Top 10 Guys performance last night. Recaps and breakdown after the jump.

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American Idol is a cheesy, glorified, over-hyped talent show. It’s also been the highest rated show in America for almost a decade. This contradiction seemingly compels some people to loudly announce their opinion of the show every time they get the chance – even if that opinion is “I never watch that show. It’s garbage!”

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It’s the second week of American Idol’s super-extra-sudden death eliminations. We lost four last week. We’re losing another four this week and next week. And then, their lust for singing career slaughter somewhat satiated, the Idol producers cut it down to a single elimination per week. But that’s later. This week it’s another cage match, in which, judging by last week anyway, the judges seem to be disappointed they can only eliminate four.

I’ve been looking around for this week’s theme without any success. No one seems to have any great scoops or insights, which is pretty bizarre for a hyper-blogged phenomenon like Idol. I’m taking this to mean it’s another “theme that isn’t really much of a theme” night. Like “yet MORE songs fromt the Billboard top 100 since Edison invented the phonograph.” Also known as “Here’s enough rope to hang yourselves with and then some, Idolateers.”

We’ve got a bit of a last minute panic-ladel switch this week, as our “first girls then boys” order has been swapped around at the last minute due to one of the girls (rumored to be Crystal Bowersox) becoming to ill to perform. That’s one fewer day of rehearsal than the guys thought they’d have. And some of them seem to need all the practice they can get after last week.

But we’re going to soldier on all the same.

“Big” Mike Lynche was one of the better performers last week, even if he made the guitar he held (and hardly played) look like a ukulele. Can’t say I have any solid bead on his “style” yet, though. Expect the judges to start pressuring him to find his niche. This week he’s singing “This is a Man’s World” by James Brown. Quit a zig from last week’s Maroon 5 zag. He gets a nice little soul thing going there. The song could easily get cartoony with the wrong performance, but Mike’s big voice and smooth confidence avoids that. A really solid lead off performance. The judges eat it up (in the good way).

John Park is still weirdly popular from his audition run-in with Shania Twain, but frankly he stunk up the place last week. Contestants with big baritone voices singing songs twice as old as they are are kinda not a hit on this show for long. He needs to pick it up this week. He’s singing “Gravity,” by John Mayer after leading off telling us about his college a capella group. Shades of the ‘Nard Dog? Anyway he starts to sing and… alright this guy is just flat out dull. That’s two weeks in a row I was tempted to turn the channel in the middle of his singing. Flat, dull and lifeless is no way to get through Idol, son. Bleh. The judges comments sound like they feel sorry for him, except for Simon of course.

Casey James is going to have to endure the way overplayed “Kara has a crush on him” storyline until he’s eliminated apparently. And that means America is going to be suffering right along with him because we have to watch. Please suck tonight for all our sakes Casey. This week he’s singing “I Don’t Want to Be” by Gavin Degraw… because Casey’s strategy is apparently to go through “Idol’s Greatest Hits,” by only choosing songs performed in previous seasons more than once. Casey is going to show us his electric guitar skills this week and… actually he’s not bad. Eddie VanHalen doesn’t have to look over his shoulder or anything, but for a singing show he’s a pretty good guitar player. The singing though is only meh. He hits the notes, more or less. There’s not much authority behind them. His guitar definitely outshines his vocals. The judges are left wondering whether he has sand or dirt rather than “grit” in his voice in explaining why he blew it.

Alex “Not The Guy With Eyeliner” Lambert got to experience the delivery of a really bad song last week, along with the judges praising him to the freaking skies for talent we, the television viewing audience, have yet to witness. Will tonight be the night? He’s going to be more confident because he’ll have his guitar this week, he tells us. He’s singing “Everybody Knows” by John Legend. And… you know he’s actually pretty good this week. And not in the backhanded “That was much better than last week,” sense. I mean.. he could have stood there refusing to sing and it would have been technically “better than last week.” This one is actually good in the “he’s singing the song really well” sense of things. Unlike the judges I don’t find his voice super-unique in the history of singing or anything. But he’s got talent, and now we’ve actually heard it for ourselves.

Todrick Hall does not, so far, have a fan in Simon Cowell, who called him a “dancer trying to sing.” However the other judges sort of loved him last week without caring much for his song. I sense one of those somber “I’ll sing while sitting on a stool” moments coming up. He’s singing “What’s Love Got to do with It” by Tina Turner. Umm… huh? He tells us he’s picking songs by female artists so he doesn’t get compared to the original… is that worse than being compared to a drag performance? Oh and does this arrangement of the song stink like moldy cheese or what? I think they were going for a kind of “unplugged” feel. But they missed it by a mile. It’s just oddly moody and slow in all the wrong ways. The judges are kind of aghast that this dude has stunk so much two weeks running. Simon is on the verge of moving him over to “So You Think You Can Dance.”

