The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
By Mitch Berg
I’m not one of those people who gets all depressed and weird about Christmas. In fact, I make a pretty, um, religious point of keeping me and the kids focused on what the season is about; its religious roots, the fun of being together with one’s family, just plain being happy. With kudos to Dennis Prager, it’s actually something I got from an old Hungarian saying – “the best way to become wealthy is to appear that you already are” – probably a decade or two before I ever heard Dennis Prager.
In all, Christmas is close to the perfect season. I love it.
But…
…there are a few Chrsitmas songs that simplly have to go.
Don’t get me wrong; I can’t think of a single traditional Christmas song that I don’t like. No, it’s the pop-oriented Christmas songs of the last fifty years that truly sap that holiday cheer from my soul.
The worst offenders:
- Jingle Bell Rock: Every version. But especially Wayne Newton.
- Sleigh Ride, by some schlock lounge singer of the fifties and sixties. Not sure which one – it’s the one where the singer sings “…our freinds are calling YEEEEE-HOOO!”. That’s a spirit killer right there.
More as I remember them – not that I’ll be trying that hard.
December 1st, 2006 at 7:35 am
“Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” by Peggy Lee (?).
Barf.
Barf barf barf barf barfity barf.
December 1st, 2006 at 8:00 am
I’m pretty sure it was Connie Francis.
At least I hope so. I cut Lee a few breaks; she was born a block from where I grew up.
December 1st, 2006 at 8:25 am
One horror was Michael Jackson singing something (maybe it was Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree)…oh Lord it was bad. The worst, though, is some jazzed-up rendition (by a woman) singing “Jingle Bells”. At some point she maniacly sings “Jinglebelljinglebelljinglebell….” all run together. I used to sit across from my brother at work. They only play music in our office during the Christmas season and usually we appreciate it…well, this hellish song came on and we looked across to each other at the same time, “What the hell?!!”
Songs/albums I heartily recommend are:
The Huron Carole sung by Canadian Tom Jackson
Christ Child Lullaby (Taladh Chriosda) sung by Kathy Mattea
All of “In the Bleak Midwinter” by Kings College Choir
All of “Paddy Maloney (of the Chieftans) Silent Night-A Christmas in Rome”
December 1st, 2006 at 8:40 am
I was half right – it was Brenda Lee:
http://www.lyricsondemand.com/soundtracks/h/homealonelyrics/rockinaroundthechristmastreelyrics.html
(Caution – annoying “You have won an iPod!!!” popup)
December 1st, 2006 at 9:54 am
Add to the list…
Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer. It was cute and slightly humorous the first time. The last 857 times, just plain annoying.
Wonderful Christmastime, Paul McCartney. I usually enjoy McCartney, but this tune grates like fingenails on a chalkboard.
Feliz Navidad. Bad vocals, annoying melody.
December 1st, 2006 at 10:21 am
“The worst, though, is some jazzed-up rendition (by a woman) singing “Jingle Bells”. At some point she maniacly sings “Jinglebelljinglebelljinglebell….” all run together.”
I know exactly which song you are talking about. I can hear it in my head. But I have no idea who the singer is that bastardized that song.
My favorite Christmas Songs/Hymns are “Still…still…still”, and “Angels We Have Heard on High”. I’ve sung both in choirs in college with some truly amazing arrangements of harmony.
December 1st, 2006 at 10:23 am
“Feliz Navidad. Bad vocals, annoying melody.”
And forever ruined for me by the commercial where he ends with “I wanna wish you a merry Christmas, from the bottom … of my heeeaaaarrrrrt…..and from Taco Johns!”
December 1st, 2006 at 10:49 am
Every time Yoko chimes in with “A very Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year” during “Merry Christmas (War is Over)” I have a nearly uncontrolable urge to ram knitting needles into my ears.
At the opposite end of the spectrum, it doesn’t get any better than Shane and Kirsty duelling it out in “Fairytale of New York”.
December 1st, 2006 at 10:52 am
Oooh – forgot about “Feliz Navidad”. Hate hate hate that record. And that McCartney song isn’t much better.
And I have never been able to stand “Merry Christmas (War Is Over).
December 1st, 2006 at 10:57 am
“Santa Baby”. Any and all versions, whether it’s Eartha Kitt, Lynn Anderson, etc.
December 1st, 2006 at 11:08 am
One minor quibble, Mitch.
