I had a chance to sit down with Sol Gallivan.\u00a0 By day, he’s a data entry clerk at a regional gas station chain.\u00a0 In his free time, though, he is Woodbury’s self-anointed “Guardian of Empiricism”.\u00a0<\/p>\n
I sat down with him in his apartment along Valley Creek Lane.\u00a0 He was dressed in his royal-blue leotard, a red and yellow “GoE” shield embroidered to the front, a red cape slung jauntily over his shoulder.\u00a0 He poured a Chocolate YooHoo onto a bowl of Captain Crunch as we spoke.<\/p>\n
MITCH: So you call yourself the East Metro’s “Guardian of Empiricism”.\u00a0 What does that mean?<\/p>\n
GALLIVAN: I find places where people are behaving irrationally, and I go and mock them.<\/p>\n
MITCH: Er, OK – give me an example of this…<\/p>\n
GALLIVAN:\u00a0\u00a0I went to Best Buy on Black Friday.<\/p>\n
MITCH:\u00a0And…?<\/p>\n
GALLIVAN:\u00a0\u00a0I stood by the cash register and yelled at people who were buying extended warranty protection.\u00a0<\/p>\n
MITCH:\u00a0 Er…you yelled at them<\/em>?<\/p>\n GALLIVAN:\u00a0\u00a0I yelled HEY! DON’T YOU KNOW THAT MOST PRODUCTS DON’T GO BAD DURING THE WARRANTY PERIOD?\u00a0 YOU ARE BEING IRRATIONAL!<\/p>\n MITCH:\u00a0 Er – well, be that as it may, it’s their choice…<\/p>\n GALLIVAN:\u00a0\u00a0Right.\u00a0 And it’s my choice to mock them for it!\u00a0 Because they’re gullible<\/em>!<\/p>\n MITCH:\u00a0 Well, sure – everyone who’s ever worked in the industry knows those warranties are prett much a cash cow for the business.\u00a0 Still, it’s their choice!\u00a0 What difference does it make to you?<\/p>\n GALLIVAN:\u00a0\u00a0They have done something mockable!\u00a0 It is my duty and mission to mock it!<\/p>\n MITCH:\u00a0Duty and mission to whom<\/em>?<\/p>\n GALLIVAN:\u00a0\u00a0Empiricism!<\/p>\n MITCH:\u00a0Sounds like your mission is to be a self-proclaimed, solipsistic pain in the ass!<\/p>\n GALLIVAN:\u00a0\u00a0That’s what the security guard said as they threw me out on the street.\u00a0 Irrational sheeple!<\/p>\n MITCH:\u00a0 OK.\u00a0 So you yell at people in checkout lines…<\/p>\n GALLIVAN:\u00a0\u00a0Oh, don’t you underestimate me!\u00a0 That’s just a time-killer!\u00a0 The other day,\u00a0I went to a H’Mong wedding.\u00a0You know the bride was like fifteen, right?<\/p>\n MITCH:\u00a0 Right.\u00a0 It’s their cultural custom.<\/p>\n GALLIVAN:\u00a0\u00a0Right.\u00a0 And so I\u00a0 jumped up by the witch doctor or the Oobadooba or whatever you call him, and yelled “HEY!\u00a0 GETTING MARRIED AT THIS AGE IS IRRATIONAL!\u00a0<\/p>\n MITCH:\u00a0 Wait – you interrupted someone’s wedding to insult their cultural norm…<\/p>\n GALLIVAN:\u00a0\u00a0Not just a “cultural norm” – an “irrational” cultural norm that is just stupid!<\/p>\n MITCH:\u00a0 Um…OK.\u00a0<\/p>\n GALLIVAN:\u00a0\u00a0I walked into a Green Bay Packer bar and turned off the big screen TV, and yelled at them that they were empirically wasting their time watching football!\u00a0 They should be reading a good book!\u00a0 On biology!<\/p>\n MITCH:\u00a0I bet that went well!<\/p>\n GALLIVAN:\u00a0\u00a0They were too drunk to catch me before I got out the kitchen door.<\/p>\n MITCH:\u00a0I bet.\u00a0\u00a0 Coulda been your funeral…<\/p>\n GALLIVAN: Oh, speaking of which!\u00a0 Yes!\u00a0 Funerals are the best<\/em>!\u00a0 I love going to funerals and jumping up during the happy-talk, and yelling HEY, YOU GULLIBLE PEOPLE!