Kids TV - This is

Kids TV - This is the first summer in memory the kids have had TV.

I'm only exaggerating a little. Two years ago, our TV broke just about the time school let out. At least, that's what I told the kids. There was nothing wrong with it, of course - I just wanted to see what would happen if they went a few weeks without TV. The experiment lasted all summer. The results were astounding; when school let out, my son was reading at a second-grade level (which was fine, since he was in second grade). The next fall, he tested at a fifth-grade level. Or forget about the assessments (which are frequently bogus) if you'd like; he cordially hated reading in May, and he audibly loved it in September.

Last year, the TV actually did break right about the time school let out. I didn't bother replacing it until the fall. No problems - the kids never really even asked me to fix it.

This year, since I'm home full time, I left the TV alone. Yep, I'm that awful parent who uses the TV to babysit, when nothing else jumps to mind. Mea Culpa.

No, I keep it to a relative minimum. But I've heard a lot of what passes for kids' TV this summer (heard, not seen; I usually hear it in the background while I'm working, cooking, or whatever. The biggest impression for me, by the way, is the theme songs. Oh, lordy, the theme songs.

The shocking part isn't that so much of it is as bad as it is. The real shock is that so much of it isn't horrible.

A partial list:

• Rocket Power (Nickelodeon) - When "Rug Rats" came out all those long years ago, I (and lots of parents) waffled back and forth; is this cartoon fairly decent, or is it irritatingly awful? "Rocket Power" - which seems to be about a bunch of adolescent Rug Rats on skateboards - shows that it could have been either, or both; its hamfisted animation manages to make stunt skateboarding look dull, and its hammer-to-the-forehead dull storylines make Rug Rats' cutesy baby tales seem pretty good in retrospect. The theme song - faux surfer punk that combines the Offspring's sound with the pure irritation of Dexter Holland's voice, with none of Holland's wry humor, is a harbinger of tedium. D-
• The Amanda Show (Nickelodeon> - Amanda Bynes is to Hillary Duff what the Dave Clark Five were to the Beatles; why buy one when you can have the other? The funny part - most of the kids watching it are completely unaware of the irony of the show's format (a "variety" show, with music, a monologue, and endless, groaningly repetitive skits - like a grammar school Carol Burnett). Bynes can act - she was just fine in the surprisingly good Big Fat Liar with Frankie Muniz and Bart Giamatti. But the show is so dull, even my kids tune it out. Unfortunately, they don't do it in time to tune out the show's wretched theme song - "Amandamandamandamanda, AmandamandamandamanDA, Amandamandamandamandamanmanmanda shoooooooooow", which could be used to wrench testimony from the most dedicated mafioso. D+.
• Ed, Edd and Eddie (Cartoon Network) - Easily the worst cartoon ever made. The show seems to be about three kids named Ed - a retarded one (done with the most grating voiceover in the history of psychological warfare), a nerd and a criminal. They try to scam their friends...oh, who cares? I'm not sure which is worse - the fact that the animation actually, physically induces a headache, or that there was obviously some intelligence spent (misspent) on this show; it's clear that there is some sort of writing and animation talent in the crew behind the show. It's just all gone terribly, terribly wrong. I cordially hate this show, and have taken to turning it off immediately. Ironically, the theme song - which sounds like it was lifted from a faux big-band, perhaps the Squirrel Nut Zippers - is one of the best of the bunch. It doesnt' save it from its grade, G- (I needed a grade worse than F).
• Lizzie McGuire (Disney) - Surprisingly un-awful. PC, of course, but not relentlessly so. Clever. The parents are portrayed as relentlessly dim, but that's to be expected (especially on Disney, which seems to have declared war on parental respect). Hillary Duff has a future - not that you'd know from the dismal "Lizzie McGuire Movie" (oh, the kids programming I've had to sit through...). The theme song - a not-entirely-unpleasant bit of powerpop treacle - would make a better single than any of Duff's upcoming onslaught of songs. B-.
• Sister, Sister (Disney) - On SNL in the mid-nineties, there was a spoof Afro-American game show starring Chris Rock. First prize was something fairly innocuous. Second prize? "Your own series on the WB!". The only reason I remember this was that the skit flashed a little graphic showing a bunch of circa-1995 WB shows, including one showing...Sister Sister. Well, Disney has exhumed this one (as they did "Boy Meets World", of which more later). That it shows everything that's wrong with the WB is obvious; the relentless pandering to the lowest common denominator among the Afro-American audience has to be insulting. The worst part, though? No, not the awful and unappealing Mowry twins. Not even the atrocious Jackee, who has to be the Amos and Andy of the 1990s. No, it's the fact that it stars Tim Reid. Reid is a wonderful actor (He was Venus Flytrap on WKRP, and he starred in the wonderful, underappreciated Frank's Place in the late eighties), writer and producer; that he's had to sink to this to earn a living is a tragedy. The theme song - a dismal piece of pseudo hip hop - signals drear. D
• That's So Raven (Disney) - Not as bad as I'd expected. Theme song is dismal fake-hop, and the show is pretty predictable. But it's one of few shows that still do old-fashioned, Lucille-Ball-style pratfalls 'n slapstick, and does it fairly well. C.
• Boy Meets World - Another show rescued from the networks, BMW (which ran a total of seven years, but is still unescapable in reruns) is relentlessly earnest, occasionally very well-written, and featured the crusty William Daniels playing a crusty teacher. Theme song? Good question. The show had at least three, all of them variations on one power-pop theme or another. C+
• Even Stevens (Disney) - Too good for kids. Sends up most of the PC cliches of kids programming with a nudge and a wink. The scheming little brother Louis (Shia LaBoeuf, whose unforgivable name is balanced by some talent - he starred in the excellent adaptation of Holes) is very clever, and the older sister Ren (Christy Romano) is the best pseudo-conservative teenager since Alex Keaton; she's a fine role model indeed. The music is often relentlessly clever, the writing is sharp, the parents are played less as morons than like true founts of comic wierdness. The show is a pleasantly twisted treat. The theme song is fairly generic, but very identifiable, fake rockabilly. A

I'm not sure which is worse - the fact that I could actually write a column about kids' TV, or that I'm sitting here wondering which shows I've missed...

Posted by Mitch at August 21, 2003 08:56 AM