That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
So those of you who follow this post through to the bitter end will be ten feet tall and armor plated in about fifteen minutes.
There’s an election in two years – and the Democrat Party has decided to try to kick off the battle via the medium of the popular song.
There are three contenders, and they’re all pretty freaking awful.
But American needs to know; what’s the worst of the noxious bunch?
Let’s meet the offenders. Then let’s get down to voting.
Contender #1 – The Hillary Clinton Country-Western Song: This is Hillary’s opening bid for popularity in a part of the country that would rather catch a stream of projectile diarrhea than vote for Hillary Clinton.
It’s got everything that people in America’s heartland look for in a leader: central-casting “country” people; folksy abbreviations on videos (“Learnin’ Hindsight’s Always Right”, “‘Cuz Our American Dream’s At Stake”), because we like our videos to do their local patois the same way Hillary Clinton does it in her speeches – clumsy and patronizing; clunky, greasy references to inside-the-Beltway chanting points (“let’s smash that glass ceiling!”, indeed).
Hard to pick the biggest groaner; for my money, it’s the moment around 1:50, where the hot babe on the motorcycle gives the guy a ride on the back. That’s right, guys – you’ve been living in two-income families for a generation now, but deep down inside you’re all still sexists!
You just know some consultant – in my mind’s eye, “he” looks like Pajama-Boy – got major kudos for this idea. Maybe even got it stolen by a bigger consultant.
The video reportedly cost the Hillary PAC a million dollars to make. I have a hunch most of it went to AFTRA fees for the guys in the band – the only four males in Los Angeles would could pull of “Country Western Band”.
Or is the worst song…
Fauxcahontas’s Faux Faulk Frenzy: On the surface, it seems like Elizabeth “I Lied About Being Cherokee” Warren’s song couldn’t be any more different; lazily-written, badly-sung pseudo-“folk” music is as organic to the cultural left as Whole Foods, Terry Gross or Gluten-Free Coffee.
And whomever produced this atrocity got some of the surface anti-glitz “glitz” as right as Hillary’s crew got “country” wrong. “Run Fauxcahontas Run” has lots of the veneer of bad coffeehouse folk music; the big chorus stretches eleven syllables to cover fourteen syllables of rhythm; the dork-fingered guitar-playing sounds so much like it’s being played by a Sylvia-Plath-obsessed Vassar women’s studies major…
…that you know it can’t be. It takes professionals – session musicians earning triple the musicians union scale – to play that badly, that well; it takes a professional singer to to edge that close to sounding like a lesbian slam poet without serving into pure caricature…
…as much as the lyrics do.
Before It Was Hilarious: Of course, the control for this experiment was this little ditty from 2008, a classic hymn to The One…
…complete with adoring crowds chanting, Nuremberg-style, in the background.
Nothing more needs to be said, right?
A Time For Choosing: OK – so what is the worst Hymn to a Candidate ever?
This may be the most important vote you take this year.