TV Romance

I've been single - again - for just about four years now. I've gone out with a woman or two - or 68 - in that time. And as a result, I think I know what's wrong with this country.

Romance, TV-style.

The PiPress over the weekend featured an article by Barbara Buchholtz, "Blind to Mr. Right." The scary part is, I think I've gone out with quite a few of the women in the article.

"We're seven attractive, smart, successful women who are used to getting everything we want," she says. Several are also waiting for a thunderbolt to strike. "Everyone says you know it when you meet him. There's magic. With my former husband, there were no bells, but I thought we'd have a nice comfortable life and get along," she says.

"I'll know when I meet him." Sounds reasonable on the surface, doesn't it?

But you have to read it literally: When I meet him. Not on the third date. Not after two hours of conversation over coffee. Within the first minute.

And to get the chance at that first minute, you have to leap some fairly rigorous hurdles these days. Buchholtz starts out:

If the fairy tales were rewritten, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White and Cinderella wouldn't be so quick to head off with their princes once they kissed or found the lost slipper.

They first would pull out a checklist for him — good looks, passion, an impressive job, net worth, nice wardrobe and trendy vacations — to be sure their suitors measured up.

Buchholtz is very close. That's all part of it.

But for all-too-many women (and, I presume, guys, although I haven't dated any of them), once the bona-fides and the income and the wardrobe have been gone over it boils down to one word: Chemistry. In science, Chemistry is a discipline defined by empirical reason. In dating, it's the reading of sheep entrails - no, worse, since entrails entailed some sort of at least nodding acquaintance with empiricism. It's the opposite of reason; the notion that one can be swept away at first sight due to forces beyond anyone's control. It's "that special something" that nobody can define, but everyone knows the results.

A woman I briefly dated (and with whom I felt no "chemistry") called it: "Chemistry is that feeling you have in the back of your head that says 'I know I just met you, but I am attracted enough to want to sleep with you long before I know I should."

In dating today, we see a mixture of old and new values: For centuries, marriage had little to do with romance; they were as much financial transactions as anything, as they are still in much of the world. About a hundred years ago, that started changing in the West, and romance - including the "love at first sight" fairy tale.

Today? It seems only both will do. Perhaps it's because women's roles have changed; not so much their overt roles in work and society, but their unstated roles; the notion that men, or "their" man, is there to protect them and their children from the depredations of the world is a dead issue today. So there's a practical element to courtship - especially among women for whom ensuring and protecting ones' lifestyle has replaced raising and protecting children as their primary motivation - that that was perhaps less important 30 years ago

Despite their good intentions, part of their prolonged hunt may be because they keep seeking some wrong qualities, says editorial stylist and freelance producer Susan Victoria, of Chicago, who is 57 and single. "So many women want a good catch and won't talk to a man unless he makes a certain amount," she says. "What they should be looking for instead is the right emotional connection."

Pamela Garber, a psychotherapist in South Florida, agrees that too many women set as the goal a certain lifestyle rather than intimacy. "A mate simply becomes another part of the package," she says.

The man and, when you get to that point, the baby as well. Children, for a growing number of couples, have become a lifestyle accessory. But that's fodder for another post. Buchholtz continues:

A prime reason for this phenomenon is that we've become a brand-conscious society.

"Our culture bombards us with messages that if we buy a certain product or service, we won't have to settle for someone who's less than the idealized person the media has created as a benchmark, such as a George Clooney type," says Rob Frankel, author of the self-published "Revenge of Brand X" (Frankel & Anderson Inc., $36.95).

Or the message of "Sex in the City" - that if they and their friends analyze their love lives to a fine sheen, Mr. Perfect will make himself apparent.

In the first sixty seconds, mind you.

(Via Dave's Picks)

Posted by Mitch at November 26, 2003 07:39 AM