I was cutting my grass over the weekend when I was approached by a late-fiftysomething couple bearing clipboards and carrying a briefcase.\u00a0 She was prematurely gray, ponytailed, wearing a faded “Don’t Park The Bus” t-shirt and a peasant skirt.\u00a0 Come to think of it, so was he.<\/p>\n
The following conversation happened:<\/p>\n
WOMAN (Prematurely gray, ponytailed, wearing a faded “Don’t Park The Bus” t-shirt and a peasant skirt): “Excuse me, sir…”<\/p>\n
MITCH: Yes?\u00a0<\/p>\n
WOMAN:\u00a0 Have you heard about the government’s “Moola for Mowers” program?\u00a0<\/p>\n
MITCH: Er…no?<\/p>\n
MAN: We offer…<\/p>\n
WOMAN:\u00a0 SHUT UP!\u00a0 (Man shinks).\u00a0 We offer people $5,000 to get rid of their energy-inefficient lawn mowers.<\/p>\n
MITCH: Er – Five thousand<\/em> dollars?\u00a0 For lawn mowers?\u00a0 Like this <\/em>one?<\/p>\n MAN:\u00a0 Exactly like…<\/p>\n WOMAN:\u00a0 SHUT UP!\u00a0 (Man cowers as if he expects to be struck) Yes, sir.\u00a0 Exactly like that one.<\/p>\n MITCH:\u00a0 Um…OK?\u00a0 So what do I do?<\/p>\n (MAN pulls ball-peen hammer from briefcase).<\/p>\n WOMAN:\u00a0 We give you $5,000 in cash, and Bhill here will destroy it.<\/p>\n MITCH:\u00a0 But I got this mower at a rummage sale for like $30…<\/p>\n MAN: Not a…<\/p>\n WOMAN:\u00a0 SHUT UP AND STOP UPSTAGING ME!<\/em>\u00a0 (Man falls mute, looking like a dog that’s been beaten too much) Sir, that’s really not the issue here.\u00a0 We need to get this mower off the street.\u00a0 Would you like $5,000, or not?<\/p>\n MITCH: Sure!<\/p>\n (WOMAN peels off fifty $100 bills.\u00a0 MITCH takes them, stuffs them into wallet).<\/p>\n WOMAN: Yes!\u00a0 The program is a success!\u00a0 Bhill?<\/p>\n MAN (trudges to mower, like he spends half his time just covering up, and beats it weakly about the cylinder head)<\/p>\n MITCH:\u00a0 So…you getting a lot of takers?<\/p>\n WOMAN: Oh, yes!\u00a0 Everyone we’ve talked to has taken the $5,000 for their mower!\u00a0 Indeed,\u00a0one man told his neighbors, and the all <\/em>brought out mowers and\u00a0snowblowers!\u00a0 It’s the most successful government program ever<\/em>!<\/p>\n MITCH:\u00a0 I’d imagine…<\/p>\n MAN: (Smacks the head\u00a0until the spark plug breaks off).<\/p>\n WOMAN:\u00a0 Yaaaaaay<\/em>!\u00a0 Total success!\u00a0 Complete proof that Obama has brought hope and change!<\/p>\n MITCH: Why?\u00a0 Because I got $5,000 in taxpayer money for a $30 mower?<\/p>\n WOMAN (happily):\u00a0 Yes!<\/p>\n MITCH: And because all my neighbors got the same for mowers that maybe ran $50-200?<\/p>\n WOMAN (ecstatic): Yes<\/em>!<\/p>\n MITCH: But whomever is funding this “program” just got ripped off to the tune of about 99.4% of their “investment”, which…<\/p>\n WOMAN (nonplussed):\u00a0 But…a gas-guzzling mower is off the street!<\/p>\n MITCH: Right – for 100 times what it could have cost!<\/p>\n WOMAN: (Silent for a moment):\u00a0 Why do you hate children?<\/p>\n MAN (glares at woman demonically)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I was cutting my grass over the weekend when I was approached by a late-fiftysomething couple bearing clipboards and carrying a briefcase.\u00a0 She was prematurely gray, ponytailed, wearing a faded “Don’t Park The Bus” t-shirt and a peasant skirt.\u00a0 Come to think of it, so was he. The following conversation happened: WOMAN (Prematurely gray, ponytailed, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[68,64],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5183","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-capitalism-v-socialism","category-president-obama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5183","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5183"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5183\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5183"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5183"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5183"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}