"Oops. Gotta go dearie. I crapped myself."
Just what we need…
To reach the older market, wireless carriers are offering lessons in how to text, introducing phones with oversized buttons and fine-tuning their marketing strategies.
…octogenarians texting behind the wheel…how much slower could they go in the left lane with their turn signal on for the last ten miles?
A few months ago, I attended a get-together with a few candidates.
Now, the upside of a huge surge year like this is that you get a lot of people who are taking their first run at politics, and miiiiight need a little polish to their presentation skills.
But I can feel good that not a single Republican candidate I met came across quite like this.
No, I’m feeling pretty good now.
James O’Keefe is officially yesterday’s favorite conservative pseudo-pundit, after cooking up a stunt too stupid even for Michael Moore.
Vanity starts with an ‘M’ in Alaska’s senate contest.
Like a horror movie villain, the candidacy of Sen. Lisa Murkowski keeps returning from the dead. Despite losing on election night, losing the absentee ballot fracus, and even conceding the GOP primary, Murkowski’s political ego has shown staying power the envy of Jason Voorhees. Even the failure of Murkowski’s latest attempt to woo Alaska’s Libertarian Party apparently hasn’t dampered her efforts to return to D.C. short of buying her own ticket. Instead, Murkowski’s newest bid is to prove the pen is mighter than the ballot with a longshot write-in candidacy:
Alaska Sen. Lisa Murkowski is expected to mount an independent campaign for senator after losing her primary, much to the dismay of her Republican colleagues, who won’t back her, according to a senior GOP leadership aide.
“The entire Republican leadership has endorsed and would continue to support Joe Miller,” a the aide told Fox News on Wednesday…
A National Republican Senatorial Committee official made it clear that more money would be on the way to Miller, and suggested that Murkowski might be going through “the seven stages of grief.”
“You know, first they concede … then there are the rumors of a write-in candidacy … then you get the acknowledgment that they’re done,” the official said.
If Murkowski does go through with a write-in effort, than she truly is “done”; which may suggest that she’s not Freddy Krueger, she’s Bruce Willis in the “Sixth Sense.”
Murkowski doesn’t appear to be gaining any options as the window for her to make a decision narrows. The Libertarian option isn’t offically closed as long as endorsee Brian Haase continues to entain the notion of removing himself from the ballot. But the LP’s executive committee has already voted against nominating Murkowski short of Haase presenting them with a fait accompli with his withdrawal. And given some of the statements by the LP’s committee, even that scenario might not produce a Libertarian-endorsed Lisa Murkowski.
Only Strom Thurmond has ever won a general election write-in candidacy for the U.S. Senate. Thurmond’s 1954 candidacy was far stranger than Alaska’s current senate tift. The death of the Democratic incumbent, the Democrat Party’s decision to not hold a primary election, and former Governor Thurmond’s backing by the major players in the party were the only reasons why the endless South Carolina Senator prevailed. Considering only one candidate was on the ballot – St. Sen. Edgar A. Brown for you political junkies out there – Thurmond’s candidacy was unique in the extreme. Nothing approaching it awaits Murkowski on the frozen electoral tundra.
No pollster has yet demonstrated the effect of a Murkowski write-in campaign in Joe Miller and Scott McAdams minor league showdown. While others polls show Murkowski with a narrow lead over Joe Miller (and Scott McAdams trailing badly), all were done with the assumption that Murkowski would actually be on the ballot. A Murkowski coalition of moderate Republicans, independents and assorted anti-Palin voters could have propelled her to victory in a three-way race.
But a strategy that relies on such deep candidate committment to write-in her name – regardless of the hundreds of thousands of dollars Murkowski still has available to encourage voters to do so – is bound to attract only the hardest of hardcore Murkowski supporters. It’s also one of the few strategies that could provide a victory to Democrat Scott McAdams. While Murkowski’s holdouts certainly won’t be the 50% of the Republican electorate that voted for her on primary day, any votes for her will almost certainly be coming out of Miller’s side. Couple that with even one poll showing Murkowski pulling low double-digit write-in support and the DNC might change it’s mind about bypassing the 49th State.
