History marches on.\u00a0 After the great Eden Prairie riots (which occurred after a “police beating” in Blaine, for reasons that were chalked up to confusion among the “demonstrators”), more violence broke out in the ring of decrepid, desperate, DFL-dominated suburbs surrounding the city.<\/p>\n
(The scare quotes around “demonstrators” will be explained later.<\/p>\n
This takes us into the mid-2040’s.<\/p>\n
———-<\/p>\n
July 8, 2041
\n<\/font>Burbs Still Cleaning Up After Cataclysmic Riots: Residents Demand Answers
\n<\/strong>Megan Megan Megan-Megan, Minnesota Codependent<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\nThe fallout from the Great Suburban Riots is still reverberating throughout the suburbs.<\/p>\n
Eden Prairie, Blaine, Lakeville, Woodbury and Lino Lakes were all heavily damaged during riots after a pair of policemen were acquitted for assaulting a couple of local men.<\/p>\n
The rebuilding effort is running into some obstacles.<\/p>\n
“Part of the problem” according to Bluffy Sansevere, of “Suburbs Need Money” , a performance-art advocacy group, “is that homeowners aren’t moving back to the suburbs”.<\/p>\n
“We’ve been trying to emulate the tactic that worked so well for the uncaring Republican inner-city – having all sorts of housing stock available for people to move into.\u00a0 We even started a program putting people to work at government expense to bring these buildings up to full city, state, federal, emotional and ethical code, and passing the cost on to the uncaring Republican who buys the home.\u00a0 But we haven’t had any takers”.<\/p>\n
Another problem; the vandalism continues.\u00a0 “We’ve actually rebuilt some houses – as high-density group homes, naturally – and they’ve been promptly burned down.\u00a0 And there’s been nothing we could do about it, since the Plochman<\/em> case”, says Annette Plover, DFL senator from Wellstone (formerly Minnetonka).\u00a0 He’s referring to Plochman Vs. Inver Grove Heights<\/em>, a Supreme Court case that affirmed that vandalism was a form of art protected by the First Amendment.\u00a0 The case, which was handed down during the Obama Administration in 2018 by former Chief Justice Kucinich (appointed in 2011 by then-President Obama) has not yet been reversed.<\/p>\n
“It’s like pushing a hose up a hill” she added.<\/p>\n
In related news, “Hose Esteem” – a program that taught self-esteem by teaching troubled suburban teens to push hoses up hills – was cancelled due to excessive vandalism.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
\u00a0———-<\/p>\n
September 6, 2044<\/small>
\nCities Abolish Property Tax: Residents Demand Answers
\n<\/strong>Achmad Epstein, Fraters Omnisciens<\/em><\/p>\nMayors Trixie Coleman of\u00a0Saint\u00a0Paul and Bucky Prathanshaniam of Minneapolis met at the crown of the Marshall-Lake Bridge yesterday, and tossed a symbolic, bronzed property-tax assessment into the Mississippi\u00a0River to mark the end of the property tax.<\/p>\n
The tax –\u00a0long a standard revenue-generator in the Twin Cities – became obsolete due to increasing sales taxes and user fees.<\/p>\n
“These cities”,\u00a0Mayor Coleman noted in her prepared speech “make so much money due to the whole ‘overheated economy’ thing, that morality demands<\/em> we stop taking so friggin’ much of it!”<\/p>\n
A\u00a0thin film\u00a0of protesters\u00a0gathered at the Mall of\u00a0America to\u00a0demonstrate against the abolition.\u00a0 “In the whole history of my family”, said Annabelle-Annaliese Fromholz-Bisbee\u00a0of Elko, “nobody has ever <\/em>been able to find Saint Paul – so we met here.\u00a0 Anyway – this is money that should by all rights be going to the needy in\u00a0Savage and Forest Lake!”\u00a0<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
———-<\/p>\n
April 12, 2046<\/small>
\nDFL Suburbs Unveil “Happy To Pay For The Great Leap” Plan
\n<\/strong>Mark 3, Generic News<\/em><\/p>\nMayor Kim Jung-Bill of Maple Grove declared the first step of his five-year plan to revitalize Maple Grove “a complete success”.<\/p>\n
“To help prevent ‘white flight’ – people moving farther out in the ‘burbs to avoid suburban blight and find more progressive policies – we’ve found that some of the traditional incentives, like taxing people and businesses that tried to move away, while useful, didn’t go far enough”.\u00a0<\/p>\n
The “Human Severance Tax” Jung-Bill instituted in 2040 didn’t make a lot of money – but it did create a new revenue stream.\u00a0 “People trying to leave Maple Grove started trying to load up trucks and move out under cover of darkness.\u00a0 Arresting and fining them bough us some time, but Illlegal Emigration remained a seriously problem”<\/p>\n
“Finally”, he adds, “we had to build The Happy To Live Here For A Better Maple Grove Wall”.\u00a0 The controversial 15 mile brick wall, with gates at six key exits, has cut down drastically on emigration from Maple Grove.<\/p>\n
“The standard of living, and government revenue, haven’t increased just <\/em>yet.\u00a0 But it’s right around the corner!”.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
———-<\/p>\n
Friday:\u00a0 The conclusion.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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