Shot In The Dark: Things I Can Neither Forgive Nor Forget

October 13, 2005

Things I Can Neither Forgive Nor Forget

I'm a Christian, and I take seriously my Lord and Savior's command to forgive those who transgress against me. I really try hard.

But there are times, places and events that make forgiveness (to say nothing of forgetting) very, very difficult.

I'm not talking about things like 9/11, here - forgiveness without atonement is meaningless.

No. Nothing that serious.

But serious enough.

To wit - the list:

The Val Kilmer version of The Saint. The original TV series, starring Roger Moore, is to James Bond what Veronica Mars is to Raymond Chandler; a sharp, witty (in the Oscar Wilde sense) and sometimes tongue-in-cheek reading of a classic genre. Perhaps the only time I ever genuinely enjoyed watching after-school TV was a brief stretch of time when Channel 11 in Fargo played Saint reruns; I ate 'em up. Kilmer's version, unfortunately, not only reeked on every level, but didn't even make a cursory effort to recapture any of the wit and charm of the original. Loathsome, unforgiveable, and possible grounds for physical violence.
"Squad Leader", the PC Game. The original "Squad Leader" was an Avalon Hill company board game that simulated - in intense detail - squad and vehicle level combat in World War II. Each cardboard chit represented a squad of infantrymen, a vehicle (truck, tank, glider, jeep, whatever), a support weapon (heavy machine gun, bazooka, mortar, cannon) or vehicle or weapon crew. Very complex, yet with an elegant game system that made it surprisingly playable (a major achievement in tactical-simulation board games), "SL" as its cultlike legion of devotees called it, was an instant classic; military history afficionados broke it out everywhere, in basements and classrooms and dorm lounges and (a former Airborne Ranger friend tells me) in bivouacs on deployments around the world. Over a decade after its parent company tanked, "SL" (and the franchise's ultimate release, "Advanced Squad Leader", or ASL) still commands a thriving aftermarket and draws game geeks to tournaments around the world. But the computer game that rented the "SL" name was perhaps the most misbegotten piece of software ever released; years in development, it junked the boardgame's squad/team/crew/vehicle scale for an unworkably baroque single-man scale that tried, with horrible results, to split the difference between a tactics game and a first-person shooter. That alone would be enough to render the game a travesty of its heritage, even if it had a usable user interface. But the user interface was a complete abomination; the must un-usable game I've ever played. Which may have been good news for the game's programmers; so hard was it to play, it was supremely difficult to master the "game" to the point where one could criticize its higher-level problems. Dreadful.
"Tiffany"'s cover of "I Think We're Alone Now". The original - the highlight of Tommy James' career - was as glorious an ode to teenage lust as has ever been written. "Tiffany" - or, more likely, her producers - combined a vapid Euro-synth pop background with their young (16 at the time) star's voice, an instrument so feeble as to make Hillary Duff sound like Aretha Franklin by comparison; the progeny of this effort was a cover that briefly made me flirt with hating the incandescent original.

That's it.

For now.

Posted by Mitch at October 13, 2005 12:32 PM | TrackBack

Comments

OK, not being a fan of the original Saint show because your old and I am not...as old, I was not aware, I'll have to watch the show now, it still comes on Nick at Night. I though Kilmer was Ok, but I didn't compare the two.
Now as to number two..who cares.
Number three, I totally agree, the first time I heard the pop version I went Nuclear (Noo-Q-lur)

Posted by: Mr Bob at October 13, 2005 01:27 PM

For some reason Tiffany's cover of "I Saw [him] Standing There" always bothered me more than "I Think We're Alone now." But it's a close call.

But Billy Idol's cover of Tommy James' "Mony Mony" is almost as awful in my opinion.

Posted by: Doug at October 13, 2005 01:52 PM

More information on the real Squad Leader and ASL:

When Avalon Hill was purchased by Hasbro (a business decision that can charitably be described as curious), Hasbro sold off several game properties. Among these was ASL. The company that bought the game, Multi-Man Publishing, is owned (at least in large part) by Curt Schilling.

Yes, the pitcher.

