Dream On, Guys - The

Dream On, Guys - The Fraters and the Monkeys have been having an extended discussion about carving up and partitioning North Dakota. The Fraters' Elder started the discussion:

I say enough is enough. I know that life in North Dakota is harsh and hopeless (I lived there for five years after all) and that they have come to Minnesota in search of a better life for themselves and their families. And it's true that talk radio is a menial job that most native Minnesotans consider beneath them. But I believe we're starting to lose our cultural identity as the latest wave of North Dakotans seem less and less inclined to assimilate. Today Marlsand was talking about baking bread on his show, a decidely unMinnesotan (at least for males) hobby shared by one Mitch Berg. What's next? An hour on the proper way to prepare lefsa?

The time has come to send a clear message to huddled masses in North Dakota, waiting for their chance to come to the promised land. Minnesota is full. Stay home. Especially you talk radio hosts.

Well, the secret's out - yes, I am an economic refugee. I came here for a...well, not so much a "better life" as a life where garage bands could have a chance for a better life.

But we North Dakotans are like the people from India that currently dominate American technology - we're hard-working, industrious, and we apply ourselves to things in a way that Minnesotans don't seem to anymore. That's why we have such commanding numbers in the fields of talk radio, technical support, newspaper columnists and special ed teachers.

Elder posted yesterday:

While we're at it why not merge North and South Dakota? I mean really what's the point of having two Dakotas anyway? It's confusing to the media on both coasts and is just a duplication of resources. One Dakota. One big empty expanse of land. Dakota for the Dakotans I say.

A lot of people have noted that "East Dakota" and "West Dakota" make a lot more sense - divide the states at the Missouri River and the Time Zone Line.

But that's neither here nor there: the Elder has bigger plans yet:

If Rick is indeed willing to return to defend his homeland, then perhaps my plans could be amended to include a Free Otter State, running from just west of Alexandria to Rothsay (home to the world's largest prairie chicken) with its capital at Fergus Falls. It would of course be a vassal state to Minnesota but could serve as a critical buffer and first line of defense against the Dakotans.

Don't bother defending yourself. A Dakotas nation would nearly-perfectly reflect the great Scandinavian tradition - nearly bipolar passive-aggression. Minnesota'd push the Dakotas...the Dakotas'd give, and give, and give a little more...

...and suddenly a wave of old-yet-well-maintained F-250s loaded with normally-taciturn, flannel-clad guys would sweep across the border and be grilling their venison at the gates to Minneapolis before the Minnesotans would have their feasability study on defense finished.

The Dakotas aren't a sleeping giant, to be sure. They're more like the handyman that never says much, until he gets shorted one too many times, and then hauls off with the pipe wrench.

Don't mess with North Dakota, bucko.

Posted by Mitch at October 15, 2003 06:03 AM