The video for Hall and Oates’ version of “Jingle Bell Rock” is far worse than anything Wayne Newton has ever produced.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kyDszjpNVtQ
December 1st, 2006 at 11:13 am
How about:
The 12 Days of Christmas – John Denver and The Muppets
I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause – any version
Christmas Tree Polka – any version
Sleigh Ride – Steve Lawrence & Eydie Gorme
Sleigh Ride – Dolly Parton
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow! – Ed Ames
Rudolph The red Nosed Reindeer – Gene Autry
these all spike my irritation meter
December 1st, 2006 at 1:20 pm
I actually like Madonna’s “Santa Baby”. And “Christmas in Hollis” by Run-DMC.
Hall and Oates’ JBR…it burns us.
December 1st, 2006 at 3:05 pm
The jinglebellsjinglebellsjinglebells song everyone is talking about is by that bastion of Liberalism, Barbara Striesand. I’m one of those unfortunate souls who’s wife has that Christmas album. It still causes fights!
I know I will probably get crushed for this, but you have to add anything and everything done by the Chipmunks. Those high voices are akin to fingernails on chalkboards.
December 1st, 2006 at 6:15 pm
This Clay Aiken song has to be about the worst Christmas song of all. For some reason, Aiken of all people, has to fill Mary in on what’s happening…. Thank goodness Clay Aiken was there to explain everything. Sounds like pure sacrilege to me.
———————–
Mary, did you know?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would one day walk on water?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would save our sons and daughters?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy has come to make you new?
This Child that you delivered will soon deliver you.
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy will give sight to a blind man?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy will calm the storm with His hand?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy has walked where angels trod?
When you kiss your little Baby you kissed the face of God?
Mary did you know.. Ooo Ooo Ooo
The blind will see.
The deaf will hear.
The dead will live again.
The lame will leap.
The dumb will speak
The praises of The Lamb.
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy is Lord of all creation?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy will one day rule the nations?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy is heaven’s perfect Lamb?
The sleeping Child you’re holding is the Great, I Am.
December 1st, 2006 at 7:13 pm
The jinglebelljinglebelljinglebell song everyone is talking about is sung by none other than the Liberal Icon, Barbara Striesand. I know this because I’m one of those poor souls whose wife is a fan and has the Christmas cd.
My submission is anything by the Chipmunks. Ugh.
December 1st, 2006 at 8:55 pm
Holy cow! I never knew there was a video!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vl5hRPu2_eQ
“I could’ve been someone”
“Well so could anyone”
Now that’s what I call Christmas. With Matt Dillon no less.
December 1st, 2006 at 8:57 pm
I liked that “Mary did You Know” song the first ten times, but now I find that it’s smarmy. I first heard it sung by Vince Gill (who is very good) so that helped a lot. But then, every teen girl that sang in church during that particular year it came out had to have a go at it. Consequently, I do not like it either! There is not much worse than teen girls singing even if they’re moderately good. They have a way of pronouncing words that just gets me (like woold for world). Gack.
December 1st, 2006 at 10:12 pm
Just reading over at Lucianne.com about some Brits changing the words to “The Twelve Days of Christmas” so as not to offend the Muslims or make other ethnicities feel excluded (example: two coconuts and a corn chicken in a palm tree. Yeah, brilliant.). Anyway, one poster (slickwillie2001) wrote the following:
Here’s the muslim version final verse:
On the twelfth day of Christmas,
my imam sent to me,
Twelve bomb belts ticking,
Eleven churches burning,
Ten Katyushas launching,
Nine temples smoking,
Eight IEDs a-ticking,
Seven hindus burning,
Six vials of Anthrax,
Five dirty nukes,
Four rocket launchers,
Three French appeasers,
Two fallen towers,
And the decapitated head of a Jew!
December 1st, 2006 at 10:50 pm
Anytime I want to exercise my gag reflex, I listen to “All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth,” no matter who does it. Yuck.
On the flip side, my favorite spin is “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” by the Beegie Adair Trio. Think Vince Guaraldi with more elegance.
December 3rd, 2006 at 6:20 pm
How about some nominations for the store with the worst Christmas music?
For my money, Home Depot should be hard to beat. Last night, within the space of 20 minutes, the PA played a disco version of “Joy to the World” and something by Alvin and the Chipmunks.
Somebody call OSHA!