When I Dream…

…I most often dream of a day, near the end of my life, when the last “child-free” millennial has died, alone, unlamented, but free of the sound of any f******g pesky children!

Not sure why that comes to mind.

But while we’re on the subject of “banning kids from restaurants”, perhaps we can come up with a “Millennial-Free” restaurant?  No tacky tattoos, beards that cost more to maintain than a family of two, unwashed denim or arguments about which is, like, totally more amazeballs, Buzzfeed or Gawker.

13 thoughts on “When I Dream…

  1. While we’re at it lets ban morons carrying on LOUD conversations on the cell phone while you’re trying to have a quiet conversation with your dinner mate. Or maybe Restaurants could tack a “cell phone gratuity” of 25% on their bill if other patrons complain.

  2. I was in a bar in Duluth recently. A blue collar bar (its in the same building as the labor temple). Virtually no tattoos were seen. No long skanky beards. No ironic clothing (except for those there who didn’t realize they were wearing hipster ironic clothing). It was a nice change from much of the Twin Cities.

    Restaurant related news…..Prairie Business mag has a short story on how Moorhead restaurants are having a hard time competing with Fargo’s, due to much higher minimum wage on servers in Minnesota. One owner notes that its not just the minimum wage, but then those earning more want an increase since the entry level people are making more, and that its just much more complex than people think.

  3. I’ve heard that if parents don’t take their children to restaurants and such in order to teach them how to behave in public, they become profanity-spouting ironic hipsters writing for the City Pages who still don’t know how to behave in public.

    Seriously, I’m (as the daddy of six blessings) always careful to encourage young parents who are having trouble with little ones.

  4. With the exception of the discussion of balls, Amaze or otherwise, and social media (WTF is Gawker?), I object to your plan due to profiling Fail.

    Just refuse admittance to anyone who cannot recite at least one line from Caddy Shack, and its Mission Accomplished

  5. Probably the reason the Planned Parenthood Chop Shop story is going nowhere with the millemnials. Children are enough of an annoyance when you are eating dry aged beef and drinking jewel bespoke cocktails (while living in Moms basement?). Who cares about the ones who haven’t escaped the womb if it helps Science! discover a way for me to keep riding my bicycle (sorry, Mitch) when I’m 90 to the latest in quinoa-pomegranite fusion cupcakes?
    That said – my parents had six children (blessings, BB, heh!) and none of us saw the inside of a sit down restaurant until after we made our first Holy Communion at age 7-8. My first sit down restaurant experience was an IHOP. My parents were depression era children who as grown-ups thought spending money at a restaurant on a child that only recently completed potty training was wasteful. Can’t disagree although my spouse and I haven’t followed that advice. But we were very quick to gather up a child at the first sign of meltdown and take them out of the area.
    With regard to the millennials ban… I was in NYC this past July, specifically an upscale, trendy Williamsburg Brooklyn bistro that specialized in the foods of Brazil, and the hypsters were actually drinking Pabst tallies (that’s what we called them where I grew up – 16 oz cans) like I’ve heard before but didn’t believe. I’m no beer snob but when you are a slave to an ironic stereotype – well, keep on truckin’.

  6. My wife and I walked into a yuppie bistro on the edge of Uptown once with the 18 month-old Mall Diva, and you should have seen the look of wide-eyed panic on the staff and some of the diners. No worries, though; the Mall Diva was the perfect little lady throughout. The staff was so impressed (or relieved) they gave our daughter a free piece of apple pie when we were finished (they actually said it was because she had been so good)!

  7. Set; sounds like we grew up in the same family. I was the oldest of six in a home of a blond haired, blue eyed German guy that grew up on a farm in SW MN and a raven haired petite Italian Catholic women from Springfield, IL. My mom was the daughter of a coal miner and a laundry worker. We considered it a real treat when we got fast food burgers. Before Micky D’s, there was a little joint in Richfield called Henry’s with 15 cent burgers.
    And NW, I hear you. When my daughter was seven months old, we were coming to MN from TX for Christmas. We were on Delta, so we had to go through Atlanta. We were late into Atlanta, but luckily, our flight crew was taking our connecting flight to MSP. Anyway, we got seated in the first row in coach, just past the first class bulkhead. There was a man in a suit in the window seat that rolled his eyes when he saw that my wife, daughter and I had the seats next to him. I’m sure that he was anticipating a 2.5 hour flight from hell. Well, my daughter was so busy flirting and laughing, that she was a delight to all of the people around us. As we were getting off the flight, the suit guy handed me a twenty and told me that he was contributing to her college fund, because she made him laugh so much.

  8. As a millennial I resent that description, because were not ALL HIPSTERS. Ban hipsters of any age, but millennials are diverse and surprisingly libertarian on many economic issues.

  9. My mother didn’t eat at McDonalds until I came home from college and took her. “We have hamburger at home.” Yep – that’s the 1940’s talking.

    I wouldn’t mind a seeing a “quiet music” section. What makes restaurant managers think I want to listen to blasting rock? Or blasting Mexican (I’m looking at you, La Casita). Do they hope I’ll yell “Par-Dee!” and spend more money? No, I bolt my food and rush home for peace and quiet. And all you Asian restaurants owners – sort your recordings to find every twangy string-thing with women wailing and 86 them all. Do it now.

    Last time I ate at Carmelo’s on Snelling at St. Clair, they played subdued long-hair stuff that I didn’t recognize and didn’t care – it was relaxing, we could have a conversation at normal volume. The music enhanced the meal. More like that, please.

  10. We took some trips when our first was a year old or less, and it was really neat how most adults reacted to her–and she to them. Hipsters don’t know what they’re missing, really. My favorite two times; when our daughter was just entranced by an accordionist at a german restaurant we went to, and when she was loved by everybody at the “Parthenon” in Chicago–this after a 20 hour train trip when we were certainly all looking and smelling our best. Good times.

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