SCENE: A (probably) fictional meeting at the StarTribune editorial board. Servants bustle about, gathering cocktail glasses and the picked over remains of lobster from the table. Publisher Steve GROVE presides, as David BANKS, Jill BURCUM, Scott GILLESPIE, Denise JOHNSON, Patricia LOPEZ, John RASH, D.J. TICE and CEO Michael J. KLINGENSMITH slowly focus their attention.
GROVE: OK. So someone asked me – what is the current term to refer to an ill…er, to someone who has migrated to the United States without legal authorization?
TICE: It’s been “Undocumented Migrant” for about 20 years now.
KLINGENSMITH: The consensus is that’s too pejorative. We need a new one.
GROVE: No bad ideas, here, people.
BURCUM: How about “trans-national Americans”?
RASH: Oooh, I like that. “Trans-national Americans are real Americans”. (Murmurs of assent)
GILLESPIE: Border victims.
JOHNSON: Oooh, nice.
GROVE: OK. Good ideas, here. We’ll work on it. Now – we’ve had a question about the term “soldier”. Of course, soldiers have guarded this nation’s freedom…
LOPEZ: (hisses contemptuously)
GROVE: I know, I know, work with me, here. That’s the baggage – a lot of the F150 driving “big yard” set…
LOPEZ: ( hisses contempuously again)
GROVE: …think “Soldier” is an honorable term in our society.
BURCUM: ( giggles)
GROVE: So how about this piece here?
GROVE: Any problems using “Soldier” to refer both to someone defending this country…
LOPEZ: ( hisses contempuously yet again)
GROVE: …and a knee-buster for a cartel?
(Uncomprehending stares from the entire board, except for…)
TICE: Uh, that seems…
GILLESPIE: We’re good!
GROVE: OK. Moving right along…
And SCENE