{"id":41075,"date":"2014-01-13T11:30:42","date_gmt":"2014-01-13T17:30:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/?p=41075"},"modified":"2014-01-13T11:30:51","modified_gmt":"2014-01-13T17:30:51","slug":"one-day-at-independence-party-headquarters","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/?p=41075","title":{"rendered":"One Day At “Independence” Party Headquarters"},"content":{"rendered":"

SCENE: \u00a0A Ramada Inn in Inver Grove Heights. \u00a0Outside the hotel, the letter-board sign says “Independence Party now accepting Applications to run for US Senate”. \u00a0The sign is subtitled “No Experience Necessary”.<\/em><\/p>\n

Cut to inside a small meeting room inside the hotel.\u00a0 Posters of Jesse Ventura and Dean Barkley prominently adorn the wall behind three people sitting at a long table.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Mince MIETZ, a short scholarly-looking man in his thirties clad in an ill-fitting tweed jacket bearing a button identifying him as the “Independence” Party deputy director for protocol, is holding candidate screenings in a small conference room. \u00a0Along with MIETZ sits Verdana FONT, a serious-looking short-haired fifty-something woman in short hair and a peasant skirt.\u00a0 She is the Indy Party’s secretary.\u00a0 Lionel BULK, a sixtyish, professorial looking fellow with a meerchaum pipe and a bow tie, sits to their left.<\/em><\/p>\n

MIETZ: \u00a0I call this meeting of the Independence Party US Senate Nominations Committee to order!<\/p>\n

FONT: Excellent!<\/p>\n

BULK: \u00a0Remember. \u00a0We’re going to stick to the Independence Party’s core principles!<\/p>\n

<\/strong>FONT: \u00a0Right. \u00a0Speaking of which, Mince, would you read those to me so I can…<\/p>\n

MIETZ: \u00a0(Yells out the door) Next!<\/p>\n

(In the door walks Thorn THOMAS, a tidy, trim man of about sixty with horn-rimmed glasses in a houndstooth suit).<\/p>\n

FONT: Have a seat, Mr. Thomas!<\/p>\n

THOMAS: \u00a0(Softly). Thank you.<\/p>\n

BULK: \u00a0So, Mr. Thomas – what’s your background, that would qualify you to run for the United States Senate?<\/p>\n

THOMAS: \u00a0I was undersecretary of Commerce for Differential Tax Application Theory under the Carlson Administration. \u00a0In that capacity, I was in charge of calculating tax differentials based on abstruse accounting theories intended to find relationships between dissimilar cultural phenomenae and tax receipts. \u00a0Then, I formed a Public Relations agency, where I’ve mostly represented Minnesota social service non-profits. \u00a0I ran for Hennepin County Soil and Water Commission in 2004 as a non-partisan candidate endorsed by the Minnesota Federation of Teachers, the SEIU, ISAIAH and the Teamsters. \u00a0And I am a permanent, tenured adjunct at the Humphrey Center.<\/p>\n

MIETZ: \u00a0Excellent. \u00a0So – what would be your platform if you were to get the Independence Party nomination to run against the GOP nominee?<\/p>\n

BULK: Umm…<\/p>\n

MIETZ: …and Al Franken.<\/p>\n

THOMAS: \u00a0I believe in not just good\u00a0<\/em>government, but the best\u00a0<\/em>government. \u00a0I believe if we give government the people, money and respect it needs, everyone benefits.<\/p>\n

(MIETZ, BULK and FONT confer briefly).<\/p>\n

MIETZ: \u00a0Excellent, Mr. Thomas. \u00a0Thank you! \u00a0Please leave a resume and a head shot.<\/p>\n

(THOMAS leaves a manila folder and leaves the room)<\/p>\n

FONT: \u00a0Well, he certainly seems to be an homage <\/em>to the Independence Party’s roots, a la <\/em>Tim Penny and Dean Barkley!<\/p>\n

MIETZ: \u00a0Yep. \u00a0I believe we could get behind him! \u00a0(Yells out door) Next!<\/p>\n

(In the door walks Garth MULLER, former\u00a0Vice Chair for Ideological Purity at the Minnesota 5th CD Libertarian Party. \u00a0We walks in at the head of a bearded, bow-tied entourage of twenty-and-thirty-ish white males, many of whom are chuckling and giggling softly as they line up along the wall as MULLER takes his seat).<\/p>\n

MIETZ: \u00a0And you are…?<\/p>\n

MULLER: \u00a0I’m Garth Muller. \u00a0I’m an anarcho-libertarian. \u00a0I was a conservative Republican, but then I decided to support Ron Paul. \u00a0I now believe all parties are exactly identical, although I think the Independence Party is different (members of bearded, bow-tied retinue chuckle impulsively).<\/p>\n

BULK: \u00a0Excellent. \u00a0So – your platform?<\/p>\n

MULLER: \u00a0Abolish all government. \u00a0Make all human interactions voluntary.<\/p>\n

