One Day At The Oceanaire

(SCENE:  At the Oceanaire – a tony seafood restaurant in Downtown Minneapolis.   Representative Paul Thissen, Senator Tom “Baby Got” Bakk and Speaker of the House Margaret Anderson-Kelliher are sitting at a table with five empty chairs.  Anderson-Kelliher, bored, drums her fingers on the table.  Thissen checks his watch, and Bakk rock nervously in their seats. )

(Minneapolis Mayor R.T. Rybak enters the room)


RYBAK:  Hey, Margaret!

(BAKK and THISSEN, deflated, go back to gnawing on toothpicks)

RYBAK:  Thanks for calling the meeting, Margaret.  What’s up?

ANDERSON-KELLIHER:  I’d like to lay out some ground rules and strategy for the campaign.

(SEN. MARK DAYTON walks into restaurant).

RYBAK: That’s a great idea.  (Notices DAYTON).  Hey, Mark!

DAYTON:  Aaaaaaagh!   (DAYTON dives to floor, rapidly low-crawls to the table, furtively sits in chair).

THISSEN:  What’s the matter, Mark?



ANDERSON-KELLIHER: …whatever.  (Turns to DAYTON)  What’s the matter, Mark?

DAYTON:  (Affixing a lobster bib) Er, nothing.  Why?

ANDERSON-KELLIHER:  Just curious.  (Looks at menu, as former Senator MATT ENTENZA, with wife LOIS QUAM, enter the restaurant.

BAKK: “Hey, Matt…”


BAKK: You told Paul to shut…

ANDERSON-KELLIHER:  Don’t care! (turns to ENTENZA) How are you today, Matt?

ENTENZA: I’m doing…

QUAM: (A little too effusive) He’s doing just fine, Margaret!  (ENTENZA abruptly stops).


(A loud belch issues from outside the entrance.  Rep. TOM RUKAVINA walks in, pounding his chest.  He shakes out another mild belch).

THISSEN:  Hey, Tom…(Trails off as ANDERSON-KELLIHER stares him down; THISSEN looks bash fully at his menu).

ANDERSON-KELLIHER:  Excellent!  I believe that’s everyone…(counts noses)…except…

(Harps play in the hallway.  A little dry ice fog obscures the floor.  Sen. JOHN MARTY, hands clasped as if in prayer before him, moves across the floor as if floating, and lands like a hummingbird on the remaining chair.  A golden aura briefly suffuses the room, then vanishes).


MARTY:  May the blessing of my presence bring you peace.

ANDERSON-KELLIHER: Er, yeah.  I called you all here today because voters are having a hard time telling the difference between us.  For the good of the DFL race, it’d be best if we all come up with some sort of differentiation between us before the convention.

RYBAK:  Primary.


ENTENZA: Yeah, convention!.

QUAM:  Primary!

ENTENZA: Er, yeah.  Primary.


THISSEN:  Convention, just like Margaret says…

ANDERSON-KELLIHER:  For the last time, shut the **** up! (ANDERSON-KELLIHER flings a salt-shaker at THISSEN, hitting him in the face.  He falls backward over his chair, and lies on the floor, motionless.  DAYTON dives for the ground).

ANDERSON-KELLIHER:  Like I said, convention.  So I’d like you all to think of things we can do to distinguish ourselves to the voters…

WAITRESS (Approaches with order pad in hand):  Hello, my name is Wendy, and I’ll be your…

ANDERSON-KELLIHER:  For the last ****** time, shut the **** up…

RYBAK: Er, Margaret?  She’s the waitress…

ANDERSON-KELLIHER:  Oh.  Go ahead, then.

WAITRESS:  Er, OK.  Any drink orders before we order dinner?”


RYBAK: Appletini, please.  Extra tini.

BAKK:  I’ll have whatever Margaret is having.

THISSEN:  (Groans incomprehensibly)

RUKAVINA: Grain Belt Premium!

ENTENZA:  I’ll take your house chablis…

QUAM:  He’ll take the house merlot, and so will I.

ENTENZA:  Er…yeah.

DAYTON:  A diet Pellegrini.

WAITRESS:  Sir, all Pelligrini is “Diet”.  It’s water…

DAYTON:  Two diet pellegrinis.

MARTY:  I shall have a glass of water.  But please bring it in gaseous form.

WAITRESS: Er…wait – you want a cup of steam?

MARTY:  As it is said, so shall it be poured.

WAITRESS:  Er, OK.  And would you all like to start a tab?

(All at table break up into uproarious laughter)

RUKAVINA:  Baby, you ain’t seen nothing.


ANDERSON-KELLIHER: OK.  I’d like everyone to say, for the record, what makes you different.  Paul?

THISSEN:  (Groans, puts hand on forehead).


ENTENZA:  (Looks at QUAM)

QUAM:  He will raise taxes for a better Minnesota.

(ENTENZA nods enthusiastically).

RYBAK:  Well, I’ll raise taxes for a better Minnsesota, too.

