Tips For Churches

I've been casting about for a new congregation for the past year or so. I've gone to a bunch of different congregations, and compiled quite a picture of the types of churches that would seem to be available these days.

Bear in mind: I'm a protestant Christian, who believes in the fundamentals of the Christian faith without being a "fundamentalist". That narrows out a lot of denominations, but in the great panoply of Protestantism, still leaves quite a few. I happen to be a Presbyterian - a denomination that, to me, combines belief in the fundamentals of the faith without tossing in a lot of extraneous dogma or belief in things that, to the best of my knowledge, Christ never talked about (and with all respect due to my friends who believe in presdestination, that'd be one of them), a denomination that lives the dictum in Corinthians, that people are of faith have different gifts, and whatever they are, they're all blessings. And while a lot of churches that focus on the purely spiritual aspects of faith are doing very well these days, the Presbyterians focus on the spiritual, real-world and intellectual sides of faith - all three of which my faith craves. The purely spirit-based churches (you know who you are) leave me just as unsatisfied as would, say, Christian Science.

So I'm a Presbyterian. Don't try to "save" me.

This post isn't about theology, though. Because while theology involves developing an intellectual interest in the study of faith, and like all things intellectual involves give and take and learning, this post is about things that are non-negotiable when searching for a denomination.

To wit - my short list of things that will, if not disqualify a church, certainly count as serious demerits:

• Pre-recorded accompaniments - I would much rather listen to someone gamely hack away at an out-of-tune piano accompanying a singer than listen to a canned (and invariably cheesy) accompaniment on tape. Hearing that pre-recorded, MIDI-based sound over the PA is a cringe moment.
• Contemporary Hymns - The Protestant church has a 400 year history of some of the most beautiful music in history, music that glorifies God in a way that few other works of art in any civilization ever have. By all means, retire it in favor of treacly tripe that wouldn't pass muster with Kenny G.
• Bad Gospel - Don't get me wrong; white WASPs from Roseville can do spirituals - if they make a commitment to learning the style as well as the notes. Unfortunately, very few suburban protestant congregations do this. Unfortunately, every lilywhite, usually-heavily-geriatric congregation feels compelled to celebrate "Black History Month" by rolling out an assortment of spiritual warhorses. By the way - if you're going to do a gospel number, make sure that either everyone claps, and claps to the beat - or nobody does. While one choir member clapping half-heartedly might gladden the Lord's heart, having 15 people doing it, and doing it without self-consciousness, must certainly gladded it more..
• Cut the Study-Group Buzzphrases - You know what I'm talking about - the catch phrases for concepts that people bandy about in church seminars. Hearing "Contagious Christianity" in a sermon once is OK. Hearing it 10 times in a sermon is not only very nearly a "walk out" offense - it's also usually a fair sign I won't find many contagious Christians in the sanctuary.
• Can The Politics - Among urban, mainline protestant churches, there seems to be an assumption that Paul Wellstone was a good guy, if a bit conservative. Of course there are exceptions. I just never seem to find them. Presbyterians in particular seem to have drawn many of their current generation of ministers from the unctuous cream of the late-sixties seminary pool. Open note to the PCUSA - Many of your parishioners voted for Bush. You might want to watch the condescension.
• Importing Lutheran Preachers - Don't get me wrong; Lutherans are fine people, and there are some excellent Lutheran preachers. But the Presbyterian seems to put a much higher premium on ministers who can deliver a good, interesting, thought-provoking sermon. In the Presbyterian Church, you tend to find very few ministers who read sermons, word-for-world, off a typewritten sheet. The church I attended yesterday was led by a substitute minister from an area Lutheran congregation, who read a sermon that sounded like a recycled term paper from seminary. He read exactly as he must have typed; every time he flubbed a word, he went back and re-read it, correctly.
• Hi, There - Every mainline protestant church is begging for members. More and more of them are preaching to emptier and emptier pews on Sunday morning. So - if you see a guy wandering around the narthex with a couple of kids, or standing with a cup of post-service coffee, maybe you should send someone over to say hi and see what he's doing here, and maybe answer a few questions. You might not get a second chance.

Maybe God is calling me to be a heckler...

Posted by Mitch at January 19, 2004 06:06 AM