedy that…

SILBERMAN: …two journalists died.

BERG: But it’s not like they were singled out. I mean, they were on a ship…

SILBERMAN: Aren’t you listening? Journalists died.

BERG: Right. So – Rwanda…

SILBERMAN: Journalists were murdered!

BERG: Hmmm. And during the Minneapolis riots, the biggest outrage was…

SILBERMAN: Journalists getting pepper-sprayed and shot with rubber bullets. And some government officials didn’t respond to our requests for interviews.

BERG: And the destruction of East Lake Street and University Avenue, the Third Precinct, and much of civil order…

SILBERMAN: (Yawns broadly). Sorry. I really have to get to the Society of Professional Journalists meeting

BERG: No doubt.

(And SCENE).

One Day At Big Left (TM)

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SCENE: It’s a planning session at Big Left (TM), the central planning organization for leftist, “woke”, “progressive” groups. Avery LIBRELLE, Cat SCAT, Moonbeam BIRKENSTOCK, Stephanie Marie ANNAN, Edmund DUCHEY, Evan Micah BRYAN, Inge “Lucky” CARROLL are gathered around a conference table.

ANNAN: We need to come up with something around which we can unite people against the racist genocidal colonizers.

LIBRELLE: Walmart?

ANNAN: No, not this time. We’re talking Israel.

CARROLL: Yes. What can we do to focus the attention of the world on the slaughter of innocent people by the white supremacist colonizer Jews…

BRYAN: Zionists

CARROLL: …Zionists?

SCAT: Maybe go to Gaza and demonstrate?

(There is a brief, pregnant pause before the discussion resumes)

BIRKENSTOCK: I’ve got it! Let’s demonstrate in front of a childrens cancer hospital!

CARROLL: Yes! That’ll show the Jews…

BRYAN: Zionists

CARROLL: ..Zionists that we mean business!

ANNAN: I (claps) love (claps) it!

DUCHEY: (perusing cell phone) Oh, no. Look – it’s been done:

CARROLL: Dammit!

ANNAN: OK – but we’re on the right track!

BIRKENSTOCK: OK – maybe we picket a no-kill animal shelter?

ANNAN: I (clap) LOVE (clap) IT!

And SCENE

Mirthy

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SCENE: Mitch BERG is loading some garage junk into a truck. He doesn’t notice Avery LIBRELLE, whjo is walking up the alley writing down the addresses of homes without handicap parking spots.

LIBRELLE: Merg!

BERG: Uh…

LIBRELLE: Christian Nationalists can’t handle freedom of religion! They’re having a cow and melting down over a Satan Club at a school!

BERG: Huh.

LIBRELLE: What do you have to say about that?

BERG: Other than “Satanism is a religion in exactly the same way as “The Onion” is, only even less funny? It exists only to mock faith. Well, to mock Christianity. It’s not a worldview. It’s a running adolescent jape.

LIBRELLE: You’re gonna crrrryyyyyyyyyyyy…

BERG: So, if a school had an “Amos and Andy” club, or a “Speedy Gonzales” club, or an “Apu” Club, or a “Boring Basketball” club, do you think Blacks, Latinos, Indian-Americans or women might take umbrage?

(But LIBRELLE is already skipping, literally, down the alley.

And SCENE>

A Pattern

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SCENE: Mitch BERG is walking to his parked car after a political event in downtown Saint Paul. As he walks past a near-empty office building, MyLyssa SILBERMAN, Reporter for National Public Radio’s Saint Paul bureau, covering the “Fake News” and “Diversity” beats, steps out.

SILBERMAN: Merg!

BERG: Er, hey, Mylys…

SILBERMAN: In recent years, you’ve pounced on Demcorats for saying “tut, tut, nobody’s coming for your guns…”

BERG: ….and pointing the reams of legislation that shows that they are, but that that’s not good enough unless there’s actually a cop beating down your door.

SILBERMAN: Uh…

BERG: If the cops are busting down one’s neighbor’s door, I should shut up because they’re not storming my house yet. Point being, the progressive line on all outrages against freedom is “If it’s not happening to you right this second, no matter how imminent, then it’s not a threat”.

SILBERMAN: Don’t you think that’s a bit unfair?

BERG: You tell me:

SILBERMAN: Not sure I get your point…

BERG: Yeah, I don’t imagine you do.

AND SCENE

Przioritiesz

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SCENE: It’s September 1, 1939. In the command post of the Republic of Poland Armed Forces. Poland’s Minister of War, Jozef BECK, and the Marshal of the Polish Military chief Marshal Edward SMYGŁY-RYDZ, General Szymon NOWACKI of the Armored Force,, are at the center of a gaggle of staff officers, poring over a wall full of maps showing a dire situation.

