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October 24, 2005

Things I Detest Almost Beyond Reason

  • Ed, Edd and Eddie - There have been many cartoons that have gone beyond "I don't get it", and swerved into actively pissing me off; Cat/Dog, Cow and Chicken, Tom Meets The Mayor, The Oblongs all irritate me to one degree or another. I never liked Ren and Stimpy, and even Spongebob Squarepants' endless repetition starts sanding my nerve endings to a raw pulp after a few minutes. But Ed, Edd and Eddie is the worst cartoon on the air today, or maybe ever; it combines artistic ineptitude (it looks like it's drawn by people with crayons taped to their noses), the most grating voice-overs in history (I could describe the irritating traits, but then I'd just get angry, and worse, it might tempt some of you to watch, which would defeat my goal), and writing that - how to describe it? - is desperately unfunny. Wanna get me to talk? Stick me in a room with this garbage on a permanent loop.
  • "Babe", by Styx - The rule, of course, when grading music by Styx - the seventies arena pomp-rock warhorse - is this: If it's sung by Dennis DeYoung - the singer with the high, whiny voice who sang "Come Sail Away", "Babe" and "Mr. Roboto", as opposed to Tommy "Blue Collar Man" Shaw or John James "Miss America" Young - dock a grade point. If it's written by Dennis DeYoung, dock another. If Dennis DeYoung plays both the Fender Rhodes Piano and the foofy synthesizer in the song, dock another grade point. If Dennis DeYoung sings about the rigors of life on the road as a huge rock star, dock another. If Dennis DeYoung's song involves science fiction (starships, robots) or deep openings of the heart, dock yet another. By my count, then, "Babe" starts with a solid "F", even before we start taking apart the oozy-sappy lyircs, gloppy harmonies and just general awfulness. It was as if all the poison of the worst of seventies pop-art-rock came gushing out in a huge, collective spasm of cultural vomiting, leaving a bucket of "Babe". This song is associated with most of the worst memories from my senior year of high school
  • Those EHarmony ads.
  • Expending much energy describing my irritation with a musician - and then hearing a song I not just like, but genuinely love. I have never been able to stand much of John Mayer's oeuvre - but I heard a song of his on the radio the other day that was just stunningly good. I have no idea what it was. Argh!
  • People for whom it's not enough to plaster a car with moronic bumper stickers; they have to create foot-tall messages out of colored tape that cover entire trunks or side panels.
  • The all-purpose use of the word "dude".
That'll do for now.

UPDATE: James Young, not John Young. Side note: How pathetic is it that I don't remember my daughter's social security number - but I can remember the names of all five original members of Styx? I said original, mind you, fully aware that Tommy Shaw didn't replace Chuck Curulewski until 1976.

I need coffee.

Posted by Mitch at October 24, 2005 06:06 AM | TrackBack
Comments

Yeah, tell me about it! "Babe" was the number one hit for a while when I was in middle school, and firmly sealed Styx's reputation as a "girl band". Recording and promoting songs like that might get you laid more, but guys are going to stop buying your records. The same thing happened to REO Speedwagon at the same time with "High Infidelity". Chicks dug that album like crazy.

Then AC/DC came back with "For Those About To Rock...", and we had an antidote.

Posted by: Dave in Pgh. at October 24, 2005 07:32 AM

Dude.

Posted by: the elder at October 24, 2005 07:36 AM

Dude, I should do a huge sign on my car letting everyone know how much I love Styx!

*sucks*

I'm reminded of a bit from MST3K: "You know, hell works better when it's a lot more subtle. Here, uh, I'll give you an example. Crow, uh, what do you think of Adolph Hitler?"

" Well, I hate him, naturally."

"Right, now, uh, what do you think of the band Styx?"

"Well, you know, they had one or two decent- oh, my God, you're right!"

Posted by: Jay Reding at October 24, 2005 07:48 AM

One of the funniest "host segments" of MST ever.

The Eds: What a horrible cartoon. However, I personally think "Tom Goes to the Mayor" may be the worst out there. It's poorly drawn and simply not funny, but it's "random," so someone thinks it is...somewhere. It's part of the new "Crappy animation and dumb people are funny" type of humor that needs to be nipped in the bud before Adult Swim decends any further. Then again, I've yet to see Squidbillies, which looks like it may be more of the same.

Posted by: Jerry Leigh at October 24, 2005 08:23 AM

Jerry ,
Re: Squidbillies

Just one quick phrase:

Run, save yourself

Posted by: chaosfish at October 24, 2005 08:29 AM

Dude, Its JAMES Young. Not that it really matters, apparently.

Posted by: Patrick at October 24, 2005 08:30 AM

Everytime I hear even a little bit of that song (not often, since the stations that play Gorka Lovett, Prine, Snider, etc. do not EVER play any Styx.), I feel the urge to go searching through the old cassettes for "Half-Penny, Two-Penny", or somesuch "real" Styx.