If you want something that reasonably approximates ASL on the computer, see Steel Panthers.

Posted by: Doug Sundseth at October 13, 2005 01:58 PM

Doug, cool info re Multi-Man.

Have never played Steel Panthers, but Battlezone's "Combat Mission" game is the best analog I've seen so far on the computer. Absolutely engrossing. Highly recommended.

Posted by: mitch at October 13, 2005 02:05 PM

I think Debbie Gibson covered "I think we're alone now" prior to Tiffany. I haven't heard Tiffany's version, but Gibson's was pop pre-pubescant crap, so I suspect Tiffany could hardly be any better. Nevertheless, I don't think I can quite damn her to hell.. As it says.. that whichsoever is held over by any two of you, will be held over in heaven... and I don't want to be the second one here, because I've been known to sing bad songs in my shower - and to badly sing them.

Regarding Kilmer, the Saint movie was passable IMHO, Elizabeth Shue is and was pretty fetching...there were reasonable effects. Roger Moore in the original was more chic, quicker, etc.. but he was no Dustin Hoffman either. So I'll forgive anyone who is smart enough to put his lips in Ms. Shue's proximity... and as a litmus test goes, Moore is not strong enough to condemn Kilmer to gnashing teeth and rending flesh.. but hey, I'm a bleeding heart.

As for ASL.. the demise of AH is a tragedy to any serious tactical boardgamer. ASL was pretty complex compared to original SL, not unplayable, but it had it's clunks. I've not played the PC version, so I can't comment on whether the Devil should reserve a private room for the author(s), but then again, I never felt any PC game should make me lose sleep..

Put it another way, lighten up, Francis..:)

Your friend,
Francis

Posted by: PB at October 13, 2005 02:16 PM

Am thoroughly light, Fran. And I don't lose sleep over computer games (I never have time to play 'em anyway).

Kilmer's movie may have been an acceptable movie in purely movie terms, but it wasn't "The Saint". However, you are correct as re: Ms. Shue.

Debbie Gibson and Tiffany came out at the same time, summer of 1987. They were both parts of the same short-lived genre. "ITWAN" was Tiffany's debut single (and she followed up with the aforementioned Beatles cover and "Coulda Been"). Gibson debuted with "Only In My Dreams". These things I remember all too well, having been working in radio and then nightclubs through the entire course of both of their career bell curves.

I used to work with a Debbie Gibson stalker! No, seriously.

Posted by: mitch at October 13, 2005 02:37 PM

Hey,
I've been saying "Lighten up, Francis" for years! ;) PB has unwittingly channelled me.

Posted by: badda-blogger at October 13, 2005 03:24 PM

Gotta agree emphatically with the "I Think We're Alone Now" opinion....I was actually right in the thick of teenage love (or lust or whatever) when the Tommy James version was out, (8th or 9th grade in '68-69) and I identified heavily with the message! Actually, how many of you other posters have the original, bought-in-'68 version on vinyl? (Geez, I'm old).

Tiffany...for cripe's sake, even her name tells you it's gonna be crap.

Posted by: Colleen at October 13, 2005 03:57 PM

If you'd like to try Steel Panthers, it seems that it is being kept alive as a work of love here:

http://www.fprado.com/armorsite/sp_waw.htm

And it's free.

On "I think we're alone now": The first version of this that I remember hearing was a version by Shnazz* (lead singer, The Fritz*), which was a minor hit in Hawaii.

I rather liked it, but it would probably be anathema to, say, Mitch.

* Yes, really, to both. I have it on vinyl.

Posted by: Doug Sundseth at October 13, 2005 04:13 PM

Ah, Avalon Hill. My best friend in junior high owned several of their games and we'd play nearly every afternoon during the winter, usually "D-Day" or "Sink the Bismarck". It's probably the single biggest reason I didn't pursue the military as a career. If I played as the Allies, I was thrown back into the sea every time. If I played as the Germans, Ike was grilling hot dogs in Berlin by the fourth of July. If I was the Brits chasing the Bismarck, Churchill signed the surrender papers on its deck. I don't know where my old friend is now; probably secretly ruling the world from an undisclosed location.

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