SMYGŁY-RYDZ: The Germans have cut off Gdańsk, have broken through west of Krakow, and are threatening to cut off the Poznan Army.

GENERAL NOWACKI: Marshal, we’ve got the Seventh Armored Brigade in reserve. They could hit the breakthrough from the flank.

SMYGŁY-RYDZ: We’ll need the Sixth Corps to support them on the left.

STAFF COLONEL: They’re in OK position for that.

Corporal Filip PRZYBYL, the headquarters Administrative assistant, enters the command post and salutes.

PRZYBYL: Marshal, the MInister of Social Justice has arrived .

(The officers groan)

SMYGŁY-RYDZ: Show him in.

(Social Justice Minister Evgeny LYBRZELSZ enters the room and doffs his French-style top hat)

LYBRZELSZ: Marshal Smygły-Rydz? I’m told you’re planning a counterattack against the Germans.

SMYGŁY-RYDZ: Well..yeah, The Niemcy attack threatens Poland’s very existence.

NOWACkI: If they break past Poznan, there is no obstacle between them and Warsaw.

LYBRZELSZ: We can’t launch the attack.

SMYGŁY-RYDZ: (Stops short, dumbfounded) What now?

LYBRZELSZ: There is no humanitarian corridor for German civilians.

(As an air raid siren goes off in the background, the officers stand, agog).

NOWACKI: What on earth are you talking about?

LYBRZELSZ: Attacking the Germans when there’s no allowances for humanitarian aid to German civilians is immoral.

SMYGŁY-RYDZ: This is a literal threat to our existence, by a nation that’s completely mobilized for war.

LYBRZELSZ: So you are committing genocide against Germans.

Entire room falls silent. The sound of bombs in the distance swells.

SMYGŁY-RYDZ: So, see to the destruction of Poland, then

LYBRZELSZ: What are you, a bigot?

And SCENE

Purity Test

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SCENE: Mitch BERG is cleaning out his garden boxes. Busy hauling stalks to the truck, he doesn’t notice Avery LIBRELLE, patrolling the alley, looking for over-filled recycling bins to report to the city.

LIBRELLE: Merg!

BERG: Hey, Avery…

LIBRELLE: Shut up. The GOP’s new Speaker of the House is anti-science. I have proof!

BERG: Huh. So since the Speaker’s job has nothing to do with developing theories, formulating hypotheses, designing and conducting experiments and documenting results, much less trying to figure out how the universe “really” formed, what difference does it make?

LIBRELLE: Who wants our leaders to believe fairy tales?

BERG: Let’s ignore for a moment that theology, like mathematics, logic, physics, even history, are different ways of analyzing different evidence about the universe. Let’s say that you have a brain tumor, and you need brain surgery, or you’re going to die, but quick. So you go to the world’s leading brain surgeon – the one person who can save your life. So far so good?

LIBRELLE: OK…?

BERG: That person has got to be a person of impeccable scientific credentials, right?

LIBRELLE: Of course.

BERG: So you meet that surgeon, and he explains his record – overwhelmingly successful – and his technique, his reasoning, and his plan. And everything sounds right. So far, so good?

LIBRELLE: Right…?

BERG: Then he tells you he believes the universe is 6,000 years old and was created in six days by an imnipotent God.

LIBRELLE: Oh, I’d cancel the surgery instantly!

BERG: Why?

LIBRELLE: He clearly doesn’t believe in science! But why are you wasting time with a hypothetical example?

BERG: Nothing hypothetical about it.

LIBRELLE: When I know more about science than the world’s leading brain surgeon…

BERG: Your degree was in what?

LIBRELLE: Grievance studies with a minor in Sociology!

BERG: Right. Hey, look (points down the alley) I think the Gruenbergs mixed green glass in their clear glass…

LIBRELLE: (Looks down the alley. BERG makes his escape. LIBRELLE doesn’t notice, heading down the alley and getting his…er, her…er, a smart phone camera ready to go…).

And SCENE.

One Day At The MNDFL Communications Office

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SCENE: In a drab back room at MNDFL headquarters on Plato Boulevard, two DFL communications staffers, Evan BRYANT (Macalester 2021) and Moonbeam BIRKENSTOCK (St. Thomas 2018) are pecking away at their iPhones, poring over their social media plan for the week.

BIRKENSTOCK: Chairman Martin says people are starting to get tired of crime?

BRYANT: Where?

BIRKENSTOCK: Oh, rednecks in Fridley and Bemidji, mostly.

BRYANT: Yuck.

