Brian Lambert, on what he’d do if he were king.
I’ll hold off on jokes about “every liberal’s inner authoritarian” for now:
ONE: Restoration of The Fairness Doctrine. When The Fairness Doctrine was abandoned back in the last hours of the Reagan administration it took about a week before 500 dweebs who couldn’t get dates in high school decided they could become as rich as Rush Limbaugh just by telling misanthrophic nerds like themselves that liberals were the reason why they spent Friday nights playing Donkey Kong instead of making out with a cheerleader. In an instant the public airwaves were choked with enough ad hominem vitriol and persistent errors of fact to drive any self-respecting copy editor to alcohol-assisted suicide.
For starters: Way to avoid the “ad hominem vitrol”, Mr. “can’t get a date on Friday night”.
Second: Condolences to the survivors of all of Lambert’s old copy editors; Limbaugh’s success cut down the number of people in the business. They just made spectacularly more money at it.
At least, the ones that succeeded did. That doesn’t include Lambert, who – unlike the whole conservative format – didn’t exactly connect in the market as a talk show host. (Note to the copy editor who may not have known about Lambert’s past, and thus couldn’t pass it on to the audience; don’t do it. Life’s still worth living). [*]
The in-coming Obama administration has no interest in requiring people holding radio licenses to provide counter-arguments to the likes of Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Jason Lewis, etc. (Perhaps because time and events have effectively marginalized that cast of characters to a still profitable-but-truly-dingbat core audience.) But as King, I order that each troll-kissing radio jock be required to defend his bumper sticker logic against a live, equally well-remunerated liberal for 15 minutes every hour. And we’re not talking Alan Colmes. Think more like Glenn Greenwald or Katrina vanden Heuvel across the desk from El Rushbo three times every show. Tell me that wouldn’t be fun? (And the King likes fun.)
Tell Glenn and ‘Trina to come on the NARN with us. Or maybe drop by yourself sometime; you’ll be “remunerated” equally with Ed and I.
You can explain where there’s any shortage of opinion out there, among other things.
No, really.
Oh, it gets worse:
FIVE: A non-profit news consortium shall take control of Minnesota reporting and commentary functions. The King is busy with many other aspects of state — war-mongering and arranging marriages — otherwise he would act as a one-person consortium and make all significant news decisions. And he may yet. But first he will test a system whereby a modest state “information tax” is imposed to staff an organization at least the size of the Star Tribune circa 2004, with no fear of commercial penalties if they investigate the fortunes of local HMO tycoons, football team owners or close friends of any public official. Editorial control will rest in a rotating triumvirate of demonstrably talented journalists. We will begin with MinnPost publisher Joel Kramer, ex-City Pages editor Steve Perry and U of M prof Jane Kirtley.
So in other words, welfare for people who can’t make it in the real world.
No, Mr. Copy Editor! Back away from the ledge!
SIX: MPR with jokes. Whatever happened to intelligent satire? …But come on. Can’t we do better than fart jokes on morning drive radio? The King decrees a new radio format be foisted upon the vassals — “Some College Education Required News Talk … with Jokes”. Imagine if Kerri Miller were permitted to play with her guests, needle them and tease them to effect?
Good times.
Good times.
The kingdom will be a better more peaceful place for all this.
Just like Ukraine in 1933.
[*] Yes, I know – Lambert doesn’t have “copy editors” any more than Nick Coleman does. Work with me, here.
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