SCENE: It’s 6AM, at Twin Cities International. Mitch BERG is leaving an airport bar, after having his ritual shot of whiskey before getting on a plane for a business trip. As he turns to walk down the concourse, he almost literally runs into Aaron ROSTON, A writer at the (possibly fictional) progressive blog “MinnesotaLiberalAlliance.Blogspot.com“. ROSTON is a crossing guard at a school in rural southern Minnesota, and is a bullying activist – mostly focusing on promoting bullying of children of conservatives. He is wearing a t-shirt that says GAY on the front.
ROSTON: Merg.
BERG: Hey, Aaron. On your way to Florida, I see?
ROSTON: Not bad, for a stupid person. How could you tell?
BERG: Just a hunch.
ROSTON: You’re an idiot, so you should know Governor DeSantis’s bill makes it illegal to say “gay” in Florida. I’m going there to practice civil disobedience and also spend my stimmy checks.
BERG: Civil disobedience?
ROSTON: I’m gonna say gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay…
BERG: Huh. Courageous. Of course you are, and you do realize that the Florida law doesn’t make talking about homosexuality illegal. It just bars teachers from doing spontaneous sex ed classes with kids under the age of 8.
ROSTON: You’re too stupid to be an educator, so I’ll explain this to you. What if I have a kid who has two mommies, or two daddies, and is confused about the situation? What am I supposed to do?
BERG: If a kid has same-sex parents who haven’t explained the situation to the kids, that’s both weird and – here’s a radical notion – their business, not yours.
ROSTON: So you’re a mouth-breathing gay hater. What if I wanted to tell my children…
BERG: They aren’t “your children”. You’re a public employee – a crossing guard, as it happens, but I hear teachers who say the same thing – who is part of a system we, the public, pay to teach our kids how to read, write, do math, think critically, and other skills. So – you were saying?
ROSTON: What if I wanted to tell (makes scare quotes) my students that my partner and I were going axe-throwing over the weekend?
BERG: Then you tell them you’re going axe-throwing. Big whoop.
ROSTON: You moron. And what if I then wanted to tell them that after axe-throwing, we were going to go back to my place and __________ his __________ in the ___________ until ___________ with a…
BERG: (Interrrupting): Well, if it were my five-through-eight-year old, I’d be calling the police and teaching you a lesson about boundaries.
ROSTON: So you hate gays.
BERG: Hey, look – over there! A kid in a wheelchair with a MAGA hat.
ROSTON: WHEREWHEREWHEREWHERE! I wanna make him cry…
(sees nothing)
ROSTON: (Looks around frantically) Where? Merg?
(But BERG has disappeared)
And SCENE