BIRKENSTOCK. I know, right? But their votes still count…

BRYANT: For now

BIRKENSTOCK: LOL, right? Anyway, we need to put out something that shows the administration and the Attorney General are engaged on crime.

BRYANT: Let’s do this:

BIRKENSTOCK: Oh, that’s good.

BRYANT: But someone just left a comment.

BIRKENSTOCK: (Reading a reply on Twitter). “So how about rampant violent and property crime, and half a billion in fraud committed by DFL constituents and contributors?”

BRYANT: Hmmm – tough one.

BIRKENSTOCK: I got it. Tweet out this photo of Lt. Governor Flanagan feeding Ellison and Governor Walz corn dogs at the State Fair!

BRYANT: I’ll caption it “#OneMinnesota”.

BIRKENSTOCK: Brilliant.

BRYANT: And on message!

And SCENE

One Day In A Major Newsroom

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SCENE: A group of reporters and an editor are sitting around a conference table.

EDITOR: OK. We need a story. Something to break us out of the summer doldrums.

REPORTER 1: We spent such a long time reporting on abuse of children in the Catholic Church…

REPORTER 2: I know, right? It’d be great to find another story like that.

REPORTER 3: Wonder if there’s another story out there like that…?

EDITOR: I have no idea.

REPORTER 4: Hey, look at this:

EDITOR: Did I stutter? I said – I have no idea.

And SCENE

One Day In The Theme Park

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SCENE: Mitch BERG is standing in line at a Mexican fast-food joint when Evan Micah BRYAN walks into the store. BRYAN is 23, a 2022 graduate of Macalester with a degree in Political Science, is the Senior Communications Director for the Senate DFL Caucus.

BRYAN: MeRG.

BERG: Uh, hey…

BRYAN: ZOMGConServaTiveZ aRe tEh HiCks aND ruBEz wHo aRe aFRAID of tEH ciTIes.

BERG: As a conservative who lives in the Midway, I refute you.

BRYAN: HeEre iS TeH PrOOf ZOMG!

BERG: Its a photomeme.

BRYAN: OuR pHiLoSOphY in tEh DFL CoMMUnICatION oFFiCe iS iF wE du iT inna MeMe, iT’s ReALi-T!

BERG: Which is why your entire communications strategery is to show DFL politicians in an endless stream of selfies, and lots of end-zone ball-spiking, with no substance whatsoever?

BRYAN: No cOMMeNT.

BERG: Right. So – back to the costume. Let me guess – you are, as a DFL employee, a middle class white guy…

BRYAN: tHAT’s hOw I iDenTiFY.

BERG: …who lives in a neighborhood like Marcy-Holmes or Longfellow or Merriam Park

BRYAN: RiGHt. TEH cOOl pLaCes.

BERG: which is clogged with other young-ish single non-profit-industrial complex employees with plenty of money…

BRYAN: sURe.

BERG: You take the Green Line to a concert once or twice a year…

BRYAN: HoW ELsE woUld I fINd SaINT PaUl?

BERG: Sort of a “Fifteen Minute City”, where everything you do – your coffee shop, your grocery mart, your restaurants, your coffee shop, your bars, your restaurants, your transit stop, your coffee shop, your restaurants, your coffee shops, are all within a fifteen minute walk.

BRYAN: TeH wAY tEH wHOLe worLd sHouLD bE!

BERG: Where all the workers take the bus or drive hoopties in from Richfield or New Hope or Vadnais Heights.

BRYAN: yEp…ER, wUt?

BERG: Your “fifteen minute city” is actually an “Urban Life” theme park. But, sure, by all means, progsplain me about city life, junior.

BRYAN: HeY, loOk! MaTt RoZnOwSki iS slAshinG yOuR TirEz ZOMG!

BERG: Of course he is.

And SCENE

Every Single Conversation

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Mitch BERG is on the air in the bunker at AM1280. He’s interviewing Aaron ROSTON, writer at the (possibly fictional) progressive blog “MinnesotaLiberalAlliance.Blogspot.com“.   He is a crossing guard at a school in rural southern Minnesota, and is a bullying activist – mostly focusing on promoting bullying of children of conservatives. ROSTON is talkng into microphone 3, lookng over the console at BERG.

BERG:  So you’re pro-choice? 

ROSTON:  Of course.  Abortion is a human right, 

BERG:  Let’;s define “human”.

ROSTON: That’s kind of absurd.

BERG:  Possible. Let’s see. So I have a question for you. When your mother was pregnant with and delivering you, at what point was it no longer acceptable for her to “terminate” you? Please be specific.

ROSTON:  Well, that was her choice.

