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February 25, 2005

Open Letter to Air America Twin Cities

AM950 is the Twin Cities' FrankenNet affiliate. The General Manager is Janet Robert, a very wealthy woman who likes to toss the jing around in pursuit of political positioning (vide her 2002 Congressional run against Kennedy).

Maam, I'd like to start with a little homily:

It was September of 1979. It was my first aircheck review with my boss at my first radio station.

He rolled the tape. The list of radio sins got off to an early start, and kept on going:

  • My breathing was atrocious
  • While reading news, I sounded like I was reading rather than talking. "Say it, don't read it!, he'd bellow from his office after a bad newscast.
  • I mispronounced a word or two
  • I had no idea how I was going into half of the breaks
  • I just kept on talking during one break - "verbal diarrhea", the boss called it.
I thought about the extensive criticism, the many opportunities for improvement that had been presented to me by this man with thirty years' experience in the business to my four weeks.

And I replied "Screw You".

He looked at me and smiled. "You're right! Screw me! I have no idea what I'm talking about! I'm 49 and have been in the biz since 1949, and you are 16 and started here four weeks ago - I don't know what I was thinking!"

I sure set him straight. The lesson; being a broadcast poster child for the Peter Principle on the radio is perfectly fine, as long as you do it loudly enough!

Of course, Ms. Robert, it wasn't actually I who said "screw you". That was, according to little bird, your morning drive air "talent" Nick Coleman, referring to bloggers who criticized his program on technical rather than political grounds (that'd be me), and demonstrating his Wildean (Wendy, not Oscar) wit and suave, sophisticated argumentation style as usual. Cicero weeps, indeed - your station's website says you "make big brother cry for mama", and I know that after hearing that, I'm sure looking for my kevlar jockstrap. Yessirreebob.

Anyway.

I realize that in the rush to cash in on the bonanza that is Air America, you neglected to hire any staff with any actual radio experience (except for Wild Wendy - and let's be honest, in a fair world she'd be doing the "Action Auction" in DuBuque. But if you're committed to keeping her, here's a tip; before an interview - Valium. Or warm milk. Anything) or knowledge of promotions (your website doesn't list any current events - you think people are going to pay to learn about station events? Note to FrankenNet listeners; I have a beachfront timeshare in Bismark for you).

So in the spirit of improving the art of radio, I'd like to offer to consult with your station on teaching some of your "air talent" the basics of radio. Little things like...

...well, specific can wait. If you read back far enough, there's plenty. I'm not cheap - but either is abject market failure.

Keep in mind that politics plays no role in this offer; a listenable hour of radio is above politics, in my book. It'd be fun to work in a market with a viable opposition radio station - which, sad to say, AAo'M950 is not - a station where one can wrangle with the other guys/gals' ideas wrather than the fact that they sound like someone you hired after an indiscreet night of pineapple kamikazes and loose contracts, or producers who sound like they should be manning the drive-through speaker. Everything about your local programming - every minute of it - sound amateurish. Which causes people to tune out - I'd bet money that in six months, Coleman's numbers will be below Marc Maron's, whatever they were.

I realize that I might arouse the ire of the vast Coleman listening public by writing this, and that they might deluge me with an email or inundate the NARN show with a call.

But to me, good radio is above mere politics.

Have your people call my people, 'kay?

Posted by Mitch at February 25, 2005 08:00 AM | TrackBack
Comments

Oh, Wendy Wilde is on the ultra-liberal station now ? Boy, how time flies. I know someone who went on a date with her back when she was single and doing mornings in St. Cloud about 7 or 8 years ago. Probably wouldn't have worked out anyway. He's a Republican who owns guns and supports the death penalty...

Posted by: Just Me at February 25, 2005 10:53 AM

Didn't Robert run against Kennedy? I think Luther ran against Kline in 2002.

LF

Posted by: LearnedFoot at February 25, 2005 10:53 AM

Doh!

Posted by: mitch at February 25, 2005 11:05 AM

It's sad how you miss the point, Mitch. This isn't about professional, listenable radio. It's about affirmative action for the broadcaster's self-esteem. Through your destructive insistence on arbitrary standards of so-called "professionalism", you have once again proved how insensitive and narrow-minded all conservatives are. ;-)

Posted by: Lars Walker at February 25, 2005 11:05 AM

Nick Coleman was not a move to boost station ratings. I actually enjoyed Morning Sedition.

I think Janet Robert just decided that it wasn't fair for local conservative bloggers to have a show, and their guy didn't. The new patriot guys must be ticked that they didn't their own NARN like show. Except they'd have a hard time filling the air.

Posted by: rick at February 25, 2005 01:57 PM

Rick - interesting point.

Hey, NewPats? Have you approached Janet Robert yet? You couldn't be any worse than Coleman, or more shrilly innocuous than Wild Wendy. (And when I way "you couldn't", I mean of course you could, but at least y'all'd have an excuse...)

Think of the cross-promotional possibilities...

Posted by: mitch at February 25, 2005 02:41 PM
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