But I wisely refrain, and put in some Tull instead.

Posted by: jackscrow at October 24, 2005 08:59 AM

Everytime I hear even a little bit of that song (not often, since the stations that play Gorka Lovett, Prine, Snider, etc. do not EVER play any Styx.), I feel the urge to go searching through the old cassettes for "Half-Penny, Two-Penny", or somesuch "real" Styx.

But I wisely refrain, and put in some Tull instead.

Posted by: jackscrow at October 24, 2005 08:59 AM

To E-Harmony add "Hi, how in the world are ya anyway? I'm Andy Willoughby with the three-step plan".
And any dude who likes Styx is gender confused.

Posted by: Kermit at October 24, 2005 09:03 AM

I can tolerate eHarmony, but that "New Windows for America" jingle makes my eye twitch.

Posted by: Nancy at October 24, 2005 09:39 AM

That's "New Windows for AmericAAAAAAAAHHHHHHUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHH," if I'm hearing the lyrics right. But I would gladly listen to that jingle 100X in a row in exchange for never, ever, ever again sitting through the "Bob goes to quit, and is haranged by his utterly insane yet ultimately helpful boss" commercial for Bruce Berman. I turn the radio off.

Posted by: Lileks at October 24, 2005 09:57 AM

Speaking for all cartoonists who work in the nose crayon media...I object to your baseless slander.

Our poorly rendered sketches are a protest against the slick, ready to wear expectations of popular culture.

We reject society's reactionary constraints on our creativity and revel in our artistic ineptitude.

Posted by: swiftee at October 24, 2005 10:04 AM

Heh. I actually like "Babe"; my only problem with it is that it was massively overplayed. Mind you, it's no "Don't Sit Down on the Plexiglass Toilet", but then what is?

Of course, on my shelves, Abba is in between the 97th Regimental String Band and AC/DC, so you might want to take that into consideration when weighting my opinion.

Posted by: Doug Sundseth at October 24, 2005 11:00 AM

When one stops listening to commercial music radio, as I did in the mid eighties, one forgets how so much truly awful music enjoys widespread popularity. Styx. Foreigner. Kansas. Rush. Journey. And that is just from that general era. I shudder to think about how much hideous stuff I have missed in the last 20 years.

Of course, I always hated Boston and Fleetwood Mac, along with disliking Steely Dan, as well, so most people don't share my tastes.

Posted by: Will Allen at October 24, 2005 11:31 AM

You're lumping Rush in with Styx, Foreigner, Kansas, and Journey? Dude...

The Berman "Take This Job & Shove It" ads are insufferable, but the one that currently causes me to bail the fastest is the Miller Chev ditty.

Winter, Spring, Summer, Fallin'
The roads of Minnesota are Callin'

Something about the way the guys sings fallin' and callin' makes me want to take a twelve gauge to the radio.

Posted by: the elder at October 24, 2005 12:57 PM

Dude - are you hatin' on Rush and Steely Dan????

What's the matter with you, babe?

Posted by: LearnedFoot at October 24, 2005 02:01 PM

I used to love Styx when I was in High School and then as a Freshman in college. Loved them! Had all their albums, listened to them endlessly.

Then, Mr. Roboto came out.

The scales fell from my eyes. That one album (hell, that one song) poisoned all the love I ever had for the group.

I realized then that they were a talentless band with no shame and no integrity.

Threw their albums out. Danced disco on them. Moved on.

Posted by: Pious Agnostic at October 24, 2005 03:42 PM

Mitch,
I concur on John Mayer. Most everything I've heard is the worst kind of pop music, so I was pleasantly surprised to hear the recent song "Stiched Up" which is quite good. It's the opening track on the CD "Possibilities" which is a CD of collaborative music that Herbie Hancock put together for Starbucks. Hope this helps, and if you need some good coffee, see Chad.

Posted by: Jonathan at October 24, 2005 06:01 PM

Kicker is, I know Mayer's a great guitar player. Even when I can't stand his music, he's really pretty amazing as a player.

I think the song was "Why Georgia". Weird - it started out pretty dreary, but ended up a pretty cool song.

Posted by: mitch at October 24, 2005 07:03 PM

James Young was a much better guitar player, but Tommy Shaw had the blonde-pop thing the record company really NEEDED out of Styx...

Too bad. They were a great band.

ken

Posted by: Ken Barnes at October 25, 2005 12:29 AM

Hearing that hideous "Tom Sawyer" dreck by Rush is enough to make howling cats wish they were dead.

I don't actually hate Steely Dan; it is inoffensive elevator music, if one likes that sort of thing.

Posted by: Will Allen at October 25, 2005 09:25 AM

Mitch,
I actually remember Curelewski being another John... they refered to James Young as JY and John Curelewski as JC.

Therefore I am the:

Biggest.
Styx.
Geek.
Ever.

Posted by: badda-blogger at October 26, 2005 10:24 AM
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