Murkowski could still be a viable force in Alaska politics – possibly even challenging first-term Senator Mark Begich in another four years. But the longer Murkowski openly flirts with continuing a candidacy out of a cocktail of ego and spite, the less likely she’ll successfully seek office again. Much like Charlie Crist, Murkowski’s unwillingness to suffer a present political setback has endangered (or in Crist’s case, likely ruined) her political past and future.
Since the DFL and media (pardon the redundancy) are in full promotion mode trying to keep the “Independence” Ventura Party going long enough to try to try to spoil the Emmer campaign, it’s time to remember the madness that Ventura brings to Minnesota
On King’s show the “Tag-Team” of Jesse Ventura and Oliver Stone staged a vicious “Smack-Down” against Florida Republican Congressman Connie Mack, who serves as Ranking Member of the House Subcommittee on the Western Hemisphere. (But what does he know about this stuff?)
He’s become a big supporter of Hugo Chavez (on top of being a 9/11 truther):
Having been honored to see a private screening of Stone’s new film [about tropical socialism], the self-styled “libertarian”, Ventura, declared on camera that Stone’s U.S.–bashing Infomercial for Tropical Stalinism “should be mandatory viewing for every U.S. high school senior.” (That’s “mandatory,” remember.)
When a smirking Congressman Mack heard this proposed mandate for the U.S. school curriculum, he pulled a “Jacknife Flip” on his “libertarian” opponent by pointedly asking Ventura how he could suggest enforcing such a thing. Ventura’s stint in the World Wrestling Federation (as both performer and announcer) sprang to the rescue in the reply: he manufactured an impromptu tantrum. For full effect, Ventura’s performance featured hurtful frowns followed by blood-curdling snarls. Congressman Mack, you see, had not addressed Ventura as “Governor,” and so ignited his ire. Needless to add, Governor Ventura never answered the question, as Congressman Mack stood patiently waiting–and smirking.
Maybe he’ll stay in Venezuela.
Bill Maher wants Obama to be a “Real Black” President:
Bill Maher: “I thought when we elected a black president, we were going to get a black president. You know, this [BP oil spill] is where I want a real black president. I want him in a meeting with the BP CEOs, you know, where he lifts up his shirt so you can see the gun in his pants. That’s — (in black man voice) ‘we’ve got a motherfu**ing problem here?’ Shoot somebody in the foot.”
Shall we chalk this up to racism?
Or maybe he was just falling-over drunk, like a “real Irish” comic?
Because they claim they want to bag any reconstruction at Fort Snelling.
Oh, yeah – there’s going to be a leftist romp and play fest at Fort Snelling tomorrow, as the usual plethora of lefty shrieking groups protest dog’s breakfast of issues, from the money spent on restoring the ageing Fort to the Arizona Illegal Immigration law.
Just remember, the next time some lefty gets the victorian vapours about Tea Party rhetoric, to ask your lefty friends what they think of this:
I’m trying to think of the whinging that would ensue if any Tea Partier showed an armed party storming, say, the Department of Health and Human Services.
And I’m pondering the irony of lefties and pro-illegal-immigration ninnies protesting in league with the Dakota, who would know the dangers of allowing illegal immigration more than most.
I shoot because shooting is fun; it’s the best stress relief one can get alone; it’s the best way there is to ensure ones’ safety from violent crime.
But why am I a Second Amendment activist? The honest truth – it’s exactly, precisely because of displays like this (safe for work, albeit crude and deeply stupid); it’s Chicago Mayor Richard Daley, who was asked whether his city, ravaged by gang gun violence, is benefitting from having the strictest gun controls in the US:
Is Chicago’s idiotic (and possibly soon-to-be-unconstitutional) gun ban effective?
“Oh!” Daley said. “It’s been very effective!”
He grabbed a rifle, held it up, and looked right at me. He was chuckling but there was no smile.
“If I put this up your—ha!—your butt—ha ha!—you’ll find out how effective this is!”
