{"id":743,"date":"2007-04-20T11:30:25","date_gmt":"2007-04-20T17:30:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php\/index.php\/2007\/04\/20\/what-if-doctor-seuss-were-on-matchcom\/"},"modified":"2007-04-20T11:30:25","modified_gmt":"2007-04-20T17:30:25","slug":"what-if-doctor-seuss-were-on-matchcom","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/?p=743","title":{"rendered":"What If Doctor Seuss were on Match.com?"},"content":{"rendered":"

An exchange:<\/p>\n

I am Guy
\nI am Guy
\nGuy I am<\/p>\n

I seek a date!
\nI seek a mate!
\nI do not like
\nto have to wait!<\/p>\n

“Do you like
\nfun and romance<\/em>?”<\/p>\n

I will not wait,
\npotential mate.
\nI do not like
\nto have to wait.<\/p>\n

“Would you please
\nsend me a pic<\/em>?”<\/p>\n

I will not send
\nto you a pic.
\nTake my word,
\nI’m not an ick.
\nI do not like this
\n“sending pics”.
\nI’d rather poke my eyes
\nwith sticks.<\/p>\n

“Do you like to eat
\nTex Mex?
\nAnd would you rather
\nwait for sex?”<\/em><\/p>\n

I do not like to eat
\nTex Mex,
\nI could not, would not
\nwait for sex.
\n(I would<\/em> like sex
\nWITH tex mex…).
\nBut really do not
\nwant to wait.
\nI really really love<\/em> romance.
\nI do not like to wear my pants.<\/p>\n

“What kind of food
\ndo you like to eat?
\nAnd where on earth
\nwould you like to meet<\/em>?”<\/p>\n

Not in a car.
\nNot in a bar.
\nNot on a boat.
\nNot in a moat.
\nI would not meet for barbecue.
\nI would not meet your Uncle Hugh.
\nI would<\/em> meet if you wore lace.
\nWhy not over at MY place?<\/p>\n

“Would you, could you,
\njust slow down<\/em>?”<\/p>\n

Meet me! Meet me,
\nsomewhere downtown!<\/p>\n

“I won’t like you.
\nYou won’t like me!
\nI will not like you
\nyou will see<\/em>!”<\/p>\n

You would not, could not meet me now?
\nNot any time! not anyhow?<\/p>\n

“I do not like you in a box.
\nI do not like you pounding rocks.
\nI do not like you on your Harley.
\nNot Metallica, not\u00a0<\/em>Bob Marley<\/em><\/span>.
\nI do not like you here or there.
\nI do not like you anywhere.
\nI do not like your house or car.
\nI do not like you, Guy-you-are!”<\/em><\/p>\n

A date! A date!
\nA date! A date!
\nCould you, would you,
\nobey fate?<\/p>\n

“It’s not a date! It is not fate!
\nNeither early, Guy, nor late<\/em>!”<\/p>\n

I would not, could not, leave you be.
\nI could not, would not, set you free.
\nI won’t forget your pic on Match.
\nI won’t forget you – I’m quite a catch!
\nI will not eat crow here or there.
\nI will not eat crow anywhere.
\nI do not take rejection well,
\nI won’t forget you, Girl-From-Hell!<\/p>\n

Say!
\nIn the dark?
\nI feel a spark!
\nWould you meet me at the park?<\/p>\n

“I would not, could not,
\nin the dark.
\nI\u00a0can not, do not
\nfeel a spark.
\nNot in the dark. Not at the mall.
\nGuy, I won’t meet you at all.
\nI do not like you, Guy, you see.
\nNo booty call. No chemistry.
\nNot at the mall.\u00a0 Not once at all.
\nI will not, shall not, on the border.
\nI will get a restraining order<\/em>!<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Thank you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

An exchange: I am Guy I am Guy Guy I am I seek a date! I seek a mate! I do not like to have to wait! “Do you like fun and romance?” I will not wait, potential mate. I do not like to have to wait. “Would you please send me a pic?” I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[27],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-743","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-men-and-women"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/743","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=743"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/743\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=743"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=743"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=743"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}