I went to downtown Saint Paul this morning to rent a room for the evening. \u00a0I figured if I was going to be dealing with Minnesoita’s chanting class – the mass of chant-bots that the unions and astroturf groups like “Take Action Minnesota” can spawn to protest wherever needed – I’d need a drink or fifteen. \u00a0I’d no doubt be too hammered to take the bus, much less drive.<\/p>\n
I went to the front desk to reserve my room.<\/p>\n
The clerk – a chipper Hispanic woman named Rosa – asked me for my ID.<\/p>\n
“That’s ironic, isn’t it?”, I chuckled. \u00a0“I’m here to cover people who think there should be no photo IDs to vote, and you’re asking me for a photo ID to get a hotel room!”<\/p>\n
“Ha ha, sir”, Rosa answered through a half-hearted smile.<\/p>\n
“Sorry about that”, I said.<\/p>\n
“No, I’m sorry – it’s my fault. \u00a0We have some, um, difficult guests”, she said, sotto voce<\/em>. \u00a0 “They were up partying all night. \u00a0They don’t tip – they say tipping is “for the 1%”, and that the waitstaff and bellhops should do their job “out of solidarity with the 99%””.<\/p>\n “Oh, no. \u00a0Who are they…”<\/p>\n She shook her head as the door opened. \u00a0“Can’t talk now”, she said, looking at the group coming through the door.<\/p>\n A group of short men in bright pastel clothing with chemical tans walked through the lobby. \u00a0Curiously, they were chanting. \u00a0I recorded the chant, and present the transcription, unedited.<\/p>\n Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dounted<\/p>\n We demand every vote be counted!<\/p>\n Oompa Loompa Doopity Dipocrit<\/p>\n If you ask ID, then you are a hypocrite!<\/p><\/blockquote>\n One of the men, in an intonation-challenged Irish tenor, then took a solo<\/p>\n The 99 percent can’t get an ID!<\/p>\n They’re for the one percent, not for you or for me!<\/p>\n What if you ask me to prove who I am?<\/p>\n That’s what I call…<\/p>\n [Bass voice takes over]<\/p>\n Intimidation!<\/p><\/blockquote>\n The rest of the group came in:<\/p>\n Oompa Looompa Doopity Doblem<\/p>\n There never has been a voter fraud problem.<\/p>\n Oompah Loompa Doopity Remand<\/p>\n We insist on no IDs like the Oompa Loompa Doompa Scroompa Froompa Loompas Doompity Demand!<\/p><\/blockquote>\n They marched up the hall to their rooms, except for one who ambled over to the desk.<\/p>\n “You don’t see that every day”, I said. \u00a0But Rosa had already turned her attention to the fellow from the group.<\/p>\n I turned, looked down, and recognized the fellow as Edgar Torvaldsbladson – better known by his Twitter handle, “EightballEdgar”. \u00a0He shoots a lot of pool, apparently. \u00a0At least, I don’t think <\/em>he’s a crack user, and I’m pretty sure it refers to pool.<\/p>\n “Can I help you, sir?” Rosa asked.<\/p>\n “YES! PLEASE SEND BOOZE TO MY ROOM!” EightballEdgar\u00a0exclaimed.<\/p>\n The volume startled me. \u00a0Rosa didn’t skip a beat. \u00a0“Er, that’d be a room service request. \u00a0Do you have a credit card on file…”<\/p>\n “WHAT ARE YOU, A 99PNJ?”<\/p>\n “A what?”<\/p>\n “NINETY-NINE-PERCENT NUT JOB!”<\/p>\n “Er, sir? \u00a0I just have to make sure the booze is paid for…”<\/p>\n “FINE!”, he bellowed, digging a card out of the oily \u00a0brim of his little green homburg.<\/p>\n “Hey,\u00a0EightballEdgar, how ya doing! \u00a0Long time no see!”<\/p>\n He looked up at me. \u00a0“I AM HERE TO PROTEST THE DISENFRANCISEMENT OF THE POOR BY THE VOTER ID BILL AS PART OF A SPONTANEOUS DEMONSTRATION”.<\/p>\n “Ah. \u00a0Well, cool. \u00a0Hey – did you have to show the hotel an ID to book your room?”<\/p>\n “SO? \u00a0BOOKING A HOTEL ISN’T A RIGHT IN THE CONSTITUTION, LIKE ABORTION”.<\/p>\n “Um, yeah”, I answered as Rosa wrinkled her nose silently in distaste. \u00a0“I didn’t say it was; merely that society takes all sorts of prudent measures to ensure people are who they say they are”.<\/p>\n EightballEdgar\u00a0looked at me. \u00a0“YOUR SUIT LOOKS STUPID”.<\/p>\n “Perhaps, but that’s not really the point”.<\/p>\n “YOU WERE PULLED OVER IN 2004 FOR DRIVING WITH EXPIRED TABS!”<\/p>\n “I was indeed. \u00a0Now, about the topic of voter ID. \u00a0You’re right. \u00a0Hotel rooms aren’t constitutional rights. \u00a0Voting is. \u00a0But we demand ID as a reasonable restriction on many constitutional rights. \u00a0For example, my Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms is spelled out in the Constitution, and is defined as an individual right which was incorporated in very literal form on the States by the Heller <\/em>and McDonald <\/em>decisions. \u00a0But as a reasonable restriction – to ensure that I am who I say I am – I have to present an ID to buy ammunition or rifles, and show an ID and <\/em>pass a background check to get a permit to purchase a handgun, to actually buy the handgun, and to apply for a permit to carry that handgun, not to mention to rent time at a shooting range to actually practice with the thing!”.<\/p>\n His eyes opened wide, and he started hopping up and down. \u00a0“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! \u00a0WHAT PART OF “WELL-REGULATED” CONFUSES YOU, YOU IDIOT! \u00a0HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!”<\/p>\n “It meant “can hit what they aim at”, but that’s neither here nor there. \u00a0Let’s say I want to carry out my first amendment right to petition to seek a redress of grievances…”<\/p>\n “YOU AND YOUR FANCY LAWYER TALK!”<\/p>\n