For a moment the room was very, very quiet. I took a good look at the weapon. It had a long bayonet. (Was it seized during the Civil War?)
“If I put a round up your—ha ha!”
I am a second amendment activist because it’s a thumb in the eye of authoritarian scumbags like Richard Daley.
(Via Ed)
Perhaps Woody was just merely testing a plot to the sequel?
Woody Allen has a strange take on the democracy that allowed him to become rich and famous.
The “Scoop” director said it would be a cool idea for President Barack Obama to be dictator for for a few years.
Why?
So he could get things done without all the hassle of opposing views getting in the way.
In an interview published by Spanish language newspaper La Vanguardia (that we translated), Allen says “I am pleased with Obama. I think he’s brilliant. The Republican Party should get out of his way and stop trying to hurt him.”
But wait – there’s more!
The director said “it would be good…if he could be a dictator for a few years because he could do a lot of good things quickly.”
In other news, Allen revealed that he has redubbed Obama’s inaugural address and centered it around a secret egg salad recipe.
President refers to Tea Partiers as “Tea-Baggers”:
Three days after he decried the lack of civility in American politics, President Obama is quoted in a new book about his presidency referring to the Tea Party movement using a derogatory term with sexual connotations.
In Jonathan Alter’s “The Promise: President Obama, Year One,” President Obama is quoted in an interview saying that the unanimous vote of House Republicans vote against the stimulus bills “set the tenor for the whole year … That helped to create the tea-baggers and empowered that whole wing of the Republican Party to where it now controls the agenda for the Republicans.”
Tea Party activists loath the term “tea baggers,” which has emerged in liberal media outlets and elsewhere as a method of mocking the activists and their concerns.
I guess this means calling half of America “bitter gun-clinging Jesus Freaks” wasn’t an out-of-context mis-step?
Question for my liberal readers: Does that fact that I’m writing about this make me racist, seditionary, or merely extremist?
Florida’s political version of Hernán Cortés burns his last ship back to the GOP as he tries to chart an independent path to Washington.
It was barely more than 12 months ago that Florida Governor Charlie Crist found himself basking the media limelight. The politically-saavy governor of a swing state, Crist quickly positioned himself not only as the prohibitive frontrunner for Florida’s open U.S. Senate seat but as a presidential dark horse. That one year later Crist is bolting the GOP while the party’s Senate leadership that had once backed him are now suing to drain his campaign coffers speaks volumes of how fickle political fortunes can be.
Much has been already written of Crist’s numerous campaign missteps and penchent to spend his dwindling political capital faster than a crack addict with a gold card. Whether it was Crist’s ill-advised embrace of Obama and the stimulus (both literally and figuratively), his veto of a Republican-backed education reform bill or his Roger Muddesque inability to state why he was running for Senate, Crist’s once-famous campaign aptitude seemed to disappear into a Brigadoon-like political mist. As NRO‘s Jim Geraghty notes:
You don’t get to be governor of Florida without a halfway decent sense of political judgment, and in fact that’s supposed to be one of Crist’s best qualities: He may not be the boldest or most principled politician, but he’s always been popular and displayed a knack for staying on the right side of Florida voters…
Yet during this election cycle, Crist’s keen judgment disappeared and was replaced with the bumbling instincts of some of our most legendary modern political blunderers…Almost every key decision made by Crist and his campaign since entering the Senate race has backfired.
Less has been written about Crist’s path forward. While a few polls have shown Crist leading within the margin of error in an electoral ménage à trois with Marco Rubio and Kendrick Meeks, the political math remains at a calculus level of difficultly. Crist would need a bare majority of independents plus nearly 1/3rd of all Republicans and Democrats to secure a plurality. Just a political combination isn’t impossible but nevertheless rare among candidates not prone to wearing spandex and feather boas. Nor is Crist aided when 52% of independents claim to be unwilling to vote for him under any circumstances, despite a 60% approval rating among the unaffiliated.
