SCENE:  Mitch BERG is at work in his home office.  His phone rings.  

BERG:  Hello?

POLLSTER:  Hello.  I’m Kandi, a pollster working on a combined study commissioned by Harvard University, Northeastern University, the Trace and the Guardian, four organizations dedicated to disarming Americans by any means, fair or foul.  If you have a few moments to spare, I’d like to ask you some questions about gun ownership.

BERG:  Go ahead.

POLLSTER:   How many guns do you own?

BERG:  How many guns am I going to admit I own to an anonymyous rep for  four organizations that are dedicated to ensuring that Americans are disarmed, docile sheep,?

POLLSTER:   That’s correct!

BERG:  None!  Guns are scary!

POLLSTER:  So that’s no guns, then?

BERG:  As far as you know.

POLLSTER:  Wow. It’s amazing how the number of gun owners is dropping, according to our Fact-Based Research ®.

BERG:  It is, isn’t it?  Absolutely astounding.

SURVEY:  We’re also finding three percent of American adults own 50% of the guns!

BERG:  Huh.  I’m also gonna guess 3% of American adults own 50% of the iPhone 7s, and roughly .000001 of all Americans own 90% of all newspapers.

SURVEY:  No comment!

BERG:  Naturally.

SURVEY:  Now, if you did buy a gun, why would you buy one?  Are you a hunter, a target shooter, or would you buy a gun due to fear?

BERG:  If I did have a gun, which I don’t, as I already told you, it’d be for self-defense.

POLLSTER:  OK.  “Fear”.

BERG:  No, self-defense.  A prudent response to the vicissitudes of human nature.

POLLSTER:  Right.  Fear.

BERG:  Nope.  A rational, prudent assessment of and response to life’s actual risks, based on data, ability and experience.

POLLSTER:  Right.  We call that “fear”.  It’s just a category.

BERG:  Naturally.  Hey, someone’s calling…

POLLSTER:  I didn’t hear a click…

(But BERG has already hung up the phone).



6 thoughts on “Survey

  1. You need to work on your filters some, Mitch.

    If I’m at work I don’t answer the phone unless it’s immediate family calling, and even then only if I’m not in the middle of something. Wife excepted, of course (I know who the real boss is.)

    Out of work? If I don’t recognize the number it goes to voicemail. And if it’s a pollster, solicitor, or nearly anything else, it gets added to the “blocked numbers list.”

    Life’s better when you don’t have to deal with the crap that the phone world has become.

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  3. They are talking about this in the comments over at Insty’s place, and a few people have echoed your idea about the validity of such a study.

    Besides, isn’t this a good thing for the left: fewer gun owners?

  4. Back in the ’80’s, P.J. O’Rourke wrote about believing opinion polls showing the Sandinista regime in Nicaragua would win the election. His lesson from this: don’t believe an opinion poll in a country where it is illegal to hold certain opinions.
    I think we are getting closer to this here. It may not be illegal, but social shaming has turned Facebook, Twitter, etc. into a one party state.

  5. When my youngest was 2-weeks-old roughly 15 years ago, the pediatrician asked the “guns in the home” question of us on her initial check-up. I said no, because I have a tendency to be dishonest with dishonest people. When I asked the pediatrician why she asked, I was told that it was standard protocol from the Academy of Pediatricians to assess deadly risks to children in the home. I had just seen a John Stossel special on actual deadly risks, so I asked her if there was a question about whether or not we had a backyard swimming pool? She looked up from her clipboard (remember those?), scrunched up her face and said “NO!” Other real life dangers to children are Moms ‘boyfriend’ who is not actually the child’s father. That won’t be coming up on any surveys either.
    PS: Never went back to that pediatrician.

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