BERG:  Right, Understood. So at what point in the pregnancy was it no longer her choice .

ROSTON:  Whenever she said.

BERG:  So could she terminate you now/

ROSTON:  Of course not. That’s absurd.

BERG:  Why?

ROSTON: Because I’m a human.

BERG:  Sure. So when did you become a human?

ROSTON:  When I was born.

BERG:  So two minutes after you were born, you were a human?

ROSTON:  Yes.

BERG:  And thirty seconds before you were born, when you were the exact same person you were ninety seconds later, but not quite out of your mother yet – was your life worth defending?

ROSTON:  That was up to my mother.

BERG:  So the only thing that changed about the moral value of your life in that ninety seconds was you emerging from your mother? It was entirely your mother’s call?

ROSTON: Sure.

BERG:  So could she still “terminate” you?

ROSTON:  Don’t be absurd!

BERG:  Why can’t she?

ROSTON:  You can’t murder a human.

BERG:  So thirty seconds before you were born, you weren’t human?

ROSTON:  Nope.

BERG:  And a minute later you were.

ROSTON: Yes.

BERG:  With the only difference being your mother’s choice?

ROSTON:  Yes.

BERG:  And no other reason she couldn’t terminate you today.

ROSTON:  You’re clearly a racist.

BERG:  Clearly.

(AND SCENE)

Every Year

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ME: “Have a great Fourth of July!“

THEM: “Ahem. It’s IndePENdence Day“.

ME: “Oh, excuse me for not only using a term that literally everyone in America, and probably western civilization, understands, but that until maybe 10 years ago I never, ever heard a single person “Ahem”-ing anyone else about. I hope you live in a city without a fireworks display. ”

And SCENE

Off Script

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SCENE: One morning at MNDFL Headquarters. An array of progressive Minnesota luminaries are gathered around a table. At the head sits Lieutenant Governor Peggy FLANAGAN. To her right, Ken MARTIN, chair of the DFL. The other seats are occupied by Javier MORILLO of the SEIU, Denise SPECHT of Education MInnesota, Alida MESSINGER of Alliance for a Better MInnesota, and the senior staff of Minnesotans United for All Progressive Causes, the non-profit/money-laundering operation that works with the party.

FLANAGAN: Murphy!

(Esme MURPHY enters the room): Yes, Maam?

FLANAGAN: Gimme a g*****mn Manhattan.

MURPHY: Yes, ma’am. (Murphy exits.)

FLANAGAN: OK, Ken, where’s the governor?

MARTIN (Yelling): Governor Walz?

WALZ (Enters from a closet next to the exit door). Hraaaa hraaa hraaaas hreaa One Minnesota hraaaaa hra hra hraaaaaa Best State (holds out an iPhone, takes a selfie) hraaaa hraaaa hra hra donut hraaaaaa hraaaaa…

FLANAGAN: Got it! Enough! (WALZ goes back into the closet).

FLANAGAN: We need an example of a place in the real world that is dominated by Democrats and exemplifies love and equity.

Inge “Lucky” CARROLL, a former guidance counselor at a school for monomaniacs, Inge is Head Meme-Buffer at “Minnesotans United for All Liberal Causes, raises her hand.

FLANAGAN: What?

CARROLL: Let’s have them look at Hamtramck, Michigan. It’s solid Democrat country – their Democrat congresswoman won by a sixty point margin. And the city is majority Muslim and is run by an elected Muslim city council, and they just voted…

(CARROLL squints at a site on her phone) uhhhhhhh…

On Tuesday, Hamtramck, Michigan’s city council, unanimously voted to banPride flags from being displayed on public property. Located just outside Detroit, Hamtramck is the only Muslim-majority town in the United States.

The ruling was celebrated with cheers and applause inside City Hall, where dozens of concerned residents, Muslim and Christian, had shown up to express their thoughts on the matter.

According to the Detroit Free Press, the resolution was introduced by Councilman and Mayor Pro Tem Mohammed Hassan, and applies not only to Pride flags, but also those promoting any “religious, ethnic, racial, political, or sexual orientation group.”

“Only, the American flag, and the nations’ flags that represent the international character of our City shall be flown,” Hassan stated, adding that it was imperative to “maintain and confirm the neutrality of the city of Hamtramck towards its residents.”

FLANAGAN: (Sits, dumbfounded)

(The closet door opens. Governor WALZ steps out, and wanders around the room like a Roomba)

WALZ: Hraa hra hraaa hra hraaaaa hraaaaa hra BestState hra hraaaa hra Fully Funded hra hra hraaaaaa hra hra hraaa hra…

And SCENE