Please Stand By: Technical Difficulties

To: Our Loyal Readers

From: Me

Re: The Crash of Shot In The Dark

Sincere apologies for the recent lack of continuity our site has experienced of late. As I learned from my time in radio, dead air (and inside jokes by the way, but I digress) is a mortal sin as much in this medium as it is in radio.

We have made great progress in restoring the site to its retro look however the “post author” function is still busted.

I would like to take this opportunity to confess a couple things under cover of this period of anonymity.

First off, there have been many rumors that our high readership and decidedly conservative stance put Shot In The Dark on par with Fox News. As it were, Blogga Non Grata. The buzz was that our site was taken down by operatives of the Obama administration. This is only partially true.

Truth is, I was watching Robert Gibbs lie through his teeth on YouTube and as I reacted with my signature “up in arms” gesture, I spilled coffee on my keyboard. As I was cleaning up after myself, I pushed “Ctrl Alt Del” which took the whole damn site down. My bad. Sorry about that.

Secondly, I want to confess that I wear women’s clothing. A lot. Mostly in the privacy of my home. Sometimes not. I like the feel of silk as it tickles my hairy legs. I am really excited about Nicole Ritchie’s new “Winter Kate” line.

And lastly, I spend much of my spare time watching Mary Tyler More and Rhoda reruns on Hulu. Cloris Leachman was so hot back then – but even moreso: Ed Asner.

There. I feel better.

Sincerely,

Me.

What Really Happened Up There?

By now everyone has heard the sound bite from Flight 188’s First Officer Cole:

The first officer of the Northwest Airlines jet that missed its destination by 150 miles says there was no fight in the cockpit, neither he nor the captain had fallen asleep and the passengers were never in any danger.

But in an interview with The Associated Press two days after he and a colleague blew past their destination as air traffic controlled tried frantically to reach them, pilot Richard Cole would not say just what it was that led to them to forget to land Flight 188.

So just what was it?

What Really Happened in the Cockpit of NWA Flight 188?
Pilot was drawing Vikings’ plays on the nav screen like Madden; was inadvertently steering the plane
They wanted to be national heroes like Sully; Accidentally chased Canada Geese into Wisconsin
They were kissing
The Crew were watching reruns of The Office on the cockpit DVD Player
They were Hope-ing the government would Change their flightpath
They were seeking political asylum in Green Bay
They are lying; grateful that the flight recorder only records the last 30 minutes; so no snoring
  
pollcode.com free polls

If they were watching reruns of The Office on the cockpit DVD player and it was that episode where Jim tells Pam that he loves her but she can only be friends…and if the pilots didn’t cry over that episode for at least 150 miles…then I wouldn’t want them in my cockpit anyway.

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“The bad news: ACORN Appears to be a corrupt organization that aids and abets criminals and gets millions of dollars of taxpayer money”

“The good news: it appears to be well run.”

At last, we can all see exactly what a “neighborhood organizer” does before becoming a “public servant.”

Interestingly, if you rearrange* the letters in “ACORN” you get….OBAMA!

*and swap a couple out for others and use the “A” twice

Blonde Joke

Okay, maybe this is a little off topic…

OJ’s Ex-Girlfriend Thinks OJ Killed Nicole Brown Simpson

Is this same woman that is featured in the joke about the blonde that couldn’t figure out why the garage door doesn’t close when she clicks the TV Remote at it?

[Mitch, I think we need to create a “DUH” tag]

(again, please direct complaints regarding Johnny Roosh and/or this crude, tasteless, stereotypical, yet undeniably humorous post to feedbackinthedark at yahoo.com)

Lost in Space

Is NASA necessary?

…before you answer that, remember, Star Trek isn’t real, and clearly the government already knows where Uranus is.

Is there a cure for cancer or world hunger in space? Should we risk bumping into someone out there, and pissing them off? Do we need to spend Billions on a space station that will eventually burn up in our atmosphere some day?

…you know, like a Dodge pickup?

NASA invented Tang – shouldn’t they have quit at the top of their game? (shut up, Brett)

The space program “is perpetuating the perilous practice of pursuing goals that do not match allocated resources,” the U.S. Human Space Flight Plans Committee said in a summary of its report.

…Geez, must be run by a bunch of liberals or something. God forbid we lower our goals during an almost unprecedented (as of yet at least) economic crisis.

In a time when our government (and it’s people by the way) should be looking to do more with less, to work harder, save and sacrifice more, to work our way out of the hole we’ve collectively dug, Obama’s next proposal is out of this world.

Obama asked Congress in February to boost NASA’s budget by 5 percent in fiscal year 2010 to $18.7 billion and embraced Bush’s 2020 moon-return goal.

Barack Obama shares Bush’s goal to go where the sun doesn’t shine. You can pay a lot of mortgage payments with nineteen billion, Mr. Jimmy!

The increase excludes $1 billion the agency will get under economic-stimulus legislation. A 10- year projection released with Obama’s budget showed spending would remain flat for NASA in later years.

Impressive. The deficit represents IOU’s stacked from the “stairs” on Purgatory Creek all the way into space; literally and figuratively. Of course $1 Billion to a liberal is a nit; but someone mindmeld with me and explain how spending a billion on NASA is stimulating government economic growth?

(crickets are chirping but since they are part of a useless experiment in space you can’t hear them)

The public would be inspired “with a series of interesting firsts to keep them engaged and supportive,” the committee said.

