SCENE: Mitch BERG is at a large gas station in Minnetonka, MN. Having just bought gas, he’s looking for a new windshield wiper. He turns down the aisle marked “Windshield Wipers/Condiments/Magazines Showing People Getting Hit In The Groin”, and notices Gutterball GARY – a blogger at the (possibly fictional) progressive blog “MinnesotaLiberalAlliance.Blogspot.com“, who describes his hobbies as bowling, heckling people, and shouting really loud – reading a magazine.
BERG tries to backpedal out of the aisle, but GARY notices him.
GARY: Hey, Merg! You’re stupid!
BERG: Nothing my mother doesn’t say.
GARY: The Second Amendment is not an individual right!
BERG: Well, the Supreme Court in the Heller and McDonald cases disagreed, and made it both a precedent and incorporated it to the states.
GARY: You’re stupid and you have no idea what you’re talking about! Justice Burger said the Second Amendment was “a fraud on the American public.”
GARY: He was a conservative!
BERG: Maybe compared to Nixon, who appointed him, but not really. And he was really arguing a strawman; he was saying the Second Amendment doesn’t preclude regulation…
GARY: Burger disagrees with you! And he’s from Minnesota! It’s further proof you don’t know what you’re talking about! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
GARY: …ha ha ha ha ha!
BERG: Say, Gary? In what case did Burger write that opinion?
BERG: Was that statement from a Supreme Court, or even an appelate, case?
BERG: The thing Burger said?
GARY: You’re stupid!
BERG: Right. It wasn’t part of a case. It was a personal opinion, in a 1990 PBS interview. It was of no more legal weight than you or me talking to PBS.
GARY: He was a conservative, and he disagrees with you, and he’s a Supreme Court judge, so you’re stupid!
BERG: Huh. So because a “conservative” SCOTUS justice had a personal, private opinion that dissents from conservative and libertarian orthodoxy, I’m stupid.
GARY: Yeah! Ha ha ha ha…
GARY: …ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
BERG: So who said this: “Certainly, one of the chief guarantees of freedom under any government, no matter how popular and respected, is the right of the citizen to keep and bear arms. … The right of the citizen to bear arms is just one guarantee against arbitrary government, one more safeguard against the tyranny which now appears remote in America but which historically has proven to be always possible.”
GARY: That sounds like Ted Nugent! Which means you’re an anti-semite! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…
GARY: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
BERG: Actually it was Hubert H. Humphrey. A “progressive”, a former Vice President and Senator, and the greatest politician Minnesota ever produced. And it’d seem he disagrees with Justice Burger.
GARY: Who cares what an anti-semite thinks?
BERG: Oh, the Nugent thing? Pfft. I didn’t even like Ted Nugent as a guitar player all that much; I certainly never appointed him my spokesperson.
GARY: Nope! Nugent is on your side, so you’re an antisemite!
BERG: Ah. So if someone were to say “With Iraq no threat, why invade a sovereign country? The answer: President Bush’s policy to secure Israel. . . . [S]preading democracy in the Mideast to secure Israel would take the Jewish vote from the Democrats.”
GARY: Sounds like Nugent or some other ReTHUGliCON.
BERG: First – I’m always amazed to hear people actually talking in caps. Second – no. It was Democrat senator Fritz Hollings.
So – does that make you anti-semitic?
GARY: You’re stupid.