{"id":74019,"date":"2020-05-05T05:00:00","date_gmt":"2020-05-05T10:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/?p=74019"},"modified":"2020-12-21T05:38:43","modified_gmt":"2020-12-21T11:38:43","slug":"safety-first","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/?p=74019","title":{"rendered":"Safety First"},"content":{"rendered":"\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\"><p>King Walz the First announced new emergency measures to combat the coronavirus.<br><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\"><p>Effective immediately, anyone entering a store to purchase groceries must stand on one foot and flap their arms like a chicken. The evidence proves that no person has died from the virus while doing that; therefore, it is the only sure guarantee of safety. That, plus washing your hands, <\/p><p>wearing your mask, and avoiding religious worship services, will save your life and the lives of others.&#8221;<\/p><p>When pressed for the details, King Walz&#8217; press secretary admitted there was no scientific evidence flapping your arms like a chicken would work, but it would amuse the governor and therefore was mandatory. Failure would be prosecuted by\u00a0$1,000\u00a0fine and 90 days in jail.<\/p><p>Republicans in the state legislature were too embarrassed to seek to overturn the order. Instead, they were working on a bill to repeal the crime of adultery. &#8220;We have to get our priorities straight,&#8221; the Minority Leader said.<\/p><p>Joe Doakes, reporting live, from the capitol.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p>It&#8217;s only satire if it&#8217;s pretty much not true. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>King Walz the First announced new emergency measures to combat the coronavirus. Effective immediately, anyone entering a store to purchase groceries must stand on one foot and flap their arms like a chicken. The evidence proves that no person has died from the virus while doing that; therefore, it is the only sure guarantee of [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[416,2],"tags":[423],"class_list":["post-74019","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-covid19","category-minnesota-politics","tag-the-endless-emergency"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/74019","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=74019"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/74019\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":74023,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/74019\/revisions\/74023"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=74019"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=74019"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=74019"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}