(SCENE:\u00a0 At the Oceanaire – a tony seafood restaurant in Downtown Minneapolis.\u00a0\u00a0 Representative Paul Thissen, Senator Tom “Baby Got” Bakk and Speaker of the\u00a0House\u00a0Margaret Anderson-Kelliher are sitting at a table with five empty chairs.\u00a0 Anderson-Kelliher, bored, drums her fingers on the table.\u00a0 Thissen checks his watch,\u00a0and Bakk rock nervously in their seats.\u00a0)<\/p>\n
(Minneapolis Mayor R.T. Rybak enters the room<\/em>)<\/p>\n THISSEN, BAKK and ANDERSON-KELLIHER, SIMULTANEOUSLY:\u00a0 Hello, Mayor Rybak.<\/p>\n RYBAK:\u00a0 Hey, Margaret!<\/p>\n (BAKK and THISSEN, deflated, go back to gnawing on toothpicks)<\/p>\n RYBAK:\u00a0 Thanks for calling the meeting, Margaret.\u00a0 What’s up?<\/p>\n ANDERSON-KELLIHER:\u00a0 I’d like to lay out some ground rules and strategy for the campaign.<\/p>\n (SEN. MARK DAYTON walks into restaurant<\/em>).<\/p>\n RYBAK: That’s a great idea.\u00a0 (Notices DAYTON<\/em>).\u00a0 Hey, Mark!<\/p>\n DAYTON:\u00a0 Aaaaaaagh!\u00a0\u00a0 (<\/em>DAYTON dives to floor, rapidly low-crawls to the table, furtively sits in chair).<\/p>\n THISSEN:\u00a0 What’s the matter, Mark?<\/p>\n ANDERSON-KELLIHER\u00a0– Shut up<\/em>, er…<\/p>\n THISSEN: Paul…<\/p>\n ANDERSON-KELLIHER: …whatever.\u00a0 (Turns to DAYTON<\/em>)\u00a0 What’s the matter, Mark?<\/p>\n DAYTON:\u00a0 (Affixing a lobster bib<\/em>) Er, nothing.\u00a0 Why?<\/p>\n ANDERSON-KELLIHER:\u00a0 Just curious.\u00a0 (Looks at menu, as former Senator MATT ENTENZA, with wife LOIS QUAM, enter the restaurant.<\/p>\n BAKK: “Hey, Matt…”<\/p>\n ANDERSON-KELLIHER:\u00a0 I said SHUT UP<\/em>!<\/p>\n BAKK: You told Paul to shut…<\/p>\n ANDERSON-KELLIHER:\u00a0 Don’t care! <\/em>(turns to ENTENZA<\/em>) How are you today, Matt?<\/p>\n ENTENZA: I’m doing…<\/p>\n QUAM: (A little too effusive<\/em>) He’s doing just fine, Margaret!\u00a0 (ENTENZA abruptly stops).<\/p>\n ANDERSON-KELLIHER: Ah, excellent!<\/p>\n (A loud belch issues from outside the entrance.\u00a0 Rep. TOM RUKAVINA walks in, pounding his chest.\u00a0 He shakes out another mild belch<\/em>).<\/p>\n THISSEN:\u00a0 Hey, Tom…(Trails off as ANDERSON-KELLIHER stares him down; THISSEN looks bash fully at his menu<\/em>).<\/p>\n ANDERSON-KELLIHER:\u00a0 Excellent!\u00a0 I believe that’s everyone…(counts noses)…except…<\/p>\n (Harps play in the hallway.\u00a0 A little dry ice fog obscures the floor.\u00a0 Sen. JOHN MARTY, hands clasped as if in prayer before him, moves across the floor as if floating, and lands like a hummingbird on the remaining chair.\u00a0 A golden aura briefly suffuses the room, then vanishes).<\/p>\n ANDERSON-KELLIHER:\u00a0 Hey, John.<\/p>\n MARTY:\u00a0 May the blessing of my presence bring you peace.<\/p>\n ANDERSON-KELLIHER: Er, yeah.\u00a0 I called you all here today because voters are having a hard time telling the difference between us.\u00a0 For the good of the DFL race, it’d be best if we all come up with some sort of differentiation between us before the convention.<\/p>\n RYBAK:\u00a0 Primary.<\/p>\n ANDERSON-KELLIHER:\u00a0 Convention!<\/p>\n ENTENZA: Yeah, convention!.<\/p>\n QUAM:\u00a0 Primary!<\/p>\n ENTENZA: Er, yeah.\u00a0 Primary.<\/p>\n ANDERSON-KELLIHER:\u00a0 Convention!<\/p>\n THISSEN:\u00a0 Convention, just like Margaret says…<\/p>\n ANDERSON-KELLIHER:\u00a0 For the last time, shut the **** up!<\/em> (ANDERSON-KELLIHER flings a salt-shaker at THISSEN, hitting him in the face.\u00a0 He falls backward over his chair, and lies on the floor, motionless.\u00a0 DAYTON dives for the ground<\/em>).<\/p>\n ANDERSON-KELLIHER:\u00a0 Like I said, convention.\u00a0 So I’d like you all to think of things we can do to distinguish ourselves to the voters…<\/p>\n WAITRESS (Approaches with order pad in hand):\u00a0 Hello, my name is Wendy, and I’ll be your…<\/p>\n ANDERSON-KELLIHER:\u00a0 For the last ****** time, shut the **** up…<\/em><\/p>\n RYBAK: Er, Margaret?\u00a0 She’s the waitress…<\/p>\n ANDERSON-KELLIHER:\u00a0 Oh.\u00a0 Go ahead, then.<\/p>\n WAITRESS:\u00a0 Er, OK.\u00a0 Any drink orders before we order dinner?”<\/p>\n ANDERSON-KELLIHER:\u00a0 Boilermaker.<\/p>\n RYBAK: Appletini, please.\u00a0 Extra tini.