The Babs Test

Rachel Lucas got this petition drive in the mail. Supposedly it has seven thousand signatures.

The HUSH Petition (Help Us Silence Hollywood, or, more informally, Up Babs')
We, the undersigned, being of sound mind and strong viewership, would like to petition both Hollywood and the news media in order to restrain celebrities (movie & TV stars, pop & rock stars, producers, directors, etc.) from capitalizing on their celebritihood to sound off on whatever issue-du-jour comes rolling along to which they must bear witness. It is our deeply held belief that, on an extremely sunny day, only 1/2 of one percent of these stars could pass an entry-level college final relating to the political event for which their feet are oft found wedged deeply in their mouths (see B. Streisand, A. Baldwin, M. Moore, H. Belafonte, S. Penn, J. Fonda, W. Harrelson, M. Sheen, E. Asner, J. Lange, et al, etc., ad nauseam) and thereby merit no ink nor air time. It is ruinous enough for the civic culture to hear TV anchors who wouldn't know a "demand curve" from their elbow yammer on and on about the economy, but the glitterati sermonizing to us about America!?

It's clearly time to demand some evidence of educated brain waves prior to handing the public megaphone to celebrities. It is also our belief that if not for showing off their silicon, facelifts, and/or hairplugs on the silver screen, most of these knuckleheads would be modeling underwear at Wal-Mart, working third tier escort services in Jersey, or removing asbestos from tire factories in Detroit. And, as such, the news industry must restrain from entering these vacuous remarks into the public domain until said celeb has passed the appropriate college-level test corresponding to their tirade at hand.

Say, for instance, a Cher belches out that Bush is poisoning our drinking water. Prior to this being placed into the public domain for mass digestion by the news media, it is essential that Cher immediately take, and receive a passing grade on, a college-level Chemistry final. Or the next time a Madonna flatulates that the Republicans are Nazis, Madonna must promptly pass an upper-level history exam on the National Socialist Party's rise to power in 1920's Germany. Or when a Babs bladders poetically about the Hollywood Blacklist, she must drop everything and write a 1,000-word essay (using Spellcheck, of course) on The Gulag Archipelago by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn and also get 80 percent or above on a pop quiz regarding Stalin’s pact with Hitler, just for good measure.

In essence, the protocol defined in this petition places the burden on celebrities to first prove that their IQs are deeper than their makeup before their opinions, and other like tantrums, see the light of day.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Fly-Over Country

Perhaps what we need, a la P.J. O'Rourke's classic book, "The Enemies List", is to start a new "Black List" of limo lefties, condo pinks, piddlers on merit and greenshirts that need a group razz.

Hmm...

Posted by Mitch at November 22, 2002 10:38 AM