Things I Detest And Would Like To Kill With Fire

When it comes to temper, I’m pretty Scandinavian; I don’t really lose my temper; it takes a lot to get me to show any emotional at all, really.

But when I do?  Houston, we have a problem.

And so there really aren’t many things in the world that genuinely fill me with blinding homicidal rage.

But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to a few:

  • “Axe” Deodorant Ads: All of them – the falling angels, “double-pits-to-chesty”, the idiot skateboarders, and the worst of them all, that **c***g chocolate guy walking down the street.  Yeah, I know – their target market is the young and gullible (see also: Obama 2008).  But did our anscestors defeat the Nazis so that we had to endure this bilge?
  • Huge, tasteless tattoos: 1992 called.  Seattle wants its fashion mistakes back.
  • “Girl Power”:  No, not powerful girls; girls should have self-respect and be intelligent and strong and self-assured.  No, it’s the attitude I saw in a set of T-shirts at a store the other day – something to the tune of “I Throw Like A Girl. Jealous?”  Which, by itself, is fine – it shows a clear misunderstanding of physical and emotional development in boys and girls, but whatever.  But it was part of a line of “girls rock, boys suck”-wear which, again, I don’t care so much about, except that it’s been part of a twenty-year effort to make room for empowering girls by cutting down boys.  It manifests itself in schools, and it’s having a terrible effect – boys are rapidly losing interesting education; soon, they’ll be down to 40% of college students. And for the life of me, I haven’t figured out how disempowering one gender in terms of its own natural traits can “empower” the other one!  Also,  I’d love to see the firestorm that’d accompany a line of T-shirts reading “I think like a boy – so sorry your adolescent feminine three-dimensional spatial visualization is so inadequate”, or whatever.
  • Historical Illiterates – Not all of them.  But many.  Especially the ones that will read or hear some reference to German history from 1933-1945, issued by, hypothetically, someone who’s studied the history, sociology, politics and language of the era in some great detail, and – no matter what the reference is to – bleat “Godwin’s Law! Godwin’s Law! Braaaaaaaawk!“.  Just saying.
  • The taste of energy drinks:  All of them.  I can only think of one from among the whole assortment – Red Bull, Monster, Monster Java, Surge, Amp, RockStar, Pimp Juice (no, I’m not making that one up), Redeye, Pr0n Sauce (OK, I made that one up), SoBe  –  that doesn’t taste like carbonated fruit punch.  Amp Citrus tastes vaguely like lemonade – not a bad start – that’s been filtered through battery acid.  It’d help if every single one of them that I’ve tried didn’t give me a splitting headache – where by “help” I mean “with my aim”.
  • The “States Rights Equal Slavery” Slur – Can you imagine out much better our nation would be today, had half of the nation sought secession, and the other half opposed it over, say, the Federal Reserve, the Income Tax, or the activist interpretations of the Interstate Commerce Clause?  The notion of enumerated powers, and reserving important powers to the states and The People, is a noble one, a cornerstone of true representative democracy and a key bulwark against the creeping centralism that’s been increasingly sapping this country for the past eighty years in an accelerating vortex of bureaucratic ooze. And just because the peckerwoods in half of the nation decided to stake “states rights” on a profound evil, slavery, doesn’t make the concept itself less any less vital.  If you have a brain in your head, a moral bone in your body, any respect for why this nation exists as it does (as opposed to in the form of a France or a Netherlands) and the faintest sense of respect for logic.  But if the majority of this country had any of the above, the Democrats would have to launch petition drives to get on the ballot, like the Greens or the Constitution Party.
  • Pauly Shore – Yep.  Even after all these years.  Just can’t get over it.
  • Mindless Petty Slander – It’s a long story.
  • The Advertising Double Standard – You know the one I’m talking about; in advertising, most families show “Dad” as a bumbling, incompetent schlub whose improbably gorgeous wife seems to tolerate him (and provides the correct answer to everything, which always hinges on the product being sold).  I understand it, of course – these ads are aimed at products that women tend to buy.  But I wonder about this part – if you look at ads aimed at things men stereotypically buy – tools, cases of beer, work trucks – the portrayal across the gender divide is so different; in those ads, men are young, usually single, and surrounded by women whose intellectual and social capabilities are never questioned, and are indeed irrelevent beside the fact that they are hot.  So what does this tell us about how the world of advertising sees the American gender psyche (a perception which had best be accurate, for them, since business stakes billions of dollars a year on these ads)?  That men fantasize about being young, buff, drunk, driving big trucks, and surrounded by Selma Hayek and Sarah Chalke lookalikes, while women dream of making the men in their lives look emasculated, helpless and stupid?
  • Discrimination Before The Law Against Anyone Based On Race, Religion, Politics, Ethnicity Or Affectional Orientation – Because if I didn’t say it, you just know some bobblehead would ask “So you don’t hate repression?  Hmmm?  Developing…”
  • Portlandia“.

Not a multi-part series.  I think I pretty well blew the karma out of my cylinders with this post.

That is all.

27 thoughts on “Things I Detest And Would Like To Kill With Fire

  1. 100% with you on Axe. That crap stinks a mile away.
    My latest peeve is Muslims who claim Jesus was a “prophet”, and a Muslim. BS. If you want to hijack my religion, do a little more research. Start with the Gospel of John. Then get back to me.

  2. I probably haven’t seen enough of Portlandia to give a complete assessment but the 3-4 episodes I saw were amusing although not laugh out loud funny. If anything, the writers/producers have picked up on the Progressive/Stuff White People Like vibe that I got when I went there for business a few times and a relatives wedding earlier this year. As my brother noted at the time – there can’t be that many used record shops/commie bookstores to employ all these people can there?

