SCENE: Adriana and Michael GONZALES, age 30 and 32, owners of a small family commercial cleaning business and parents of three children, are walking through the woods near Minnehaha Park. It’s foggy and foreboding.
ADRIANA: Mike, did you see something in the woods?
MICHAEL: Yeah. Looks like – guys in helmets?
ADRIANA: This is weird.
MICHAEL: No kidding…
(They stop, noticing three people in medieval knight costumes – Tom BAKK, Ryan WINKLER and Heather MARTENS – astride the path).
MICHAEL: Er, who are you?
BAKK: We are the Knights Who Say “Living Wage!”
WINKER: We are three elected representatives…
(BAKK nudges WINKLER, points toward Martens, who is gazing distractedly at a squirrel. WINKLER shrugs)
WINKLER: …who roam the forest spreading social justice!
(MICHAEL and ADRIANA shrug)
WINKLER: If you wish to pass through this forest, you must appease us!
ADRIANA: Er…OK? With what?
WINKLER: You must hire…a Minimum Wage Employee!
MICHAEL: Cool. I was hoping to do that. We’ve got more business than the two of us can handle.
BAKK: Silence?
MICHAEL: Huh?
WINKLER: You must pay them…nine dollars per hour!
ADRIANA: Oh, no. We just need people to do basic cleaning. We can pay a bonus, but it’s not worth $9 an hour…
BAKK: And you may not cut your other employees’ hours or benefits to pay the training wage rate, which is itself higher than the federal minimum wage!
WINKLER: Or lay them off!
BAKK and MARTENS: Or lay them off!
ADRIANA: Well, then we just can’t hire anyone!
BAKK: Be happy to pay for a Better Minnesota!
ADRIANA (to MARTENS): So what are you doing here?
MARTENS: Guns on a bed of escarole make a wonderful snack. So much better than killing people!
(Sounds in distance: Minstrels playing over the clip clop of horses, as Governor DAYTON, riding a white charger, appears at the head of a retinue of knights and minstrels.
MINSTREL (as lutes and flutes play in the background) Brave Sir Mark ran away / bravely ran away away! / When terror made its presence known, he bravely turned and scampered home…
DAYTON: Blargle not blargle sure blargle not blargle blargle!
MICHAEL to ADRIANA (whispers): This is a weird place…
MINSTREL: He wasn’t afraid to face Roger Goodell / or tell Alida she’s not so swell / brave brave brave brave sir Mark…
DAYTON: Blargle! Blargle not blarg!
MICHAEL : So what if I can’t afford it?
WINKLER: It’s against the law! Don’t ask questions!
ADRIANA: We could just take our business to North Dakota!
BAKK: Hah! And for what? Money?
DAYTON: Blargle!
MICHAEL: Well…yeah!
WINKLER: But you can’t get MPR in North Dakota!
ADRIANA: Yes, I can – we paid for that, too.
BAKK: But in Minnesota, you will soon have unionized daycare!
ADRIANA: I like the daycare we have just fine.
WINKLER: But you can pay more for them!
MARTENS: It’s a known fact that daycare that costs more is better for children. Especially if you ban guns.
MICHAEL: What the…?
DAYTON: Blargle blargle!
ADRIANA (pulling a Texas brochure from her purse and looking at MICHAEL): This is a silly place.
The couple walk past the jabbering knights.
And SCENE.
Nice coconuts.
Who are you who are so wise in the ways of lefties?
Who would have imagined that Monty Python had the prescience to anticipate Sir Mark and the Red Ink Spots?