Shot in the Dark

When You’ve Solved All Your Real Problems

City of Santa Barbara votes to give jail time for straw buyers.

Hahaha. Just kidding

They voted to give jail time to restaurant workers who give straws to customers, passing an ordinance…

…that will allow restaurant employees to be punished with up to six months of jail time or a $1,000 fine for giving plastic straws to their customers.

The bill was passed unanimously last Tuesday, and covers bars, restaurants, and other food-service businesses. Establishments will still be allowed to hand out plastic stirrers, but only if customers request them.

Santa Barbara’s ordinance “is likely the most severe straw ban in the country,” according to Reason, but it’s far from the only straw ban. Seattle banned plastic straws earlier this month, mandating a a $250 fine for violators. Santa Barbara, however, has gone much further than Seattle — even aside from the harsher punishments its law imposes. Santa Barbara has banned not only plastic straws, but also compostable straws. Oh, and each individual straw counts as a separate infraction, meaning that if someone got busted handing out straws to a table of four people, he or she could end up facing years behind bars.

Presumably if the waitstaff are illegal immigrants or DREAMers there’ll be some sort of exemption.


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17 responses to “When You’ve Solved All Your Real Problems”

  1. Greg Avatar
    Greg

    Presumably if the waitstaff are illegal immigrants or DREAMers there’ll be some sort of exemption.

    You are so right. As written this law is a travesty, it should only apply to straight white males.

    As for the punishment, why just six months in jail? Considering the fate of the earth is being threatened and MILLIONS, maybe even BILLIONS could die…

  2. Mammuthus Primigenius Avatar
    Mammuthus Primigenius

    I thought I lived in “The land of the free”, but I guess not.
    What if you brought your own straws in and handed them out to patrons?
    They’d put you in Charlie Manson’s old cell.

  3. Mammuthus Primigenius Avatar
    Mammuthus Primigenius

    Under Attorney General Jeff Sessions, the department’s commitment to civil rights and protection of minorities has been questioned.
    HUNDREDS OF BILLIONS! MAYBE TRILLIONS!

  4. jdm Avatar
    jdm

    You know, it really goes to show maliciously silly the left really is: six months in jail for handing out a straw? Versus $1000? I mean if you’re a (straight white male) waiter, you have to be able to earn more than $1000 in six months. Meaning if you don’t have the $1000, your life is ruined.

  5. bikebubba Avatar
    bikebubba

    Oh, come on, this makes perfect sense. Since the worst ten rivers in Africa and Asia are huge sources for plastics poisoning the oceans, we here in North America can’t use a straw to drink a Coke, never mind that the restaurant has been required to control its trash and keep it out of the water since the 1950s or before.

  6. Joe Doakes Avatar
    Joe Doakes

    Well, it may not be a perfect solution, but at least they’re Doing Something.

    You people bitterly clinging to your plastic straws, you just don’t Care enough. You must Hate sea turtles and Want Them To Die. Why are you such Haters?

    If it saves even one life . . . . . .

  7. nerdbert Avatar
    nerdbert

    This gives a whole new meaning to straw man purchase. 🙂

  8. Mr. D Avatar
    Mr. D

    never mind that the restaurant has been required to control its trash and keep it out of the water since the 1950s or before.

    That straw from Noodles and Company that got buried in a landfill in Blaine last month? It’s strangling a sea turtle in the Seychelles right now. It just is.

  9. Prince of Darkness_666 Avatar
    Prince of Darkness_666

    5 years ago the Onion would have rejected this story idea for being too out there.

  10. Bill C Avatar
    Bill C

    Plastic straws account for 0.03% by weight of the plastic in the oceans (2000 tons out of 9 million tons total).

    https://phys.org/news/2018-04-science-amount-straws-plastic-pollution.html

    Mr D nails it.

    Fishing nets are a far bigger portion of the pollution in the ocean.

  11. Prince of Darkness_666 Avatar
    Prince of Darkness_666

    the irony is massove

  12. Greg Avatar
    Greg

    Cities should stop coming up with silly solutions to absurd problems and focus on what is truly important… I mean, what is Santa Barbara’s policy on Syria and Gaza? Minneapolis is way ahead of them there.

  13. Emery Avatar
    Emery

    POD wrote: “5 years ago the Onion would have rejected this story idea for being too out there.”

    “The New Deal Era Commodity Credit Corporation, which has the authority to either lend money to farmers or buy their crops in economic emergencies.”
    If only Trump could figure out what’s causing the emergencies in the first place! But it’s funny to see the Republicans going full force against free trade and in favor of huge subsidies — the same goofy ideas that brought down the Soviets.

  14. bikebubba Avatar
    bikebubba

    I’m told that the majority of plastic waste in the oceans is packaging from containers of organic tofu, dope, and hummus, discarded by California hippies.

    OK, yeah, just made that up, but it makes as much sense as what Saint Barbie is working on…

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  16. Swiftee Pinochet Avatar
    Swiftee Pinochet

    6 months for a plastic straw, but only a misdemeanor for *knowingly* transmitting AIDS, because a felony just ain’t fair.

    These people are either insane, or the most insidiously clever super villains the world had ever seen.

  17. Night Writer Avatar

    6 months for a plastic straw, but only a misdemeanor for *knowingly* transmitting AIDS, because a felony just ain’t fair.

    Because plague-mongers need love, too!

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