(SCENE: Mitch BERG is sitting in the waiting room at the dentist’s office, waiting on a checkup. Avery LIBRELLE enters the room, holding a throbbing tooth. BERG tries to hunch down behind his magazine – but LIBRELLE notices him).
LIBRELLE: Hey, Merg! (Speaks with difficulty through pain) Thereth an epidemic of rape on American univerthity camputheth.
BERG: Wow. Your mouth sounds painful.
LIBRELLE: You’re dodthing the queththion!
BERG: Well, no, I…OK, so how do we know about this “epidemic”?
LIBRELLE: Becauthe American univerthitieth thay tho.
BERG: (Wincing in pain as LIBRELLE thpeakth) So in other words, university administrations, carrying out their own home-grown investigations, driven by a feminist lobby that actively disparages the idea of due process for those accused of rape, and with a vested interest in resolving all ambiguous cases – say, cases where everyone involved was blind drunk and there were no witnesses, or even the occasional malicious accusation – as rape, say there’s an epidemic.
BERG: So you think data coming from university administrations – who act in these cases primarily as political rather than criminal-justice bodies – are the appropriate people to investigate allegations of felonious assaults which our society justifiably regards as second only to murder in moral gravity?
LIBRELLE: Of courthe. Who elthe knowth more about thtudentth than the univerthity thythtem?
BERG: OK. So in the same vein – who knows more about priests than their various dioceses, arch-dioceses and the Vatican? When priests were being accused of sexually abusing children, by your logic, the church was right to try to deal with it by itself.
LIBRELLE: OF courthe not.
BERG: How so?
LIBRELLE: Of courthe not.
BERG: No, I mean why do you think not?
LIBRELLE: And I anthwered you. Of courthe not.
BERG: That’s no answer.
LIBRELLE: Yeth it wath.
(ASSISTANT calls BERG’s appointment; LIBRELLE attempts to get up and leave the room ahead of BERG)
BERG: Um, hello?
LIBRELLE: Get an exthternal invethtigation, thucker.