History marches on. After the great Eden Prairie riots (which occurred after a “police beating” in Blaine, for reasons that were chalked up to confusion among the “demonstrators”), more violence broke out in the ring of decrepid, desperate, DFL-dominated suburbs surrounding the city.
(The scare quotes around “demonstrators” will be explained later.
This takes us into the mid-2040’s.
July 8, 2041
Burbs Still Cleaning Up After Cataclysmic Riots: Residents Demand Answers
Megan Megan Megan-Megan, Minnesota Codependent
The fallout from the Great Suburban Riots is still reverberating throughout the suburbs.
Eden Prairie, Blaine, Lakeville, Woodbury and Lino Lakes were all heavily damaged during riots after a pair of policemen were acquitted for assaulting a couple of local men.
The rebuilding effort is running into some obstacles.
“Part of the problem” according to Bluffy Sansevere, of “Suburbs Need Money” , a performance-art advocacy group, “is that homeowners aren’t moving back to the suburbs”.
“We’ve been trying to emulate the tactic that worked so well for the uncaring Republican inner-city – having all sorts of housing stock available for people to move into. We even started a program putting people to work at government expense to bring these buildings up to full city, state, federal, emotional and ethical code, and passing the cost on to the uncaring Republican who buys the home. But we haven’t had any takers”.
Another problem; the vandalism continues. “We’ve actually rebuilt some houses – as high-density group homes, naturally – and they’ve been promptly burned down. And there’s been nothing we could do about it, since the Plochman case”, says Annette Plover, DFL senator from Wellstone (formerly Minnetonka). He’s referring to Plochman Vs. Inver Grove Heights, a Supreme Court case that affirmed that vandalism was a form of art protected by the First Amendment. The case, which was handed down during the Obama Administration in 2018 by former Chief Justice Kucinich (appointed in 2011 by then-President Obama) has not yet been reversed.
“It’s like pushing a hose up a hill” she added.
In related news, “Hose Esteem” – a program that taught self-esteem by teaching troubled suburban teens to push hoses up hills – was cancelled due to excessive vandalism.
September 6, 2044
Cities Abolish Property Tax: Residents Demand Answers
Achmad Epstein, Fraters Omnisciens
Mayors Trixie Coleman of Saint Paul and Bucky Prathanshaniam of Minneapolis met at the crown of the Marshall-Lake Bridge yesterday, and tossed a symbolic, bronzed property-tax assessment into the Mississippi River to mark the end of the property tax.
The tax – long a standard revenue-generator in the Twin Cities – became obsolete due to increasing sales taxes and user fees.
“These cities”, Mayor Coleman noted in her prepared speech “make so much money due to the whole ‘overheated economy’ thing, that morality demands we stop taking so friggin’ much of it!”
A thin film of protesters gathered at the Mall of America to demonstrate against the abolition. “In the whole history of my family”, said Annabelle-Annaliese Fromholz-Bisbee of Elko, “nobody has ever been able to find Saint Paul – so we met here. Anyway – this is money that should by all rights be going to the needy in Savage and Forest Lake!”
April 12, 2046
DFL Suburbs Unveil “Happy To Pay For The Great Leap” Plan
Mark 3, Generic News
Mayor Kim Jung-Bill of Maple Grove declared the first step of his five-year plan to revitalize Maple Grove “a complete success”.
“To help prevent ‘white flight’ – people moving farther out in the ‘burbs to avoid suburban blight and find more progressive policies – we’ve found that some of the traditional incentives, like taxing people and businesses that tried to move away, while useful, didn’t go far enough”.
The “Human Severance Tax” Jung-Bill instituted in 2040 didn’t make a lot of money – but it did create a new revenue stream. “People trying to leave Maple Grove started trying to load up trucks and move out under cover of darkness. Arresting and fining them bough us some time, but Illlegal Emigration remained a seriously problem”
“Finally”, he adds, “we had to build The Happy To Live Here For A Better Maple Grove Wall”. The controversial 15 mile brick wall, with gates at six key exits, has cut down drastically on emigration from Maple Grove.
“The standard of living, and government revenue, haven’t increased just yet. But it’s right around the corner!”.
Friday: The conclusion.