The following scene presumes – heaven forfend – that Mark Dayton wins the election.<\/p>\n
SCENE: \u00a0Office of Governor Mark Dayton. \u00a0Dayton is sitting in his chair, idly twirling a nut back and forth on a bolt.<\/p>\n
DAYTON: (Continues to twirl bolt for about five minutes, back and forth and back and forth…<\/em>)<\/p>\n (Esme Murphy – the Governor’s communications director – bursts into the room<\/em>)<\/p>\n MURPHY – Sir, we have a problem.<\/p>\n DAYTON: \u00a0Is it time for you to paint my toenails again?<\/p>\n MURPHY: No, sir, that was only during interviews during the campaign. \u00a0We have a serious <\/em>problem here.<\/p>\n DAYTON: (stares into distance, idly spinning nut on bolt<\/em>) Oh.<\/p>\n MURPHY: The House Republicans have blocked your budget proposal.<\/p>\n DAYTON: (looks up from nut and bolt, looks wordlessly toward Murphy without really focusing<\/em>)<\/p>\n MURPHY: Sir, this is a bit of a political emergency.<\/p>\n DAYTON: (Focuses, just a bit<\/em>)<\/p>\n MURPHY: Shall I summon your advisers, sir?<\/p>\n DAYTON: (Nods. \u00a0Maybe. \u00a0Kinda.<\/em>)<\/p>\n MURPHY (leaves room<\/em>)<\/p>\n DAYTON: (goes back to idly spinning nut on bolt<\/em>)<\/p>\n Three minutes pass. \u00a0Then Murphy re-enters, with Secretary of State Ritchie, House Minority Leader Rukavina, Senate Minority Leader Marty, Budget Director Denise Cardinal, and Representative Phyllis Kahn. \u00a0Chief of Staff Mike Hatch enters last, as Murphy starts to speak. <\/em><\/p>\n MURPHY: The rest will be here shortly; Rachel Stassen-Berger is working with a photographer on making them better-looking on camera.<\/p>\n (Group assembles in front of DAYTON’s desk<\/em>)<\/p>\n MURPHY: So the situation is this; the House Republicans have blocked…<\/p>\n HATCH: Shut up. \u00a0(Murphy falls instantly silent<\/em>) The House Republicans have blocked your budget proposal, “Governor” (HATCH coughs theatrically as he makes the scare quotes with his fingers in the air; a little glob of spittle flies through the air and lands on…<\/em>) Dayton. \u00a0First things first; the Republicans should never have taken the House or Senate back. \u00a0We know whose fault that <\/em>is, don’t we?<\/p>\n (Hatch turns to Ritchie, who visibly flinches<\/em>)<\/p>\n HATCH: Assume the position.<\/p>\n (Richie falls limply to his knees<\/em>)<\/p>\n HATCH: Lori!<\/p>\n (Swanson places a ball gag in Richie’s mouth, ties it securely around Richie’s face, and pushes him, face down, to the ground. \u00a0Swanson then stands on Richie’s back<\/em>)<\/p>\n HATCH: With that out of the way – this is an emergency, “Governor”. \u00a0Even the DFLers that survived last November are rebelling, calling your tax bill “suicide”, and still we are six billion dollars short…<\/p>\n TOM DOOHER: (the head of the Minnesota Teachers’ Union enters, speaking<\/em>) That’s Nine Billion, Governor (he says, looking at Hatch<\/em>).<\/p>\n HATCH: Right, nine billion dollars short.<\/p>\n JAVIER MORILLO: (representative of SEIU enters, speaking<\/em>) ELEVEN billion, Governor<\/p>\n HATCH: Right, eleven billion dollars short… (Hatch, Murphy and the rest stare at the door for a moment before continuing<\/em>) \u00a0…for now. \u00a0We need to come up with a plan, and we need it NOW. \u00a0(He gestures at Swanson, who grinds a stiletto heel in the small of Richie’s back, as Richie squirms in pain<\/em>)<\/p>\n DAYTON: We shall…<\/p>\n (twirls nut<\/em>)<\/p>\n MURPHY: Sir?<\/p>\n DAYTON: …sell another Renoir.<\/p>\n HATCH: Good idea, sir, but a Renoir is worth a few million; we would need about a thousand of them…<\/p>\n CARDINAL: Actually, five thousand five hundred of them at current sale prices<\/p>\n HATCH: (spins on heels, pulling a dagger from under his jacket, screams hysterically<\/em>) SHUT UP! IF I WANT YOUR OPINION I WILL GRANT YOU THE RIGHT TO HAVE ONE!. \u00a0 (Cardinal flinches<\/em>) \u00a0I WILL RIP OFF YOUR HEAD AND CRAP DOWN YOUR THROAT. \u00a0DO YOU READ ME? \u00a0(Cardinal nods, meekly<\/em>)<\/p>\n HATCH: Yes, sir, five thousand-odd Renoirs to close the budget gap…<\/p>\n DOOHER: Er, that’s gonna be six thousand.