To: David Brauer, committed liberal and writer for the MNPost
From: Mitch Berg, critical reader
Re: Because you say so, that’s why
Who wrote the following (no fair peeking!)
“I’m talking, of course, about the Internet, which is a terrific learning tool. For example, a couple years ago, when he was 12, my son used the Internet for a sixth grade report on bestiality. Joe was able to download some effective visual aids, which the other students in his class just loved. See, at that age the kids are sponges!” Source: Al Franken, Playboy, January 2000
“At first I thought it was my imagination, but when Dr. DeVine escorted me into the virtual reality room, she seemed to be coming on to me. She allowed her bodacious breasts to brush against my face as shelowered me into the prototype of the Virtu-Screw 2000. ‘How does that feel?’ she cooed. I didn’t know if she was referring to the Naugahyde bucket seat or to the two erect nipples pushing through her white lab coat and nearly poking my eyes out.
Then Dr. DeVine placed the Virtu-Screw helmet over my head. Sitting in the pitch dark, I felt slightly vulnerable but also excited. Sheasked me which setting I wanted. Since I’ve been married 23 years, I naturally chose ‘blow job.’ My chair abruptly tilted backward, and I ‘felt’ my pants being unzipped. If I hadn’t known I was sitting in the most state-of-the-art virtual reality sex machine, I would have sworn that a real woman’s hand had pulled my cock from my pants.
My nervousness disappeared, and I sat back and enjoyed the amazingly realistic cyber job. It was every bit as good as the last real blow job I had gotten 23 years earlier-if not better-because when I shot my wad, the virtual mouth swallowed.” Source: Al Franken, Playboy, January 2000
“I found myself extremely attracted to the vulnerable side of this sexy scientist, and when I offered to comfort her, she accepted, kissing me full on the lips and inserting her tongue into my mouth and moving it around suggestively. Then she reached down and started rubbing my crotch, and within just five or ten minutes my cock was again hard and ready for action.
That’s when Dr. DeVine took my hand in her other hand, and said, ‘If you think VRS is the future, wait until you see this.’
While still rubbing my crotch, Dr. DeVine led me through the Future wing to the Sexbot room. Once inside I was surprised to see a vinyl blowup doll wearing crotchless panties.
Dr. DeVine explained that the blow-up doll was the prototype for the Sexbot, and scientists at the IPS keep her around to remind themselves just how far they have come and how far they have to go.
And indeed they do have a long way to go. The most current Sexbot prototype, Connie, while quite attractive, has moving parts made of plastic and metal alloys and is considered quite dangerous. In fact, as a futurist, Dr. DeVine believes that the first Sexbots to hit the market will result in class-action suits filed by severely injured men.
That’s why Dr. DeVine urged me to forgo Connie and introduced me to Wilhelmina, a beautiful young German-born researcher who, while human, more closely approximates the Sexbot of the 22nd century. Wilhelmina escorted me to a private room with a bed and removed her clothes.If this is what Sexbots will look like a hundred years from now, I envy my great-great-grandsons. We made passionate love for two or three minutes before being joined by Dr. DeVine, who wanted to make the point that Sexbots will be used for threesomes.
I could describe the incredible sex the three of us had, but this is a piece of journalism about the future of pornography and not one of those cheesy letters from a horny reader. Suffice it to say that everyone came several times, except me, who came only once.”
a) Senate Candidate Al Franken, or
b) Conservative archpundit William F. Buckley
If you answered “b”, Mr. Brauer, it explains a lot about this piece.
Note, Mr. Brauer; it’s not the appearance. It’s the output.
As it were.
That is all.