Now That All Of Minneapolis’ Problems Are Solved

The city of Minneapolis is going to vote on whether to change the name of Lake Calhoun – currently named after John Calhoun, an ardent supporter of slavery.Among their top choices of new names:

10.  Lake Quetzl-Jambo-Wang-Tse (a perfectly-engineered word incorporatiing all indigenous traditions except English).

9.  Lake Julia

8.  Lake Grievance

7.  Collective Lake

6.  Lake Debs

5. Lake Marx

4. Lake Wobegone

3. Lake Castro

2. Gus Hall Lake

1. Lake Guevara

Votes in the comment section.

21 thoughts on “Now That All Of Minneapolis’ Problems Are Solved

  1. Of the listed choices, I’d go for Lake Guevara. Like Lake Geneva, except not at all.

    I also suggest Alliance for a Better Lake.

  2. Bde Maka Ska?

    Did they warm up for English Beat at Duffy’s many years ago? Or did they warm up for The Police at the Longhorn?

  3. If all we have to vote on are the 10 choices above, I think Lake Marx fits.

    I learned to swim in the 2nd grade. We were bused to Lake Calhoun. They segregated us swimmers in the back of the bus. How about Lake Rosa Parks?

    (Channeling J. Geils) My blood runs cold, my memories are about to be sold…Lake Calhoun is the centerfold.

  4. Name it after the immortal words of MIchael Jackson in the appropriately-named “Wanna Be Starting Something”: Lake Mama-say Mama-sah Mama-coosa.

  5. Pingback: In The Mailbox: 05.04.17 : The Other McCain

  6. If this was really Minneapolis, they wouldn’t assume Calhoun identifies as a lake

  7. This has lots of possibilities.

    Lake Ganzenscheiss
    Lakey McLakeButt
    Lake Hillary’s Presidency
    Lake Kholmogory

  8. Headline:”White Democrat Calhoun Does Not Represent Our Values, Say White Democrats.”

  9. As a resident of Minneapolis, I ask how long before we rename the rest of the lakes. I mean let’s just start from the top.

    Brownie Lake: really the word Brownie has several bad meanings from disgusting racial epithets to nasty little imaginary creatures who perform dirty tricks.
    Cedar Lake: Maybe the safest of the names but still it creates images of the Cedars of Lebanon…way too Judeo-Christian.
    Lake of the Isles: What a cruel joke, there were 4 islands but the cruel instruments of Western civilization destroyed 2 of them and dredged the current lake into a monstrous image of its previous perfect shape. The name just taunts the natural world, my God, how cruel.
    Lake Hiawatha: Oh puhleeess. Longfellow’s poem is just a Euro-centric perversion of a perfect, harmonious native cultural story.
    Lake Nokomis: Ditto. The character is straight out of the previously mentioned writing. Leaving the name just emphasizes and twists microaggressions into the wounds.
    Lake Calhoun: Phew we just saved the entire Minneapolis civilization by renaming the lake…watch out for that pothole over there.
    Lake Harriet: Good grief, named for Harriet Lovejoy Leavenworth whose only real claim to fame was being married to Colnel Henry Leavenworth, first post commander of Fort Snelling (that symbol of white privilege). She gave support to this horrible man who was best known for slaughtering innocent native people.

    Let’s just submit the whole thing to a vote (ranked choice of course) but white men should not have suffrage in this one. Better yet let’s give each one full personhood like they do in New Zealand for certain landscape features ( and wait for the lakes to name themselves.

  10. passout76 wrote:

    Better yet let’s give each one full personhood like they do in New Zealand for certain landscape features ( and wait for the lakes to name themselves.

    It has been noted elsewhere that since objects can’t have rights and human beings can, what this action did was give extra rights to certain people — namely, the people who are recognized as representing the right of the landscape feature.
    There is hardly a value of civilization that is not under siege by the Left: one man, one vote, freedom of association, freedom of speech, freedom of religion, freedom of self-defense, and, of course, the right to own your labor.

  11. Rename the lakes as the Lindbergh and Humphrey terminals. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ………..

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