SCENE: At the DFL headquarters, on Plato Boulevard in Saint Paul. Chairman Ken MARTIN is sitting in his office.
(Carrie LUCKING of the Alliance for a Better Minnesota walks in. MARTIN springs to attention, salutes).
LUCKING: As you were. (MARTIN sits as LUCKING settles into an overstuffed leather recliner)
LUCKING: So what’s going on?
MARTIN: Well, we’re hitting the GOP over their War on Womym, we’re telling Minnesotans that taxing the 1% will make them taller and smarter, and…
LUCKING: That’s not what I mean, and you know it.
MARTIN: Beg pardon?
LUCKING: Beavis is at it again.
MARTIN: Beavis? You mean Represntative Winkler?
LUCKING: Yes. His tweet yesterday embarassed the party. Summon Bakk and Thissen.
MARTIN: Summon Bakk and Thissen!
(Tom BAKK and Paul THISSEN enter the room. They stand attention and salute LUCKING, who returns the salute. They remain standing).
(BAKK smirks at THISSEN with a look of badly-concealed contempt).
THISSEN: I don’t know, your highness.
LUCKING: Doesn’t he know he must clear all utterances with me before making them?
THISSEN: Yes, your highness. Normally calling black conservatives racist names is perfectly acceptable.
LUCKING: Right. But not this time. How about the media?
BAKK: Only Rupar has written about it so far.
LUCKING: Who gave him permission?
THISSEN: Nobody that I know of. But it’s mostly been damage control so far, so it should be OK.
BAKK: And Michelle Malkin and Dana Loesch.
BAKK: The Filipina Pole-Dancer and some chick who probably boffed Grover Norquist to get a job.
(Through the window, we see Ryan WINKLER walking toward the door. He’s singing Justin Timberlake’s “Sexy Back”).
LUCKING: Let’s get his explanation.
(WINKLER walks into room, salutes LUCKING – who doesn’t return salute. He awkwardly releases salute…)
WINKLER: Your highness?
LUCKING: Explain yourself. You tweeted this yesterday:
WINKLER: Well, in my defense, I didn’t know “Uncle Tom” was racist.
BAKK: What? It’s up there with the “N”-bomb! A white guy using a term to refer to a black guy as a cringing, servile piece of chattel?
WINKLER: Well, there’s some debate about that.
BAKK: Not in like 150 years.
WINKLER: Well, my bad. And since when is it bad to bag on oreos who vote Republican?
LUCKING: That’s immaterial. What the hell else have you been writing? (Takes out pearl-encrusted iPhone, starts flipping through WINKLER’s twitter account) Oh, what the hell…:
And if Virginia wants a battle flag back from their war to defend slavery, they can march to Minnesota and take it.
— Ryan Winkler (@RepRyanWinkler) June 25, 2013
LUCKING: The Civil War’s been over for nearly fifty years.
THISSEN: At least! And the ACLU won!
LUCKING: Look – give me your Blackberry. I need to see what else you’ve got in your Drafts. (WINKLER hands over phone).
LUCKING (Flips through phone): Wait – calling Representative Hillstrom “Screechy McMenstrual?”
WINKLER: Is that bad?
WINKLER: But she was derailing Representative Martens’ gun bill!
LUCKING: Thanks be to Alida that never went out.
THISSEN (quietly): Still, you save that sort of thing for Republican lawmakers. Like Tara Mack or Mary Franson.
WINKLER: Ah. Point taken.
LUCKING: Didn’t you learn anything at Harvard Law School? I mean, the school that great minds like Laurence Tribe and Alan Dershowitz teach at?
WINKLER: Dershowitz? Ah! Good ol’ Schlomo the Money-Grubbing Skinflint!
(LUCKING, BAKK and THISSEN glare at WINKLER)
WINKLER: What? Wait – that, too? You gotta be kidding…