Undoubtably, an independent bid was Charlie Crist’s best chance of being elected to the U.S. Senate in 2010. Unwilling or believing himself to be unable to seek the Republican nomination in 2012 against Sen. Bill Nelson, Crist has bet his once rising star on an all-or-noting Cortés-like strategy. But left unanswered in his decision is how Crist believes he’ll be welcomed in Washington should he win.
Should Republicans win the Senate seats they lead in current polling, the GOP would pick up 8 seats this November. With California and Washington creeping into contention as well, one seat could easily tip the balance of power come January 2011. Such narrow margins will bring tremendous political advantage to any independent Senate candidate. Indeed, should the GOP come up one seat short, expect massive political pressure to be applied to Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-CT) to switch caucus allegiances. Unable to afford a credible candidate to his right in what will likely be an incredibly bitter general election against a well-funded Democratic opponent, Lieberman might be tempted to caucus with the GOP even if his party affiliation remains unchanged.
Crist has little such luxury. While if victorious he’ll be courted by both left and right given 2010′s likely outcome, neither is likely to embrace him come 2016. And should control of the Senate shift sharply away from a narrow divide, Crist almost certainly would be discarded, his political leverage gone. Thus it would appear that Charlie Crist has gambled his entire political career on trying to acheive a single – and perhaps very lonely – term as Florida’s senator.
The story itself is dog bites man:
Three men who showed up in full Nazi regalia to a hardcore punk show at an Old City bar Friday night were attacked by as many as 50 people on the streets after leaving the venue, according to witnesses and club management…
…
“I guess being on 2nd Street in SS uniforms on a Friday night is a way to incite a semi-riot,” [the club owner] said.
But the headline was worth it…:
Concertgoers show the Reich stuff, are beaten by crowd
…as was the lede…:
How did they Nazi this coming?
I mean, I got a yuk over it.
Drunk driver Mpls. slams into a lightpole outside a Minneapolis police precinct:
The perilous scene took place just outside the department’s Fifth Precinct headquarters at Nicollet Avenue S. and W. 31st Street. A driver slammed into the light pole outside the precinct office at 3:45 a.m.
A second driver – perhaps gawking, perhaps too stewed to know better – happens on the scene:
Sgt. Dudgeon and another officer left their office to investigate the crash, but as Dudgeon circled around the car to see if it contained any passengers, a second driver veered over and hit her.
Sgt. Dudgeon had minor injuries, but was left in a state of high dud…no. Too easy.
Both drivers are arrested for suspicion of drunk driving, and a grab bag of other charges.
The Twin Cities AFSCME office has not yet issued on a statement on whether the incidents constituted a threat to them.
Ask any parent; teenagers are morons. Even the supposedly-smart valedictorian ones supposedly bound for the Ivy League; indeed, if teenagers don’t get their stupidity out of the way, they wind up as Robert Gibbs.
But I digress; another group of teenage bobbleheads has incited a racial incident in Jersey:
For the second time in less than a month, a New Jersey teenager has been arrested for allegedly making a racist announcement over a store’s public address system.
The latest incident happened over the weekend at the Whole Foods Market on River Road in Edgewater, according to the Bergen Record.
A 14-year-old girl reportedly grabbed the microphone at the store’s courtesy desk and said, “All blacks leave the store.”
Now, let’s be clear; duh. Duuuu-uuuuuu-uuuuuh. If either of my kids did this, I’d kick their asses, and never stop kicking.
Which would, indeed, be a better idea than what actually did happen:
A store employee immediately called the police, according to the Record, and the girl and a 14-year-old boy who was with her were taken into custody moments later.
The girl is reportedly charged with bias intimidation and harassment.
“Intimidation”? An idiot 14 year old girl?
I’m trying to think if there’s anything about this incident that couldn’t have been better handled by a couple of irate black customers pinning the little scumbags to the wall by their hair and giving them what-for until they were ready to slink away beneath their own shadows.
Now, I’ve never bought into the “the media made me do it” defense – but if you’re a not very bright teenager, you’ve literally spent much of your cognitive life in a society where Eric Cartman and Chris Rock say exactly that kind of thing, and it’s considered edgy comedy.
