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December 22, 2003

Things I Wish I'd Said - Dating Edition

I've been single for four years now. I figure that I've been on at least one date with a total of 72 different women in that time. With some I had second or third dates, a few I dated for a few months, and a couple I went out with for 6-9 months before something or another went wrong. I'm a 41 year old guy who...well, looks 41. I never made the List of Conservative Blog Studs, so I guess life is pretty much over.

Still, I genuinely enjoy meeting women, but while I firmly believe think it's possible that I might meet that special someone someday, it goes without saying that I haven't yet [1]. So I date.

And date.

And date.

And over the course of four years of expensive, soul-destroying masochism meeting all those interesting women, I've encountered, as they say, "all types".

So I present for your morbid enjoyment, "Things I Wished I'd Said to Some Dates Of Mine", 2003 edition.

Woman #1: 36, recently divorced after a two-year separation. Let's call her "Ann". Two young children. Perhaps the most devastatingly attractive woman that I've ever had in my car - long auburn hair, near-supermodel bod in a cocktail dress that left nothing to the imagination. After a date, she sent me an email saying "You're a nice guy, but I just don't feel any chemistry, so I'd rather not see you again". We spoke again at a happenstance meeting, a year later.

MITCH: So, how are you doing, Ann?

ANN: Oh, I've gone out with a few guys. Went out with a couple of them, for a few months. It's been frustrating - I feel the chemistry when we meet, but after a few months, it feels like something's missing.

WHAT MITCH SHOULD HAVE SAID: Let me get this straight - you meet guys, and you only go out with the ones with which you feel "chemistry" immediately? And then you wonder why it fizzles after a few months? You married young, right?

ANN: Yeah, I was 19.

WHAT MITCH SHOULD HAVE SAID THEN: Lemme guess, that was all about "Chemistry,", too, right?

ANN: Well, until the kids came along, sure...

WHAT MITCH SHOULD HAVE SAID: Riiiight. "Chemistry", at least on the first date or three, is nothing but a feeling in the back of your head that says "I know I don't know you very well, but I think I want to sleep with you way before I should". I mean - you expected precisely what from these "Chemistry"-based "relationships?

I'll let you think about the question for a while, sure. Have another "Sex On The Beach"...

Woman #2 - 37 years old, never married, one young child. We'll call her "Leela". We met for drinks, after a week or two of casual phone conversations that seemed vaguely interesting. She used to be a hottie - but years of office life and fast food are catching up with her - every part of her below the neckline is deserting its post under gravity attack. Still, you can see the face of a woman that used to turn heads in bars. Not the Saint Paul Grill, mind you, I'm talking bars like "T-Birds".
LEELA: (Looking disinterested in Mitch, after about two minutes of strained conversation) Yeah, I pretty much go with initial reaction. I figure, if the Chemistry's not there, there's really nothing to keep me interested. Back when I was single before I had my daughter, I met some of the coolest guys when I was out bar-hopping. I just don't feel that on dates anymore, and it bugs me.

WHAT MITCH SHOULD HAVE SAID (on figuring that she was saying she had no interest in him): So you're 37, and you have kid to take care of, and you make all sorts of noises about wanting to find the "right guy", but at every first date, you're sizing the guys up against the bar-hopping "bad boys" you still seem to miss so much? Does anything strike you as...

...oh, never mind.

Woman #3 - 35 year old communications professional, one kid. Let's call her "Lori". Devastatingly attractive at 35 in a way that will look flinty and frumpy in 15 years. Conversation takes place at the end of a first, blind date.
LORI: Well, I gotta be honest. You're not exactly what I look for in the looks department. (Smiles) Hey, I warned you - sometimes people say I'm too honest for my own good!

WHAT MITCH SHOULD HAVE SAID: That's OK. You're not exactly what I look for in the brains department. (Smiles) But hey, I'm too honest for myown good, too.

(The person in the above example may occasionally read this space. Hey, sorry - sometimes I really am too honest for my own good! Although where I come from, it's more often called "Rude, unempathetic and solipsistic.")

Woman #4: Drop-dead gorgeous single mother of two. Let's call her "Julia". We'd had a wonderful first date three weeks earlier. We'd had a couple of phone conversations since then - pleasant, seemingly interested in a second date, but non-committal for various reasons, some of them plausible, others trailing off into space. Then, I got an email:
JULIA (Via email): Hey, Mitch - it was nice meeting you. However, there's someone else I'm going to be dating. So please don't call again. However, your blog is pretty cool - mind if I read it? :-)

WHAT MITCH SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN BACK: Tell it to the Amazon Link in the right margin.

The next date from hell I go on, I swear, I'll do it.

Don't tempt me. I mean it.

[1] OK - Date #71 has serious potential. Although I may have just jinxed it...

Posted by Mitch at December 22, 2003 06:15 AM
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