To: The Powers That Be
From: Mitch Berg, Uppity Peasant
Re: The Future Of Our Civilization
Dear Powers,
Since I, myself, don’t much care if they legalize marijuana – and believe it would actually solve some social problems, beyond its medicinal purposes – the idea of a pot vending machine doesn’t especially faze me.
However, any marijuana legalization, to succeed, must include a provision allowing anyone using the term “Budtender” to refer to Chiba be killed with flaming grease.
That is all.
Some of us are old enough to remember when bars had cigarette machines but nobody used them unless you were truly desperate because a pack of Marlboro Reds cost SEVENTY-FIVE CENTS. That’s the price of THREE quarter taps, which is plain outrageous.
Ah, the good ole days when us good ole boys in rural Stearns County drank beer and smoked cigarettes and looked for fags to beat up, except there weren’t any, so we looked for Negros to lynch, except there weren’t any of them, either, so we . . . pretty much left each other alone. Not like nowadays, when there are plenty of Bossy people to tell us how to live, who to hate and what not to eat, drink or smoke.
I want a Bossy person to tell me who to hate, Joe. There’s something missing in my life and I think a good case of rage just might cure what ails me. I can only kick my dog so much….