Don't Quit Your Day Job

"Ruby" - the Pioneer Press' breathtakingly-shallow dating blogger - is hanging it up after a couple of years:

This Part 61 is the last of the "Single in the Cities" episodes. It makes me a little sad to know I won't be sharing my views on love and losers or ranting about the barbarism of high heels or the vital role the nose-hair trimmer plays in American society.

Wow. What kind of guy might Ruby have found?

Let's see if we can find some hints from earlier columns.

Let's flash back to look at some of her previous work for a hint:

Unfortunately, it was doomed from the start – he doesn’t live in the Twin Cities and had no plans to move. The radical Republican slant made me kinda seasick, too.

And then there's this:

Relationships aren’t for everyone, and that’s OK, but if I wanted to live with that much unfounded fear, I’d vote for Bush .

Huh.

How about...:

Which is the case with the guy I’ve been seeing the past few months. He’s sweet, attentive and kind. He brings me coffee in the morning and gives me a back massage before bed. If he uses my car, he fills the tank with gas. If I mention my love of lime tortilla chips, they suddenly show up in the cupboard. He’s everything a gal could hope for.

And it’s driving me crazy...But now, I’m seeing a guy who is spongeworthy. And all this giving and caring stuff is strange for a woman brought up to be the master of her own (life) domain. Am I too independent for such a helpful partner? Or will I become a Kramer type and never shop for my own groceries again?

So what do we know about "Ruby"'s beau?

• He's nice - but not too nice; he'll still trip that need she has for a comfortable level of dysfunction. That covers a wide range of personalities, of course; from "nice guys with just enough flaws to bitch about" to full-fledged "I'll ignore your birthday, sleep with two of our bridesmaids, spend your 401K on a Harley and pimp-slap your mother -and you'll like it!" bad.
• His clothes and hair are, however, perfect. If there's anything we learned from two years of "Ruby", that's non-negotiable; he has to be a clothes horse.
• He's reliably Democrat. He can spend their collective paycheck on hookers and blow - but when the cops drag him home reeking of vomit and KY Jelly, if he blurts out "Honey? What would Wellstone do?", she'll still get that little melty tinge in her heart, the kind she got when he showed up for their third date - after standing her up for the second - looking just...so...impeccable.

Either that, or he's going to be using that nose-hair trimmer on himself one of these days.

But hey, all the best to the lucky couple.

And note to the PiPress: the next time you do a dateblog, find someone who doesn't sound like someone who flunked the screen test for an extra for Sex In The City. K?

Posted by Mitch at September 27, 2005 06:53 AM | TrackBack