Sexy Class' Looks Pave Way

Laura Billings, Pioneer Press Staff Columnist

Minnesota singles who have longed to date lingerie models will no longer be required to do anything inconvenient — like actually attract the objects of their desires.

After Monday's public round-table to discuss the recently green-lighted plan to socialize dating in the Twin Cities, we're speeding closer to the day when homely 40-something guys can demand evenings on the town with those poor undewear models, who spend hours every day keeping themselves in line with the current cultural concept of "beauty".

Now, there are naysayers who claim this sort of law sets up a two-tiered society, where enough persistence allows a schlemiel to cruise past all the quotidian nuisances that come from having to actually appeal, romantically, to the lingerie models. And yet, why should someone who has worked hard for his sore knees, worry lines, mortgage, and kids be forced to date similar women, while two 20-something hipsters cruise by on the way to an evening at Chino and Quest?? It just doesn't seem fair.

A lot of Minnesotans seem to agree. The measure enjoyed bipartisan support in the Legislature this spring. And according to a Minnesota Department of Dating survey of 400 metro residents last winter, 40 percent were in favor of requiring lingerie models to date guys once reserved for women their own age.

If this idea is so popular with people, it makes you wonder why we're not adopting a similar convenience law for all the other annoyances of modern life that force us to deal with reality?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not really Laura Billings. This is actually Mitch. But it was fun taking a little walk through the psyche of a class-warrior like that.

For example, let's look at her next notion:

Say you're at the grocery store after 5 p.m., and every checkout lane is backed up to the bread section, all except for the "10 items or fewer" express lane. For a reasonable premium, you ought to be able to haul your 116-item cart up to that register and speed right through. The folks who actually followed the rules and chose fewer than 10 items will still get to use the express lane — it will just move a little slower now that you're in it. That seems fair.

Well, you CAN already do that one better! For a VERY small fee, you can have the groceries brought to your house; when I'm working, Simon Delivers is one of my absolute favorite conveniences (and I don't even own an SUV). In Ms. Billings' world, this is immoral!

Or how about this:

Or how about when you get to the movies right during the trailers only to find out that the theater is practically full and that there's someone — probably some sad sack who didn't have anything better to do than to get to the movies on time — sitting in your favorite center aisle seat. Well, for a convenience surcharge on top of the regular price, you should be able to bypass the ticket line, have the kids at the concession stand hand you your pre-ordered popcorn and Jujubes, while the ushers move the guy who got there before you over to another seat, right against the wall. If you paid a little more for the privilege, that's fair, right?

Laura! How about the poor people who are kept out of the theatre altogether because they don't have the money to get in in the first place? Isn't that equally disturbing? Why, those fatcat moviegoers should be ashamed!

Billings continues:

Just imagine how wonderful our lives would be if we could store up all of this privilege on a little electronic convenience card.

You could swipe it and bypass the hour-long line for the ladies' room at Dixie Chicks and Norah Jones concerts. You could flash it and move your kids to the head of the waiting lists of the selective colleges they didn't quite make it into.

That's already what happens, Laura.

And if you ever needed a kidney transplant, you could run that thing through the scanner and cut a few years off your wait time. Ah, what a beautiful user-fee world it could be, if we would just give our legislators the chance.

Ipse David Crosby.

After all, if you can afford to pay, shouldn't you be the first to play?

Depends, Ms. Billings.

At the polls? In court? With the police? Before the eyes of G-d? Absolutely not.

But since the subject is an underutilized lane, built at excruciating cost to the taxpayers 15 years ago and which draws only the faintest film of carpoolers (because people just don't work like that these days!), why not make the state a few bucks?

And if you're so concerned, Ms. Billings, by all means feel free to chip in a few quarters so the underprivileged can drive and park easier.

Oh, wait - that'd make it personal, wouldn't it?

Posted by Mitch at June 17, 2003 10:56 AM