Why don’t you just try putting something in the nation’s water? Seems like less trouble to me.

The panel said that Mars, already visited by U.S. robotic probes, should be the “ultimate destination” for human explorers.

Just ask the robots.

Then again, they’ve never been to a MOB night at Keegan’s, either.

Favre? …Favreau.

You think a Packers/Vikings game was a family-un-friendly cesspool of vulgarity, projectile vomit, urine and feces before?

Just wait until the Vikes/Packers games this year – assuming Favre makes it that far.

Packers fans will be leaping from the cheap seats when they see him in Purple.

Personally, I think Jon Favreau would make a better quarterback.

…at least he knows how to pronounce his name. Cheaper too.

$12M for one year? Ziggy really should have gone with the month-to-month plan.

To Be or Not To Be… A Viking

After months of back and forth indecision, the Hamlet of Hattiesburg has finally chosen to be… A Minnesota Viking:

Brett Favre will be a Viking after all.

Three weeks after the future Hall of Fame quarterback told the Vikings he had decided to remain retired, he arrived in Minnesota and prepared to sign a contract at Winter Park.

Word on the street is that Vikings coach Brad Childress called Brett Favre after being stricken with pangs of guilt over how the Sage Rosenfels / Tavaris Jackson tandem would unfairly tear up the league, obliterating quarterback passing records and leading the Vikings to an almost automatic Superbowl victory. With 40 year old Favre at the helm the Vikings should keep things a bit more even and interesting.

Kidding!

I’m thinking this image may be a wee bit closer to the true story here:

backups

The Matrix: Natural Selection Meets Text Messaging

A fifteen-year-old girl is texting while walking along a sidewalk with a friend and falls into an open manhole that workers were just about to cone off (allegedly).

She’s okay. Her parents want to sue. But who is really at fault here?

Now the important questions here are:

  1. How did both people miss an open manhole directly in their path?
  2. Did the text “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Ooof! OMG! Mother.” make it to the other party?”
  3. Would cordoning off a manhole with “Men Working” signs and orange cones have stopped an iPhone-thumbing teen any way?
  4. Why are street-level utility portals called manholes? Why not personholes?

These are questions for all mankind.

Watch the video and discuss.

In related news: Oprah Spares Two Entire Families from Falling Down a Personhole

Poll: You Can Call Me Al

Color me surprised, but as of this posting, the clear initial winner was “The Senator from New York”

After recounting and recounting however, I was able to arrive at a result more in keeping with the end I had in mind. I will hereby refer to The Senator from New York as Stuart Smalley, and in limited engagements Big Fat Idiot.

Thank you for your participation. I apologize for your disenfranchisement*.

*Yes, that’s a word.

You Can Call Me Al

As you know, Johnny Roosh likes to employ fitting nick names for political objects of disregard here at Shot In The Dark and I would once again like to enlist your input.

Best Nickname for Al Franken
Frankenfreak
Al Frucken
Lying Liar
Paul
The Senator from New York
Stuart
Big Fat Idiot
He Thinks He’s Good enough, Smart Enough, and Doggone it, He Thinks People Like Him
  
pollcode.com free polls

As always, our polls work best when you act like a Democrat: vote early, vote often. Thank you in advance.

Title courtesy Paul Simon

Firearm Sales Would Have Surged…Again

Guaranteed…had it not been an April Fool’s Joke.

Obama Changes NASCAR by Ordering GM and Chrysler Out

The list (click above) of those outlets that fell for it is pretty interesting…and bi-partisan.

Touche’ Car and Driver!

…then again…who can blame them for falling for it…anything goes in this administration.

Do I have to go the Post Office for warranty repairs on my Suburban now?

Hot Gear Friday Wednesday

May I present for this week’s Hot Gear Friday Wednesday installment, the Phillips Norelco Nose and Ear Trimmer Model NT9110.

This high-performance, smartly-designed and thoughtfully-engineered grooming aid is a quiet, yet powerful hair removal system for the demanding, highly visible, metrosexual lifestyle of prominent bloggers like Mitch Berg and your own Johnny Roosh.

The NT9110 is 100% water resistant for easy use and cleaning, runs on one widely available AA Battery and includes:

  • 2 eyebrow combs, long and short
  • 2 trimming combs
  • Protection cap
  • 2-year world wide guarantee

I especially appreciate the motor’s turbine-like smoothness, the body’s quality feel, it’s sensuous form factor, and the tactile pleasure of holding my Phillips Norelco NT9110’s Soft-Grip rubber jacket as I advance it’s humming proboscis ever deeper into my aural and nasal cavities so as to keep my nostrils and ears free of follicular overgrowth for many hours at a time.

The business end of this precision-designed grooming machine is intuitively canted to maximize comfort and reach.

The water resistant design allows full-stream rinsing to remove the bounty of organic debris that collects as you comfortably navigate the aforementioned body cavities.

The efficacy of this appliance is demonstrated here in recent photos of me “before” and “after” employing my Phillips Norelco NT9110 before a recent MOB Gala.

As you can see, I’m no April fool. So if you’re like me, and of course you are – who wouldn’t want to be – you will appreciate the ease and efficiency with which the Phillips Norelco NT9110 keeps unwanted follicles at bay, leaving you with that just-groomed look for gatherings both business…

…and pleasure.

国产 (Made in China)