The chirping of the bird outside your window sounds like a scrap-metal shredder.\u00a0 Your eyes wrench themselves open into the searing early-morning sun blazing through your window.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Your body does a silent status check.\u00a0 Head:\u00a0 a searing toxic void.\u00a0 Esophagus: Making room for expansion.\u00a0 Stomach:\u00a0 Calling out “Outoing!”.<\/p>\n
You shamble to your feet, and lurch for your door as you dimly remember yelling “Yes, we CAN…play quarters with Windsor<\/em>!”.\u00a0 You half-stagger down the hall, bouncing off the wall twice, as you race the impending stream of toxic heat racing up from the stomach to the bathroom.<\/p>\n You slap the door aside with your forehead and fall to your hands and knees in front of the throne, barely in time for the high-pressure jet of toxic spew blast forth from your mouth, nostrils and, near as you can tell, ears.\u00a0\u00a0 As your stomach spasms and your mouth curdles from the acid and your brain tries to hammer its way out the back of your head, you dimly remember telling a sternly disapproving-looking Macalester Womyn’s Stydies major “I hope <\/em>you change <\/em>your mind” and trying to remember what “extended middle finger” meant before everything went all cloudy.\u00a0 You will your eyes to stay closed even as they roll open to see a roiling toilet bowl full of things you remember the nuns warning you about.<\/p>\n You crawl downstairs and lay on the couch, and lie in the fetal position as the air conditioner roars like a Stuka on its attack run, a stack of bills staring at you accusingly, mocking you for the fun you had the night before.<\/p>\n It’s morning in America.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The chirping of the bird outside your window sounds like a scrap-metal shredder.\u00a0 Your eyes wrench themselves open into the searing early-morning sun blazing through your window.\u00a0 Your body does a silent status check.\u00a0 Head:\u00a0 a searing toxic void.\u00a0 Esophagus: Making room for expansion.\u00a0 Stomach:\u00a0 Calling out “Outoing!”. You shamble to your feet, and lurch […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[53,64],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-11492","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-the-universe-and-everything","category-president-obama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11492","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=11492"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11492\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":11494,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11492\/revisions\/11494"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=11492"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=11492"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.shotinthedark.info\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=11492"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}