Joe Doakes from Como Park emails:
Governor Walz [last Tuesday] announced a new Executive Order intended to save Minnesotan lives from the deadliest virus ever known, Covid-19.
“More than 100 people died of Covid-19 the day after Thanksgiving. It’s sad, but it’s their own fault. They failed to follow my instructions to cancel Thanksgiving and they paid the price for it. I’m only sorry the scofflaws took so many of their aged neighbors with them. This blatant disregard of my Executive Orders cannot continue. Effective immediately, all Christmas parties are banned during the month of December. And since we now know I cannot depend on people to voluntarily obey the arbitrary rules, I’m announcing a new compliance program. You’ve heard of Toys for Tots? Well, this is Cash for Christians. Report your neighbor’s holiday gathering and receive a check from the state. The more violators, the bigger the reward.”
In response to Republican claims that such an order would somehow violate the “Constitution,” a spokesman for Attorney General Ellison stated, “Since the Governor’s order is authorized by statute and has not been overturned by the Legislature, it is presumptively valid. There is ample legal precedent to take action against people who threaten public peace under pretext of religion, particularly Executive Order 44 issued by the Governor Lilburn Boggs of Missouri in 1838. The notion that the Governor lacks the authority to suspend people’s so-called “Constitutional rights” during the time of state-wide emergency is absurd on its face.”
Local ministers called a press conference to protest the order but were summarily arrested and have not been heard from since. An aide to the Governor confirmed he has reserved the Xcel Center for several events in coming weeks and also has instructed the Minnesota Zoo to stop feeding the big cats, but rumors of plans to feed Christians to the lions on pay-per-view were denied.
In Saint Paul, Joe Doakes, reporting.
Given that the state owns a freezer morgue that is empty (since Ken Martin let John Thompson out after the election), I suppose it brings new meaning to “putting suspects on ice”….