  3. Funny story on the Axe body spray. Close friend of mine used to be a police officer out in DC (she’s now with the DEA). At least once a year I’d fly out to visit and do ride-alongs for a week. Seeing as she knew me well and trusted me, she’d have me get of the car with her, including on traffic stops.

    One time we pulled over a kid for speeding. Car REEKED of alcohol. Plus her police flashlight had a very subtle but handy little detector on the side of it that would detect the presence of alcohol. It wasn’t admissible as evidence but it did give you a guide as to if what you were smelling was really alcohol or just bad cologne. On traffic stops she made a habit of having it resting on the drivers door, so when the driver turned his head to talk to her, his breath was usually directed right at the flashlight.

    Long story short (too late!), we both smelled alcohol. Her flashlight alcohol detector spiked when around him. He had been swerving before we pulled him over. The signs were there. She pulls him out to do the tests. He passes all with flying colors. WTF??

    Turns out he had really doused himself up with that Axe Body Spray. The smell was so bad it was mistaken by alcohol not only by use but also by her alcohol detector. Good thing they don’t make mouthwash or he would have failed his breathalyzer too.

    Tips for using Axe Body Spray:
    1) Don’t use it
    2) If your child is being held at gunpoint unless you use it, then just remember “less is more”.

  4. But the TV commericails for Axe say that if I use it, I will have sex with a woman I have just met.

    So take that , Berg and Kevin!

    While, I am off to Super America and Rainbow Foods, but first I will be putting on lots of Axe. I may not be coming home alone, if you know what I mean.

  5. My son used Axe when he was younger (20 or so). We always knew when he was going out, because we could smell the Axe 10 minutes before we saw him.
    Chuck, good luck. I hope you don’t end up with dogs chasing you down the street.

  6. LOL! Axe should be a effective rodent repellent. My son used it until he started dating his current girl friend and thankfully, she told him that she hated the smell of it, so he dropped the crap! My house smells much better and I can smell the whole damn plate of bacon that I make every day for breakfast. (With acknowledgement to Burgess Meredith’s Gus Gustafson character in Grumpier Old Men)

  7. Axe? Sheesh, kids these days. Break out the Hai Karate. Just using it turned you into a martial arts expert, which is good because you needed that to fight off all the women. Or at least it worked like that in, I think, 1964. Back then I figured it was cool to know karate because you really didn’t want women grabbing you all the time.

  8. As for The Advertising Double Standard, I am firmly convinced everyone working on Madison Ave. is a homosexual. It’s the only possible answer.

  9. Axe isn’t that bad, but the idiot kids that started an axe bomb ‘fad’ (it was basically lighting a rag and using the axe can as a ‘grenade’ I think it started circa 2006 or so) need to be beaten with an ugly stick.

  10. Nice take on the Hai Karate, Night! My father in law, who just turned 85, still has a bottle of that stuff that my wife gave him for Father’s Day in 1973 on his dresser. It is still almost full, so what does that tell you? It’s sitting right next to his bottle of Old Spice Bay Rum!

  11. Foot, try drinking Colt 45 (“works every time”) with the Sex Panther to boost your odds.

    Kermit, when you’re 8 years old girls are creepy and give you cooties if they touch you.

    Boss, your father-in-law probably realizes that at his age it’s probably not a good idea to have to be karate-chopping all the women that would flock around him. It might be interesting to see what someone might pay on eBay for a nearly full bottle of the stuff. As for me, the Pinaud Clubman they used to splash on you at the barbershop when I was a kid always seemed to me to be the quintessential masculine aroma.

  12. LOL! Forgot about that stuff! I’ll bet that we could still find a couple of old barber shops around town that use it. In fact, there is one near my office, so I think I’ll stop by and check. I’ll also look for the tell tale bottle of Vitalis that I saw in the barber shops that my dad frequented many years ago!

  13. I remember my brother and father’s cologne tastes: Brut, Old Spice, etc. I bought my dad a glass hand container filled with Skin Bracer for Christmas years ago. He’d slap it on and say, “Thanks. I needed that!”

  14. Add English Leather along to list with AXE, You probably wouldn’t need to “kill with fire” the stuff is likely to spontaneously combust.

  15. I’m surprised there hasn’t been a 15 paragraph comment by Dog Gone on the relative evils of cologne and Republican politics.

  16. DOH! I wore Brut once in a while during my high school years, but only because my girlfriend liked it.

  17. Being a guy I wear Irish Spring. That and a little Speed Stick (fresh scent). Men who wear perfume can be talked into carrying purses.

  18. If I could add one to your list:

    Vapid Morning Drive Radio Shows – I don’t care about the latest celebrity gossip on my ride to work in the morning or anytime else during the day for that matter. Nor do I care about the oh-so(un)-important “male versus female perspective” call-in polls. You’re bland, you’re boring and I can hear your audience’s IQ drop every second you’re on the radio spewing this nonsense. Want to know why there are so many accidents during the morning commute? It’s because some idiot kept his station tuned to KS95 or 107.1 until they JUST. COULDN’T. TAKE. IT. ANYMORE! If there’s a reason why the KQ Morning Show is still so popular, it’s because all of the missing testosterone from the “male hosts who want to be every woman in the audience’s non-gay gay best friend” had to go somewhere. As soon as 103.5 gets some decent reception so I can get my Davis and Emmer fix, it’ll be safe to travel again on the north side of the FM dial.

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