“But it’s just common sense…” is the response I expect – from people who don’t have teenagers.
At any rate – what does it say about our society that “a couple of kids saying something stupid and racist on an intercom” is “intimidation”? It’s audible vandalism, of course, and it should be the sort of thing a store could sue the kids over; it damaged the image of WalMart and Whole Foods.
But am I the only one wondering who would actually call it “indimidation?”
Oprah? A diva? Who’da thunk it?
On the appointed day and time, two limos pulled up and Oprah went into Deborah Gore Dean’s shop across Wisconsin Avenue. After waiting 30 minutes, Colasante walked over and found his famous client berating Dean. He told Oprah and her entourage (secretary, pilot, hairdresser, makeup man, guards) that he had other appointments scheduled and she needed to honor her timetable.
“Oprah does not walk,” she told him, referring to herself in the third person. “Who is this guy?” Then she started screaming at her staff, but finally agreed to cross the street and come through his front door.
“I just don’t feel it,” she told him. “The vibrations aren’t right.”
“You’ll feel them once you see the paintings we’ve assembled for you,” he said, pointing up the stairs where Court’s art was hanging.
“Oprah does not do stairs,” she said.
Things went rapidly downhill from there: Colasante’s partner hissed that maybe Oprah could use the exercise (unclear who heard), and she stormed out in a huff without buying anything.
It’s from Kitty Kelley’s new book on Oprah, by the way. It’s the book you might not be hearing about, because everyone’s scared of Oprah:
No telling what else Kelley has unearthed or who gets to hear it: Her book has an initial printing of 500,000 copies, but she said some major news organizations have refused to schedule interviews for fear of Oprah’s power and displeasure.
Ms. Kelley – obviously, you need to come to the one media organization in America that won’t chicken out in the face of Oprah and her masses of droogs. Come on the Northern Aliance. I booked you 26 years ago for your book on Sinatra, so you know perfectly well I’m up for it.
By the way; while I’m sure it’s not a complete reflection of their own characters, much less of larger social trends, I think it’s interesting to note that while the babbling diva and top-flight Obama supporter Oprah acts like 18th-century French royalty, refers to herself in the third person and tramples people, especially “servants”, like crabgrass, Rush Limbaugh leaves 1000% tips and is apparently renowned by waitstaff as the best customer there is.
Again, not drawing broad conclusions.
Honest.
“I just don’t feel it,” she told him. “The vibrations aren’t right.”
“You’ll feel them once you see the paintings we’ve assembled for you,” he said, pointing up the stairs where Court’s art was hanging.
“Oprah does not do stairs,” she said.
Things went rapidly downhill from there: Colasante’s partner hissed that maybe Oprah could use the exercise (unclear who heard), and she stormed out in a huff without buying anything.
How accurate is Kelley’s version? Dean, who declined to be interviewed for the book, said she doesn’t discuss her clients. Winfrey spokeswoman Lisa Halliday declined to comment.
“Kitty got it just right,” Colasante told us this weekend. “I was somewhat dumbfounded to see this side of Oprah. I’ve been in business 37 years, and I’ve never seen anyone behave that way before — least of all anyone well-known, who are generally pussycats. We had a wonderful time with Barbra Streisand.” (He eventually sold two of the three Court paintings.)
No telling what else Kelley has unearthed or who gets to hear it: Her book has an initial printing of 500,000 copies, but she said some major news organizations have refused to schedule interviews for fear of Oprah’s power and displeasure.
But Kelley told us she’s still a fan. “I love her — she is a biographer’s gift. I started the book the same way I ended up, with a great deal of respect for her.”
Found in the comments for a Facebook page story about someone someone who intended to, um, evacuate into his ex-girlfriend’s car, but, er, left it in the wrong one:
Sounds like an urban legend. Or possibly a new strategy for Tea Baggers! Throw your soiled Depends diaper into the offices of a Democratic congressman! (And hope you have his real address, not his brother’s!) Then skeedattle post haste on your Rascal (TM) mobility scooter, paid for by Medicare!