Jermaine Sellers delivered a pretty weird performance last week. One thing he definitely proved is that he’s got range. He also proved he sometimes screeches like a locomotive breaking suddenly, only not quite as pleasant to listen to. Jermaine’s target for the week – control. He’s singing “What’s Goin’ On” by Marvin Gaye… not the first thing I would pick for him, but okay. He starts heading off the rails when he once again starts needlessly ornamenting every note held longer than a beat. This also causes him to go off pitch. Not so far he doesn’t find it again. But enough to show that he’s still lacking the control to pull off everything he’s trying to show. Plus… his delivery of the song is completely disconnected from the lyrics. He might as well be singing “Don’t Worry Be Happy.” The judges kind of gang up on him and tell him to knock off all the stupid verbal ornamentation and just sing the darned songs. Jermaine’s come back is that the lord is on his side, so he doesn’t have to worry about being voted off the show. Jermaine “Huckabee” Sellers. Lordy.

Andrew Garcia got a little wake up call from the judges last week, who refused to be impressed when he failed to deliver an immediate number one hit during his first live performance. Yeah… the expectations are just a wee bit higher for Andrew than others already. This week he’s singing “You Give Me Something” by James Morrison. And for some reason Andrew is the one to break out the “intimate moments” stool this week from which to sing. He’s going sans guitar this week, which shouldn’t be a huge problem because he has a great voice but… it FEELS like a big missing element as Andrew truly struggles through parts of this song this week. It’s not as bad as some others we’ve heard tonight, but it’s probably the worst we’ve ever heard from Andrew. Disappointing. The judges remind him he was picked largely on his “Straight Up” reinterpretation in Hollywood, and where the hell is THAT Andrew Garcia hiding?

Aaron “Mouseketeer” Kelly was pretty decent last week, but suffers from “the judges love him as a potential cash-cow with the pre-teen demographic” itis. This condition eventually renders all its sufferers unbearable in a short amount of time, so we can only hope he escapes it. He’s singing “My Girl” by the Temptations, which doesn’t bode well. It’s… like the kind of performance you’d hear at a theme park, if I’m being honest < /Cowell >. This was not good. It was teen-like in all the bad ways. We’re talking the Kevin Covais or John Stevens kind of teen. Predictably the judges love him anyway, save for Simon who merely offers it was a step backward.

Tim Urban didn’t deserve to be there last week. And after a really awful performance last week he doesn’t deserve to be there this week either. Judging by his reaction to the eliminations last week he knows full well he doesn’t deserve to be there. Could this be an unlikely recipe for a breakout week? He’s singing “Come On Get Higher” by Matt Nathanson. He’s got his guitar this week. And… wow, he still totally doesn’t deserve to be there. This is really bad stuff. He can’t find the right notes. His guitar playing isn’t very good. He looks a bit confused on stage. Painful to watch. All the judges agree, save for Simon who declares him totally relevant and in it now. Which isn’t true and just weird.

Lee Dewyze must have slipped Simon a twenty before last week’s performance because… well he delivered a pretty average performance. Not bad. But not something you’d call either original or terribly new either. And Simon reacted like he’d just discovered Kurt Cobain circa 1989. “This is gonna be the next hit sound!” is not the reaction I get listening to Lee “Smells Like Teen Spirit” Dewyze. He sings “Lips of an Angel” by Hinder. And it’s… pretty much more of the same. Maybe a little better than last week, but it’s debatable. It’s just more of that faux-grit grunge vocal which reminds you how much better than this Daughtry had to be to open the door to this kind of singer in the competition at all. This dude is no Daughtry, though the judges seem bound and determined to get America to believe that he is. Not unless he’s got more than we’ve seen so far. A LOT more.

And so, after a really, really long seeming night, it’s over. The overall impression made by the guys tonight was “Huh?! I have to perform tonight?! I’m not ready!” Which… to be fair… is probably how they really felt. The problem is that’s not going to be any excuse. Besides, that’s two bad weeks in a row, not one surprising stinker.

Best of the night for me would be Big Mike Lynche, and Alex Lambert. Thankfully I am under no constraint requiring me to pick a “Top 3” this week, because I don’t think I could.

Worst of the night? That’s where things get tight. I’m going with John Park, Todrick Hall, and Tim Urban, but Jermaine Sellers is pretty darned close to that level. While I personally really disliked Aaron Kelly’s performance this week, I have to admit these were all worse.

Going home? I’m picking Todrick Hall and John Park, because Tim Urban was apparently cursed by evil gnomes forcing him to embarrass himself on national television week after week for disturbing their mushroom garden… or something like that. Anyway, Tim seems beyond the reach of rational odds making. So I’m going with the other two worst of the evening.