To: Students of Harvard Law School
From: Mitch Berg, Angry Dean
Re: Test Schedules
Dear Most Annoying Students in the World,
Starting at 8AM Monday morning, please line up in the front hall of the administration building in alphabetical order. You will all be issued refund checks. Because clearly we at HarvLaw have failed you as an institution.
The evidence – you all know that term, right? – is right here:
Those Harvard students have produced an open letter, in which they demand that their examinations be delayed. “Like many across the country,” its authors claim, students “are traumatized” and “visibly distressed” — to the extent that there is now a “palpable anguish looming over campus.”
I hope I’m long dead before I have people from big law firms writing me, chocking back their outrage at his institution for turning out such a vacuous pack of hamsters and calling them not only “lawyers”, but “Harvard Law School Grads”.
The “national crisis” that has been provoked by the cases of Garner and Brown, they argue, has left them with no choice but to “stand for justice rather than sit and prepare for exams.” And, like their brethren at Columbia, they contend that their “being asked to prepare for and take our exams in this moment” amounts to their “being asked to perform incredible acts of disassociation” — requests, which taken together, have led them “to question our place in this school community and the legal community at large.”
I can’t wait to see you vacuous children of boundless class privilege try that on a client in the real world; claim the violence inherent in the system makes it impossible for you to come into the office and work on your cases. But at least you won’t “question your place in the legal community at large”, because by that point you’ll be transferring to the “fast food community”.
The bottom line? That students must be given “the opportunity to reschedule their exams in good faith and at their own discretion.”
And in good faith, I, your dean, will allow you and your faith and discretion to move your exams to any time another law school will let you, provided you get admitted.
Pick up your checks. You haven’t failed. I have.
That is all.