Er, yeah.
With enemies this stupid, who needs friends?
Remember when Republicans were the “dumb” party?
I’m feeling better about November every day.
…SITD wasn’t the first to take notice, but we smelled this a mile away.
A federal safety investigation of the Toyota Prius that was involved in a dramatic incident on a California highway last week found a particular pattern of wear on the car’s brakes that raises questions about the driver’s version of the event, three people familiar with the investigation said.
On Monday James Sikes, 61 years old, called 911 and told the operator his blue 2008 Toyota Prius had sped up to more than 90 miles per hour on its own on Interstate 8 near San Diego. He eventually brought the vehicle to a stop after a California Highway patrolman pulled alongside Mr. Sikes and offered help.
During and after the incident, Mr. Sikes said he was using heavy pressure on his brake pedal at high speeds.
But the investigation of the vehicle, carried out jointly by safety officials from the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration and Toyota engineers, didn’t find signs the brakes had been applied at full force at high speeds over a sustained period of time, the three people familiar with the investigation said.
Multiple sites (ex. Fox News, courtesy Bill C.) are reporting Mr. Sikes is in financial trouble and my have simply been looking to get out of his obligations on the Toyota Prius.
Toyota’s unintended acceleration issue may be real, or it may be a combination of factors which probably include opportunism, a litigious society, and the fact that some people have big feet.
Who knows – it’s probably all of the above. One thing I do know is that if I were behind the wheel of a Toyota Prius (I know, I know, just try to imagine it if you can) and the accelerator seemed to be stuck, the first thing I would do is…
…call 911?
“I pushed the gas pedal to pass a car, and it just did something kind of funny … and it just stuck there,” he said at a news conference outside a Highway Patrol office. “As I was going, I was trying the brakes … and it just kept speeding up.”
[Jim] Sikes said he called 911 for help, and dispatchers talked him through instructions on how he might be able to stop the car. But nothing worked.
…or so he says.
Mr. Sikes, with all due respect, are you trying to tell us that you couldn’t put the car in Neutral, or Park, or turn off the ignition? …but you could pick up your phone and dial 911?
Calling 911 in this situation affords the citizen a calm, cool professional, at the ready to tell you what you already should know, but it also affords said citizen the opportunity to convert what should have been a thirty-second emergency (assuming it was real) into a matter of public record and with a little added drama, a spectacle. On a slow news day, you might find video of your melodrama on every channel and across the interweb.
Bing!
Alerted by emergency dispatchers, a California Highway Patrol officer was able to catch up to Sikes’ Prius and used the patrol car’s public address system to instruct Sikes to apply the brakes and the emergency brake at the same time.
The trooper said after the incident that he could smell the Prius’s brakes burning, even at that high speed.
I smell something too, but it’s not burning brakes.
Roger Ebert tweeted:
@ebertchicago: How did this Obama/Telepromoter meme get started? Have many Presidents been in less need of one?
I’ll leave the responses to you, gentle reader. It’s a rare open thread.
Today’s “Worst Olberman In The World” award goes to Keith Olberman.
I’d know that what we’re seeing at the Tea Parties is, at its base, people who are afraid – terribly, painfully, cripplingly, blindingly afraid…
Olberman alone makes Berg’s Seventh Law settled science.
Okay, so I’m not going to make a habit of defending the President but…uhhh, Senator Reid, it already is.
I mean c’mon!
Read that quote.
Las Vegas is the poster child for where people shouldn’t be spending their money…by design!
A city whose mantra is “What happens in Vegas stays in VegasTM” isn’t aiming to be the wholesome venue where Pa Ingalls brings Ma, Half-Pint and the rest of the clan for a family vacation.
During the president’s town hall meeting in Nashua, New Hampshire, he discussed the need to curb spending during tough economic times. “When times are tough, you tighten your belts,” the president said.
True.
“You don’t go buying a boat when you can barely pay your mortgage.
True.
You don’t blow a bunch of cash on Vegas when you’re trying to save for college.”
True.
