Is Doctor Neil Clark Warren In The House?

Kristine Holmgren latest screed in the Strib ("Beware words of love in a land of deception") could be viewed as more of the same vacuous, leftycoddly twaddle that she usually writes.

It could also be viewed as a cry for help.

Or maybe...just maybe...it could be viewed as something potentially positive. That is, rather than being dismissed as either the Goebbelsy recitation of DFL tropes, or a strangled plea for more boom-boom disguised as a political screed from a person whose jobs and public persona frown on the former and utter lack of analytical skill preclude the latter, it can be seen as the beginning of something new, something potentially beautiful.

So with that in mind, let's rewrite Rev./Ms. Holmgren's screed in the form of a personals ad.

Let's get started:

Curvy, Middle-Aged Creative seeking fixer-upper:

He was easy to love. Middle-aged, gray and craggy, his face was lined with laughter, experience. And I thought I saw something else as well.

Must share my love of facile labels and self-absorbed cultural references:

His smile projected an irresistible knee-jerk honesty. When I looked at him, I saw my soulmate -- another baby boomer with a hunger for truth, justice and the American way.

Me: Feet planted firmly in clouds

From the first day I saw him, I knew he was a champion. I marveled at how my Valentine flattened the mendacity of colleagues at the office. He was a fearless soldier of sincerity, a warrior in the battle against the reckless lies of the sometimes silly employer we then served.

And just a little cheap...

And so when he offered to buy me a Valentine martini, I thought the gods were delivering me to bliss.

I was easy to get.

...and prone to falling for easy-to-swallow lines...

He told me he loved me on our first date, and I believed him. I believed everything he said.

My eyes were unforgettable. No one had skin as soft as mine, teeth as white, arms as welcoming, kisses as warm. He'd searched for me for more than 30 years. I was his treasure, his sweet, blue-eyed girl.

So I will think of him today, as I watch my coworkers open cards attached to bouquets of red roses.

I will remember the plans he made for us. Paris in May. Biking Lake Superior in July.

And I will remember the lesson I learned. I am easily deceived, and I live in a land of deception. .

...but only when it comes to romance! Honest! When it comes to politics, nosirreebob! I'm dead-on! When it comes to romance, I'm a regular Tara Reid - but you can still trust my keen understanding of politics and my stringent digging past the sound bites and slogans!

Bill Clinton did not have sex with that woman. George W. Bush had evidence of weapons of mass destruction. Richard Nixon was not a crook. .

Although I'm a bit of a drama queen with a curious facility to weave facile orthodoxy into the most mundane stories:

With lies as grand as this, how can I punish tiny lies like his? It is not easy to be true.

Simple, decent people assault us with tidy, well-considered lies each day. The check is in the mail. Your call will be answered in the order it was received. It was nice meeting you. James Frey is a great memoirist.

We'll keep your résumé on file. The war in Iraq can be won.

You must also get the little facts straight, just like I do:

Samuel Alioto [sic] has no opinion on Roe vs. Wade.

And maybe, just maybe, you should have a tiny little taste for the kinky

Now, this won't hurt a bit..

You: Knee must jerk on command.

No photo, no response.

Kristine Holmgren is an ordained Presbyterian pastor and writer. .

But on the upside, impotent rage makes a wonderful companion.

Send any inquiries to:

Personals
Staff Lounge
Star Tribune
425 Portland Avenue
Crime-Free Minneapolis, MN 55555

Best of luck, Kris. Should be the start of big things for ya.

Don't say I never did any favors for you.

Posted by Mitch at February 15, 2006 12:03 PM | TrackBack