SCENE: The office of the Governor of Minnesota. Gathered around a table are:
- Carrie LUCKING, the Executive Director of Alida Messinger’s “Alliance for a Better Minnesota. She is at the head of table.
- Bob HUME, the Governor’s chief of staff, sits at LUCKING’s right.
- Tina FLINT-SMITH, the governor’s other chief of staff, is at LUCKING’s left.
- Yvette PRETTNER-SOLON, the Lieutenant Governor, dozes at far end of the table
- Hannah UNDERLING is standing by.
LUCKING: In the name of Alita the Mother Almighty, I call this meeting to order!
HUME, FLINT-SMITH and UNDERLING: All hail!
LUCKING: So what have you discovered?
HUME: Well, honey… (LUCKING fixes HUME with a withering glare) …er, sir, the Republicans are facing an unruly split in the Libertarian wing of the party.
FLINT-SMITH: We believe they can be wedged.
LUCKING: In the name of Mighty Alita (a speaker blares a thunder sound effect in the background, and UNDERLING flickers the light switch of and on a few times) make it so.
HUME: We’ll pass the governor off as a Libertarian!
FLINT-SMITH: I’ll put Baird Helgeson on it, over at the Strib. Hannah?
UNDERLING: Yes, ma’am?
FLINT-SMITH: Issue an order to the Strib. The Governor is now a libertarian.
UNDERLING: By your leave.
LUCKING: What else?
HUME: We have reason to believe that the GOP is going to make a move for Somali immigrants. They even have a candidate, running against Phyllis Kahn.
LUCKING: We shall make the Governor Muslim. His middle name is Faruq. (Thunder effect, as UNDERLING flickers the lights).
FLINT-SMITH (gets up and walks to and opens the closet door). Mark?
GOVERNOR MARK DAYTON (muffled, from inside closet): Huh?
FLINT-SMITH: You’re Muslim now.
DAYTON: (thinly) OK.
(FLINT-SMITH closes the door)
LUCKING: Next?
HUME: The GOP had their convention. They endorsed several candidates, but several are going to the primary.
FLINT-SMITH: AKA “The DFL Way” .
LUCKING: Who are these people?
HUME (pulling out clipboard): The first is the governor candidate, Jeff Johnson.
LUCKING (thinking deeply): We shall issue a press release saying he is Wrong For Minnesota.
FLINT-SMITH: Hannah? Get on it. (UNDERLING takes a note)
HUME: The next one is the Senate candidate, Mike McFadden.
LUCKING (thinking even deeper): We shall issue a press release saying McFadden is…Wrong For Minnesota.
(UNDERLING takes a note)
HUME: Dan Severson is running for Secretary of State.
LUCKING (deep in thought): I think that we need to tell Minnesotans that Severson is…
(silence. HUME and FLINT-SMITH wait with bated breath, as UNDERLING scribbles on her notepad and PRETTNER-SOLON snores lightly)
LUCKING: Severson is Wrong For Minnesota. (nods her head as the others jot notes).
UNDERLING: How about Arne Carlson?
LUCKING: Arne Carlson is…Wrong for Minnesota as well.
UNDERLING: He’s not actually on the ballot.
LUCKING (looks confused for a moment. Then focuses on UNDERLING): You are Wrong for Minnesota.
HUME: I brought brownies.
FLINT-SMITH (taking a brownie, takes a bite. Grimaces): Um…did you use salt, or sugar?
HUME: Dammit. Not again…
LUCKING: The brownies are Wrong For Minnesota.
HUME: Oh, by the way, Carrie? I couldn’t get reservations at Crave tonight.
LUCKING: That’s Wrong for Minnesota!
(And SCENE)
“FLINT-SMITH (gets up and walks to and opens the closet door). Mark?
GOVERNOR MARK DAYTON (muffled, from inside closet): Huh?
FLINT-SMITH: You’re Muslim now.
DAYTON: (thinly) OK.
(FLINT-SMITH closes the door)”
I laughed out loud at that.
Yep, Governor hide in a closet is about right. Still, this is more honest than what would actually happens.
It must gall all of you that Dayton is 10 points or better ahead of any and all of your candidates. So you have to make up silly shit like this to cheer yourselves up — since reality doesn’t work. The facts……no, not your friends.
Dog Gone is remarkably consistent in claiming that her opinions are facts.
Yeah, so sad are we that Governor Dayton poll results are so awesome. So awesome that he now needs to be a libertarian, apparently (as pointed out in another thread):
http://www.startribune.com/politics/statelocal/261610051.html
I wonder what other aid he will require from the Star Tribune as his poll results climb higher and higher (at least in Dog Gone’s head).
It must gall all of you that Dayton is 10 points or better
What galls me is that the population of this state has been so dumbed down and made addle-brained that such a spectacularly boneheaded abject failure of a politician can actually receive these polling results. The blame rests squarely on the shoulders of a incestuously protective media and 50 years of the teachers union destroying the public school system.
After Dayton’s fraud assisted squeaker of a victory, Mitch wrote that half of this state would vote for a set of wind-up plastic chattering teeth if it had a (DFL) after it. That’s an insult to all the good, hardworking sets of wind-up plastic chattering teeth out there.
Awaiting moderation? Must have been the word “chattering”.
And yes, I laughed out loud a couple times reading this as well. Excellent work!
DG- So you’re happy there’s a lot of stupid people in this state?
Pingback: Flexible | Shot in the Dark