\u00a0 IT’S ALL JUST GOING TO DECOMPOSE!<\/p>\n MITCH:\u00a0 To a room full of the bereaved?<\/p>\n GALLIVAN:\u00a0 They’ll thank me later.\u00a0<\/p>\n MITCH: Right.<\/p>\n GALLIVAN:\u00a0\u00a0And don’t get me started on churches.<\/p>\n MITCH:\u00a0Hm.<\/p>\n GALLIVAN:\u00a0\u00a0But since you did – hooie!\u00a0 Stupid, gullible people!<\/p>\n MITCH:\u00a0Why?<\/p>\n GALLIVAN:\u00a0\u00a0Because there is no empirical basis for religion!<\/p>\n MITCH:\u00a0 When has anyone ever said there was?\u00a0<\/p>\n GALLIVAN:\u00a0\u00a0 Exactly!<\/p>\n MITCH:\u00a0 No, not<\/em> exactly.\u00a0\u00a0 Faith isn’t about empirical belief.\u00a0 It’s about answering the questions that science doesn’t, and most likely can not.<\/p>\n GALLIVAN:\u00a0\u00a0G’huck.\u00a0 Right.\u00a0 How stupid!\u00a0 Science explains everything.<\/p>\n MITCH:\u00a0 How did life start?<\/p>\n GALLIVAN:\u00a0\u00a0A bunch of chemicals randomly formed and were hit by lightning.<\/p>\n MITCH:\u00a0 And you empirically know this how?\u00a0 There’s been no empirical, testable means to show not only how life began, but how human life evolved in the time we’ve had to develop things like “consciousness” and such.\u00a0 None!<\/p>\n GALLIVAN:\u00a0\u00a0We…well, we will know it someday.<\/p>\n MITCH:\u00a0 How?<\/p>\n GALLIVAN:\u00a0\u00a0Well, I believe we…<\/p>\n MITCH:\u00a0 What’s that?<\/p>\n GALLIVAN:\u00a0\u00a0I…er…<\/p>\n [faint smell of urine]<\/p>\n MITCH:\u00a0 Anyway.\u00a0 What’s your next project?<\/p>\n GALLIVAN:\u00a0\u00a0On “Christmas” morning, I’m going to go around and tell kids there is no Santa Claus.<\/p>\n MITCH:\u00a0 Sounds like you’re less a “Guardian of Empiricism” and more of a self-centered narcissist who gets a kick out of trying to poke holes in whatever happiness other people choose, for reasons of their own, to have in their lives.\u00a0 I mean, it’s their business, not yours, right?<\/p>\n GALLIVAN: No.\u00a0 Anywhere someone does something gullible, in whatever part of their life, for whatever reason, it’s my business.\u00a0<\/p>\n MITCH: That’s just…I’m sorry.\u00a0 Words fail me.\u00a0 Oh wait – one more question.\u00a0 Do you mock people who believe that human life begins at birth?\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 So that people who get abortions in, say, the second trimester are killing a human being, because empirically, infants delivered in the middle of the second trimester are, empirically, alive today?<\/p>\n GALLIVAN:\u00a0 What are you, a neanderthal?\u00a0 That’s a womyn’s choice and personal business!<\/p>\n MITCH: Unlike culture, faith or choice of football team?<\/p>\n GALLIVAN:\u00a0\u00a0You are stupid.\u00a0 It’s because you are very gullible.\u00a0 Pardon me, I need to go and change…<\/p>\n MITCH:\u00a0 By all means.\u00a0 I think we’re done…<\/p>\n GALLIVAN:\u00a0 Live long and prosper!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I had a chance to sit down with Sol Gallivan.\u00a0 By day, he’s a data entry clerk at a regional gas station chain.\u00a0 In his free time, though, he is Woodbury’s self-anointed “Guardian of Empiricism”.\u00a0 I sat down with him in his apartment along Valley Creek Lane.\u00a0 He was dressed in his royal-blue leotard, a 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