<\/p>\n BAKK:\u00a0 I’ll have whatever Margaret is having.<\/p>\n THISSEN:\u00a0 (Groans incomprehensibly<\/em>)<\/p>\n RUKAVINA: Grain Belt Premium!<\/p>\n ENTENZA:\u00a0 I’ll take your house chablis…<\/p>\n QUAM:\u00a0 He’ll take the house merlot, and so will I.<\/p>\n ENTENZA:\u00a0 Er…yeah.<\/p>\n DAYTON:\u00a0 A diet Pellegrini.<\/p>\n WAITRESS:\u00a0 Sir, all Pelligrini is “Diet”.\u00a0 It’s water…<\/p>\n DAYTON:\u00a0 Two diet pellegrinis.<\/p>\n MARTY:\u00a0 I shall have a glass of water.\u00a0 But please bring it in gaseous form.<\/p>\n WAITRESS: Er…wait – you want a cup of steam<\/em>?<\/p>\n MARTY:\u00a0 As it is said, so shall it be poured.<\/p>\n WAITRESS:\u00a0 Er, OK.\u00a0 And would you all like to start a tab?<\/p>\n (All at table break up into uproarious laughter<\/em>)<\/p>\n RUKAVINA:\u00a0 Baby, you ain’t seen nothing<\/em>.<\/p>\n (WAITRESS LEAVES)<\/p>\n ANDERSON-KELLIHER: OK.\u00a0 I’d like everyone to say, for the record, what makes you different.\u00a0 Paul?<\/p>\n THISSEN:\u00a0 (Groans, puts hand on forehead<\/em>).<\/p>\n ANDERSON-KELLIHER: OK.\u00a0 Matt?<\/p>\n ENTENZA:\u00a0 (Looks at QUAM)<\/p>\n QUAM:\u00a0 He will raise taxes for a better Minnesota.<\/p>\n (ENTENZA nods enthusiastically<\/em>).<\/p>\n RYBAK:\u00a0 Well, I’ll raise taxes for a better Minnsesota, too.<\/p>\n BAKK:\u00a0\u00a0 Well, I won’t…<\/p>\n ANDERSON-KELLIHER: Yes, you will.<\/p>\n BAKK:\u00a0 Yes, I will.<\/p>\n DAYTON:\u00a0 I will raise taxes.\u00a0 For a better Minnesota.\u00a0 (Eyes door furtively).\u00a0 I will.\u00a0 I will.\u00a0 I will.<\/p>\n ANDERSON-KELLIHER:\u00a0 OK.\u00a0 Not getting what I want here…<\/p>\n RUKAVINA:\u00a0 I’ll raise taxes more <\/em>for a better Minnesota!<\/p>\n ANDERSON-KELLIHER:\u00a0 Better…<\/p>\n WAITRESS (Carrying tray of drinks<\/em>):\u00a0 OK, that’s two house Merlots,\u00a0 a Grain Belt Premium,\u00a0two Boilermakers, an Appletini, two “diet Pellegrinis” a cup of steam, and (looks at THISSEN) some smelling salts.<\/p>\n THISSEN:\u00a0 (grunts painfullly<\/em>)<\/p>\n WAITRESS:\u00a0 That’ll be $77.<\/p>\n ANDERSON-KELLIHER: No.<\/p>\n WAITRESS:\u00a0 Er, maam?\u00a0 I brought the drinks.\u00a0 You need to pay up.<\/p>\n ANDERSON-KELLIHER:\u00a0 Shut up.<\/p>\n WAITRESS:\u00a0 Maam?\u00a0 This isn’t funny.\u00a0 You wanna leave me on the look for almost $80 worth of drinks?<\/p>\n ANDERSON-KELLIHER:\u00a0 Shut up!<\/p>\n RUKAVINA:\u00a0 Yeah.\u00a0 Shut up!<\/p>\n WAITRESS:\u00a0 I’m gonna call the police.<\/p>\n ANDERSON-KELLIHER:\u00a0 (Stands at table<\/em>)\u00a0 Attention, everyone in the restaurant.\u00a0 Please pay our drink tab!\u00a0 It is for a better Minnesota!<\/p>\n (RUKAVINA, BAKK, RYBAK, QUAM, and ENTENZA applaud; DAYTON balances spoon on his finger; THISSEN groans<\/em>)<\/p>\n MARTY:\u00a0 As it is written, so shall it be done.\u00a0 (MARTY disappears in a blinding flash of pure light).<\/p>\n And…scene<\/em>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" (SCENE:\u00a0 At the Oceanaire – a tony seafood restaurant in Downtown Minneapolis.\u00a0\u00a0 Representative Paul Thissen, Senator Tom “Baby Got” Bakk and Speaker of the\u00a0House\u00a0Margaret Anderson-Kelliher are sitting at a table with five empty chairs.\u00a0 Anderson-Kelliher, bored, drums her fingers on the table.\u00a0 Thissen checks his watch,\u00a0and Bakk rock nervously in their seats.\u00a0) (Minneapolis Mayor R.T. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[20,294,2],"tags":[236],"class_list":["post-9235","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-democrats","category-favorites-politics","category-minnesota-politics","tag-dramatization"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9235","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=9235"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9235\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9237,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9235\/revisions\/9237"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=9235"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=9235"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=9235"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}