BAKK:   Well, I won’t…


BAKK:  Yes, I will.

DAYTON:  I will raise taxes.  For a better Minnesota.  (Eyes door furtively).  I will.  I will.  I will.

ANDERSON-KELLIHER:  OK.  Not getting what I want here…

RUKAVINA:  I’ll raise taxes more for a better Minnesota!


WAITRESS (Carrying tray of drinks):  OK, that’s two house Merlots,  a Grain Belt Premium, two Boilermakers, an Appletini, two “diet Pellegrinis” a cup of steam, and (looks at THISSEN) some smelling salts.

THISSEN:  (grunts painfullly)

WAITRESS:  That’ll be $77.


WAITRESS:  Er, maam?  I brought the drinks.  You need to pay up.


WAITRESS:  Maam?  This isn’t funny.  You wanna leave me on the look for almost $80 worth of drinks?


RUKAVINA:  Yeah.  Shut up!

WAITRESS:  I’m gonna call the police.

ANDERSON-KELLIHER:  (Stands at table)  Attention, everyone in the restaurant.  Please pay our drink tab!  It is for a better Minnesota!

(RUKAVINA, BAKK, RYBAK, QUAM, and ENTENZA applaud; DAYTON balances spoon on his finger; THISSEN groans)

MARTY:  As it is written, so shall it be done.  (MARTY disappears in a blinding flash of pure light).


13 thoughts on “One Day At The Oceanaire

  1. Your portayal of the Quamazon made me giggle furiously! I’d like to think her aroma has been aired out of MN008 by now.

  2. I guess this shows..

    When you can’t find facts to back up your spin, MAKE IT UP!!!

    As a contrast to.. when J Roosh claims CRA caused our economic collapse (or near collapse) – as does oh, say, Rep Michelle Bachmann…

    Then there’s this..

    For those of you not inclined to read the link, let me help..

    “Lehman “repeatedly exceeded its own internal risk limits and controls,” and a wide range of bad calls by its management led to the bank’s failure, says the report, authored by examiner Anton Valukas.”

    It wasn’t “Governmental Engineering”, nor was it too much governmental regulation.

    It was lax oversight, it was 10 minute vision, and it was greed. For those of you out of work due to this collapse, please thank Mr. Fuld sometime. But if instead, you prefer to live in your little fantasy world, well, feel free to continue to believe Mr. Roosh (or Mr. Berg), after all, if he can’t find the truth with both hands, he clearly has no issue making it up.

  3. When you can’t find facts to back up your spin, MAKE IT UP!!!

    Uh huh.

    And I’m told that “This Is Spinal Tap” wasn’t a real band, that “Confederacy of Dunces” didn’t refer to a real overeducated fop, that “Taming Of The Shrew” was not in fact an indictment of all women, and that there is no empirical evidence of any of the things Dante set forth in The Inferno! And that Larry “Bud” Melman was in fact a character! That “Married with Children”, “The Office” and “Cheers” are not in fact documentaries about dysfunctional families, dysfunctional companies and alcoholics!

    I’m not sure, Pen, if you’re joking, or if you really are tone-deaf to the idea of “satire”. OF COURSE it’s made up! It satirizes the characteristics of some of your politicians!

    As a contrast to.. when J Roosh claims CRA caused our economic collapse (or near collapse) – as does oh, say, Rep Michelle Bachmann…

    And both of them – allowing for the proven fact that CRA was only a small portion of the overall offense – were absolutely right on every count.

    Then there’s this…

    …which is a complete thread-jacking. We’re writing about the DFL goober candidates, not your rote recitation of NYTimes talking points about Lehman.

  4. BTW – the Oceanaire is out of business.

    And as for thread-jacking, it seems to me you don’t have any issue when it is done by others.. but caterwaul as you like. The report was NOT from the NYT, it was from an independent, court ordered investigation. Apparently you need to read the report.

  5. And as for thread-jacking, it seems to me you don’t have any issue when it is done by others..

    In principle, I do and don’t no matter who does it. I mean, it’s not a big deal, but on the other hand c’mon. You have your own blog.

    but caterwaul as you like. The report was NOT from the NYT, it was from an independent, court ordered investigation

    THe point wasn’t about the literal lineage of the report.

  6. Pen must be a real fricken’ blast at parties. The guy probably would catch an episode of South Park and shout at the TV “Al Gore never said any such thing about ManBearPig! This show is a lie!”

    Pen, a sense of humor is a wonderful thing, but shit man, I think it’s just too late for you to develop one.

  7. “Tone-deaf to the idea of satire” is a common (although not exclusive) liberal trait. The only person on the left I’ve seen able to pull off satire lately is Jon Stewart, and he takes shots at both sides. It’s usually 70% Republican, 30% Democrat, but at least he tries.
    The rest come off angry and bitter like the junior Senator from MN, David Letterman and Bill Maher.

  8. BTW – the Oceanaire is out of business

    I was there on March 4th. We couldn’t even get a table it was so full, had to seat at the bar. Peev, did your neighbour tell you it was closed?

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