Top Ten Features Of The People’s Vikings
By Mitch Berg
There is no issue facing this state for which Representative Phyllis Kahn (DFL, Berkeley-via-Minneapolis) can’t come up with a tortuous government intervention.
The Vikings stadium? Natch; she wants to the state to sell shares, Packers-style, to give the state and “the people” a 70% share in the team:
The community ownership idea has been floated before but Rep. Phyllis Kahn, DFL-Minneapolis, said Monday she would introduce legislation to require Gov. Mark Dayton and the Metropolitan Sports Facilities Commission to work with the National Football League to make it happen. The commission owns the downtown Minneapolis Metrodome, the team’s home for nearly 30 years.
“Dayton asked for all ideas to be put on the table and that’s exactly what I’m doing here,” said Kahn. “No single idea [for funding a new stadium] has gained enough traction to pass the Legislature.”
But remember – this isn’t a 1920’s-era Wisconsin businessman proposing the idea. It’s Phyllis Kahn, a woman for whom I’d make a joking comparison to some off-the-charts lefty whackdoodle, except that I can’t really think of anyone in Minnesota that’s farther out than her, so it just doesn’t work.
And, given that, we have to ask “what would a publicly-owned Minnesota Vikings look like under a plan involving Phyllis Kahn?
10. The Vikings would be at the Legislature begging for Local Government Aid every odd-numbered year.
9. The team would be required to participate in affirmative action to ensure they signed enough minorities.
8. The team name would need to be changed to something more reflective of Minnesota’s changing ethnography. Something less violent. In tune with the changing times. Perhaps “The Minnesota Womyn”.
7. The team’s training camp would need to provide vegan options in the cafeteria.
6. The actual footballs would have to be made with no animal products.
5. NFL Players Association: Out. SEIU: In. (Bonus: No need to change uniform colors).
4. The team would have to open roster spots for women, the handicapped, transgendered and non-athletic.
3. Rather than referees, each game would be decided by the crowd reaching a 90% consensus on all alleged rules violations, followed by a restorative justice process.
2. The team would be required to travel to the games via mass transit or bicycle
1. Blocking and tackling would need to be done verbally (including well-defined “safe words”) rather than via violence.
Others?
November 8th, 2011 at 12:23 pm
The Vikings would be required to recycle quarterbacks. Oh, wait…
November 8th, 2011 at 12:50 pm
Ahhh, Phyllis Kahn. We last heard from her when she proposed legalizing pot so Minnesota farmers could make money grown said plant.
Hey Phyllis, you never did come clean on how you got that house on Nicolet Island.
November 8th, 2011 at 12:51 pm
Whenever the Vikings failed to make a first down, Draw the Line Minnesota would alter the length of the yard marker chain to ensure that a first down is achieved.
November 8th, 2011 at 1:55 pm
All ticket prices would be indexed to a percentage of the national poverty line. Luxury boxes would be distributed by lottery.
November 8th, 2011 at 1:58 pm
And don’t forget that free food could no longer be served in the high priced luxuary boxes because those in the relatively cheap seats don’t get free food.
November 8th, 2011 at 1:59 pm
Mark Ritchie would be in charge of measuring first downs.
November 8th, 2011 at 2:14 pm
And the media gets to decide who’s winning.
November 8th, 2011 at 3:35 pm
Forget Phyllis – I’ve always thought the notion of buying shares in a professional sports team would be a great idea. I’d do it. Why not look it as an investment? Jeez, paying for stadiums would be done by investors and creditors who now have skin in the game, people willing to put their (own) money where their mouth is, people who think they actually might get something back – regardless of whether they like football. Shoot, if push came to shove, they could make ’em non-voting, Class B shares (which is essentially what the Packer’s shares are). Of course, they’d be less attractive, but still.
Of course, the Vikes aren’t really a corporation nor does the NFL allow this form of onwership – at present. If the legislature wants to throw its weight around and push the NFL to allow corporations as franchisees, this would be a great time to do so.
November 8th, 2011 at 4:03 pm
“If the legislature wants to throw its weight around and push the NFL to allow corporations as franchisees, this would be a great time to do so.”
It’d be the LA Vikings in the blink of an eye if they tried.
November 8th, 2011 at 4:25 pm
I think you’re probably correct Scott, but it is worth remembering that MN courts are known “homers” and might cause an interesting turn of events.
That said, if the time frame to what seems to be a foregone conclusion went to a blink of an eye from this interminable pointless death spiral, I’d be much happier.
November 8th, 2011 at 9:57 pm
The NFL should build its own stadiums.
November 9th, 2011 at 8:56 am
MADD would have the liquid refreshment concession. Got milk?
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December 13th, 2011 at 1:17 pm
[…] for a little humor on the subject, see the post “Top Ten Features Of The People’s Vikings,” by St. Paul resident Mitch Berg. My favorite? Sorry, Mitch, but it actually comes from one […]