The president’s comments come nearly a year after he criticized companies that received federal money for taking corporate junkets to Las Vegas.
Should Americans not have a problem with that?
“You can’t go take that trip to Las Vegas or go down to the Super Bowl on taxpayers’ dime,
(unless your name is Nancy Pelosi)
” he said at the time. Local business leaders say Nevada tourism suffered last year in part because companies canceled trips to Las Vegas in the wake of the president’s comments.
Or I might respectfully offer another theory…maybe…just maybe…it was because….of a recession…that occurred…oh…give and take…all of last year?!
Not to worry: I think America has figured out that there is a very low correlation between reality and whatever the President says.
Besides…
President Obama is scheduled to visit Las Vegas this month.
…to apologize and find someone to bow to.
UPDATE:
Ed Schulz – who actually is as dumb as the lefty caricature of conservative talk radio – on the importance of fair elections and working together to build a better, more civil society:
“I, uh, I, uh, I, uh, I dunno – if I lived in Massachusetts, I’d trah to vote ten tahms. I dunno if they’d let me, but I’d chee-yut to keep those bastahds out. Because that’s exactly what they are”.
No, Ed. You might have to cheat to win a debate with a lobotomy patient, but I’m afraid it’s possible even Massachusetts Democrats might be more ethical than you.
And Ed? You are living, breathing proof of Berg’s Seventh Law.
And there’s evidence even you know it:
A stopped clock is right twice a day – and Schultz may see some advantage in looking like the first libtalker to be seen to publicly spit up the koolaid.
…the left would have to invent him.
That is all.
Vegetarians choose not to eat meat for a variety of reasons. Some cite the lower fat and cholesterol and higher fiber on their plates. Others for more emotional reasons: they don’t want to eat anything that smiles back at them. Hypothetically at least.
I stopped eating pork about eight years ago, after a scientist happened to mention that the animal whose teeth most closely resemble our own is the pig. Unable to shake the image of a perky little pig flashing me a brilliant George Clooney smile, I decided it was easier to forgo the Christmas ham.
George Clooney’s political bent certainly qualifies him as a pig, but I hardly think he looks like one. Or vice versa.
If God didn’t want us to eat animals, why did he make ‘em smell so good when they’re cookin’?
Now scientists (possibly those furlowed in the recent Global Warming controversy) are telling us that vegetables should be off the table too.
we might consider that plants no more aspire to being stir-fried in a wok than a hog aspires to being peppercorn-studded in my Christmas clay pot.
Plants are lively and seek to keep it that way.
It’s time for a green revolution, a reseeding of our stubborn animal minds.
Sorry, what? I couldn’t hear you, I was trying to bite off a chunk of my laptop battery. I think I chipped a tooth.
When plant biologists speak of their subjects, they use active verbs and vivid images. Plants “forage” for resources like light and soil nutrients and “anticipate” rough spots and opportunities. By analyzing the ratio of red light and far red light falling on their leaves, for example, they can sense the presence of other chlorophyllated competitors nearby and try to grow the other way. Their roots ride the underground “rhizosphere” and engage in cross-cultural and microbial trade.
Maybe so, but can they dance?
Plants can scream though. Sort of.
Some of the compounds that plants generate in response to insect mastication [that means chewing gutter-huggers-JR] — their feedback, you might say — are volatile chemicals that serve as cries for help. Such airborne alarm calls have been shown to attract both large predatory insects like dragon flies, which delight in caterpillar meat, and tiny parasitic insects, which can infect a caterpillar and destroy it from within.
So dragon flies can eat delicious caterpillar meat but I can’t?
It’s a small daily tragedy that we animals must kill to stay alive.
If that’s not a bumper sticker yet, it should be.
Plants are the ethical autotrophs here, the ones that wrest their meals from the sun. Don’t expect them to boast: they’re too busy fighting to survive.
Well then, why didn’t the Democrats include plants in the health care bill? Don’t they care?
So as you sit down to your bountiful (hopefully) table later this week, have compassion. Remember: you can’t eat animals; you can’t eat plants. Merry Christmas!