<\/p>\n HATCH: Six <\/em>thousand Renoirs to close the gap.<\/p>\n DAYTON: (Nods, twirling the nut on the bolt<\/em>)<\/p>\n HATCH: Sooooo, we need a political solution. \u00a0Marty! (John Marty snaps to attention<\/em>) Throw a party for the GOP caucuses in both chambers. \u00a0Open bar! \u00a0And then have the Highway Patrol waiting for them! \u00a0We’ll catch ’em all <\/em>driving drunk! \u00a0Hah!<\/p>\n SWANSON: Already tried that, sir. \u00a0Didn’t work.<\/p>\n DAYTON: (idly spins nut on the bolt as head bobbles idly back and forth<\/em>)<\/p>\n HATCH: (pounds hand on Dayton’s desk<\/em>) DAMMIT! Maybe we should get photoshopped pictures of all <\/em>of them in a bathroom stall at the airport.<\/p>\n KAHN: Seems a bit implausible, sir.<\/p>\n DAYTON: (puts bare right foot up on the desk<\/em>) \u00a0My toenail needs painting. \u00a0Esme?<\/p>\n MURPHY: No, sir, not now…<\/p>\n DAYTON: Oooh. \u00a0Then I’ll get Keri Miller to do it.<\/p>\n MURPHY: (sighs<\/em>). I’ll put in a call, sir. But we have to figure out this eleven-billion dollar gap…<\/p>\n DOOHER: Thirteen billion dollars.<\/p>\n MURPHY: …this thirteen billion dollar gap first, sir.<\/p>\n DAYTON: (nut falls off bolt<\/em>).<\/p>\n (Room falls silent<\/em>)<\/p>\n DAYTON: <\/em>Close the office. \u00a0I’m going to Vail.<\/p>\n HATCH: “Governor” (makes scare quotes with fingers<\/em>), we can’t “close the office” (makes scare quotes with fingers<\/em>). \u00a0You have to “Make a decision” (makes scare quotes with fingers<\/em>).<\/p>\n DAYTON: \u00a0(Puts head down on desk<\/em>)<\/p>\n HATCH: \u00a0Oh, christ. \u00a0OK, get him outta here. \u00a0(Marty and Kahn carry Dayton from room as Hatch continues with scarcely a pause<\/em>). OK, Murphy? \u00a0Start the new ad campaign; “Minnesota – where everybody’s <\/em>rich!” \u00a0Bill it to Alita. Again. \u00a0And Tom? (Rukavina snaps to attention<\/em>) \u00a0Submit a bill that’ll increase taxes on “the rich” to 15%. \u00a0 Lori? \u00a0Put out a release saying we’re investigating – er, you’re <\/em>investigating Majority Leader\u00a0Zellers for witchcraft. \u00a0Let’s move<\/em>, people!<\/p>\n (Group exits, leaving Richie face-down on the floor, whimpering<\/em>)<\/p>\n AUTHOR’S NOTE: \u00a0Now, I believe, as I have since May, that Tom Emmer is going to win by three. \u00a0But just in case people are undecided, the above qualifies as “fiction” only because it hasn’t happened yet.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The following scene presumes – heaven forfend – that Mark Dayton wins the election. SCENE: \u00a0Office of Governor Mark Dayton. \u00a0Dayton is sitting in his chair, idly twirling a nut back and forth on a bolt. DAYTON: (Continues to twirl bolt for about five minutes, back and forth and back and forth…) (Esme Murphy – […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[60],"tags":[436],"class_list":["post-14674","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-campaign-10","tag-esme-murphy"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14674","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=14674"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14674\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":78757,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14674\/revisions\/78757"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=14674"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=14674"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=14674"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}