FONT: \u00a0So…legalize everything.<\/p>\n

MULLER:\u00a0\u00a0No.\u00a0 To “legalize” something implies we recognize the legitimacy of law in the first place. \u00a0Abolish law and all means to enforce it. \u00a0It’s all just a form of force inflicted on the people.\u00a0<\/p>\n

FONT:\u00a0 So you used <\/em>to be a Republican…<\/p>\n

MULLER:\u00a0 Most of us used <\/em>to be (a few scattered hisses break out among the entourage) but after what happened at the convention in 2012, I’ll never vote Republican again.\u00a0<\/p>\n

MIETZ: \u00a0Thank you very much, Mr. Muller! \u00a0Please leave a resume and a head shot. \u00a0(MULLER’s entourage breaks out laughing at term “head shot” as they leave the room).<\/p>\n

BULK: \u00a0In the 30 years I spent in the DFL, I never heard of such a thing.<\/p>\n

MIETZ: \u00a0(sotto voce<\/em> with a conspiratorial grin) Oh, I bet you have not, Lionel. \u00a0(To BULK): \u00a0Oh, I have. \u00a0Like a lot of disaffected Republicans.<\/p>\n

FONT: \u00a0A lot?<\/p>\n

MIETZ: \u00a0Enough! \u00a0No, he matches the Independence Party’s principles perfectly fine, too! OK – who’s next?<\/p>\n

FONT:\u00a0 Wait – Muller and Thomas were absolute opposites!\u00a0 One was a Carlson Republican, and the other was so far out on the Libertarian wing that Ron Paul would probably tell him to take it easy…<\/p>\n

MIETZ:\u00a0 Yeah!\u00a0\u00a0 I know!<\/p>\n

(Avery LIBRELLE walks into the room, leaves a resume and a head shot).<\/p>\n

MIETZ: \u00a0And you are Avery Librelle? \u00a0Have a seat!<\/p>\n

LIBRELLE: \u00a0I prefer to stand!<\/p>\n

For the injustices we face are too great, the enemies that support them too entrenched, and the damange they are causing too horrible, for a thinking person to sit! \u00a0It is time to RISE!<\/p>\n

(FONT dabs a tear from her eye. \u00a0So does BULK).<\/p>\n

MIETZ: \u00a0So what prompts you to run on the Independence Party ticket?<\/p>\n

LIBRELLE: \u00a0The needs – a strong social safety net, teachers that want for nothing, single payer healthcare, and equality for all – are needs that my mentor Paul Wellstone instilled in me from an impressionable age!<\/p>\n

But then the DFL betrayed us, and I believe its time for a different party to…<\/p>\n

MIETZ: \u00a0Oh, look at the time. \u00a0We’ll be in touch!<\/p>\n

(LIBRELLE leaves the room).<\/p>\n

FONT: \u00a0(wiping tears from her eyes). \u00a0What? \u00a0Librelle was perfect!<\/p>\n

BULK: \u00a0Yes – that was a perfect encapsulation of what the Independence Party stood for back when it was founded!<\/p>\n

MIETZ: \u00a0Well, yes. \u00a0But then the first two were even better!<\/p>\n

FONT: \u00a0How so?<\/p>\n

MIETZ: \u00a0You’re new at this, aren’t you?<\/p>\n

BULK: \u00a0Well, I’m new to the Independence Party.<\/p>\n

MIETZ: \u00a0Everyone <\/em>is new to the Independence Party! \u00a0 It’s like this…<\/p>\n

(Gretel STROMBERG walks into the room. \u00a0The\u00a0Executive Director of \u201cMinnesotans United for All Progressive Causes\u201d, she is dressed in a low-cut black cocktail dress and a pair of strappy black high-heeled “talk politics to me” pumps)<\/p>\n

(Without a word, STROMBERG slinks around behind BULK, who sits, speechlessly, as STROMBERG drags her black boa around his neck, breathing seductively in his ear. \u00a0She then leaves a box of chocolates in front of FONT, nibbles on MIETZ’ earlobe, and leaves a paper bag full of $20 bills labelled “Best Regards, \u201cMinnesotans United for All Progressive Causes; Don’t Show This Bag To The Campaign Finance Board! \u00a0XOXOXO, MUFAPC!\u201d on the chair where the candidates had been)<\/p>\n

(Then STROMBERG leaves, as quietly as she came, leaving only the scent of her perfume)<\/p>\n

MIETZ: \u00a0So yeah. \u00a0I think MULLER matches our principles this year.<\/p>\n

(And SCENE).<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

SCENE: \u00a0A Ramada Inn in Inver Grove Heights. \u00a0Outside the hotel, the letter-board sign says “Independence Party now accepting Applications to run for US Senate”. \u00a0The sign is subtitled “No Experience Necessary”. Cut to inside a small meeting room inside the hotel.\u00a0 Posters of Jesse Ventura and Dean Barkley prominently adorn the wall behind three […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[155],"tags":[236],"class_list":["post-41075","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-mn-congressional","tag-dramatization"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/41075","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=41075"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/41075\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":41108,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/41075\/revisions\/41108"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=41075"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=41075"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=41075"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}