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November 08, 2004

Moore's Wrists - A Preponderance of Evidence

After the election, Michael Moore posted 17 reasons for Democrats not to "slit their wrists" over the outcome of the election.

Not to speak for Kerry supporters, but in the interest of equal time, I thought I'd present some countervailing reasons why Mr. Moore might like to check out. I'll leave the means up to him.

  1. While it's against the law for Bush to run again (good thing for you guys - next election, he'd win 55-44), we have Mitt Romney, Condi Rice, Tim Pawlenty, Jeb Bush, and many more. Who do the Dems have? A woman with higher negatives than Lucretia Borgia. Start the tub, Michael.
  2. Was the margin the "NARROWEST for a sitting president..." ever? So what? Nobody cares. Bush increased his margin over 2000, and built the basis for yet another off-year increase. I suggest the hunting knife
  3. In your list, you played "The only age group in which the majority voted for Kerry was young adults" like it was good news. It's not. The young 'n dumb vote has always broken left. And yet once they get married, have kids, and start paying taxes, they are not only moving right, but doing it younger and faster and more intensely than ever before. Maybe the .38 would hurt less?
  4. You say that "In spite of Bush's win, the majority of Americans still think the country is headed in the wrong direction (56%)". Right. And yet only 48% of the people think your guy (and you, Michael Moore) have the answers. Why is that? Maybe a whole bottle of prozac.
  5. The Republican majority isn't filibuster-proof. Whoop-di-doo. How would you like to be the Democrat candidate going before the voters in '06 with nothing but a bunch of mindless filibustering to show for the past two years? Maybe jumping off the top of the GM headquarters would be just the right statement.
  6. The red states are growing. The blue states are shrinking.
  7. Did I say blue states? Look at the national maps of results by county; there are really no "blue states", except for maybe Vermont. There are about 47 "red states", with a number of blue cities mixed in. The Democrat party is like the South Vietamese Government - they control the cities, and little else. Does your assistant have any rope?
  8. Ohio beat Michigan. And it may have been because of you. Personally. Rope, schmope - your belt'll do.
  9. You said "88% of Bush's support came from white voters. In 50 years, America will no longer have a white majority. Hey, 50 years isn't such a long time! If you're ten years old and reading this, your golden years will be truly golden and you will be well cared for in your old age." Racism is a dying trait, Moore. Whoops - your belt is too long. You could try to hang yourself off the second floor and still hit ground. Back to the drawing board.
  10. All your whining about gay marriage will likely set the cause back a decade. Turn on the oven and open the door...
  11. If you think the return of Cynthia McKinney is good news, you are clearly beyond human hope. Damn, the oven is electric - another protest against Halliburton gone horribly wrong.
  12. The CEO of Coors was defeated by a guy who may have been to Coors' right on a lot of issues. Maybe running the car into a bridge...?
  13. And you lost four seats in the Senate. Damn, you live in a swanky Manhattan apartment, so you don't drive. Damn damn damn...
  14. The Bush Twins will clobber your ass at the polls in 20 years. Maybe self-defenestration?
  15. Your gains in state houses were largely aberrations...
  16. ...and didn't help your presidential candidate one iota. You'd land on your stomach and bounce to your feet.
  17. Reagan was a lame-duck president fighting a hostile Congress when he achieved his greatest victory, the Cold War. Maybe dynamite?
  18. Given the record of his first term, Bush is equally as likely to create a legacy that will sweep his opponent into office as his is to screw up.
  19. Given his majority in Congress, the odds get shorter.
  20. The "Dumb guy" beat you. Again.
  21. Finally, while as you say "over 55 million Americans voted for the candidate dubbed "The #1 Liberal in the Senate." That's more than the total number of voters who voted for either Reagan, Bush I, Clinton or Gore.", nearly 60 million of us voted for the compassionate conservative, nearly 50% more than voted for Clinton in 1992, and again, more than voted for Reagan, Dad, Clinton or Gore. And nearly 5 million more than voted for Kerry. OK - maybe chronic suicide by arteriesclerosis is the answer. You're well on your way.
That's 21, bigfella. Your mission is clear.

DISCLAIMER: No, I don't want Michael Moore to off himself. If people would just see what a complete intellectual non-factor he is, it'd suffice.

Posted by Mitch at November 8, 2004 04:02 AM | TrackBack
Comments

That was one of the best written posts. Leave it to an early riser to hit the road running.

Mickey unMoored. For all of you that don't have your own opinion.

Posted by: Mike at November 8, 2004 05:11 AM

Loved it Mitch! Except for the part about Michigan. It was MICHIGAN STATE!!! Cow College not the "Champions of the West." And I refuse to let Moore ruin the game for me week after next.

By the way, you don't need a disclaimer. It's payback for the city pages and the Guardian. And a hell of lot funnier.

Posted by: Margaret at November 8, 2004 09:15 AM

and boring

Posted by: Johnson at November 8, 2004 04:12 PM
hi